BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2011
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?Berlin Wall
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
4. They never “rolled down” a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7. They have grown up with bottled water.Bottled Water
8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
10. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
11. Rap music has always been mainstream.
12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
14. Music has always been “unplugged.”
15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
32. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
39. Fox has always been a major network.
40. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
41. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
42. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
43. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
44. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
45. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
46. Most phone calls have never been private.
47. High definition television has always been available.
48. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
49. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
50. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
51. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
52. Time has always worked with Warner.
53. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
54. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
55. MTV has never featured music videos.
56. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters. Space Program
57. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
58. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
59. They’re always texting 1 n other.
60. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
61. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
62. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
63. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
64. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
65. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
66. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
67. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
68. Burma has always been Myanmar.
69. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
70. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. (It had broken down and he was after a tow truck)
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .. and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry
============
A young girl who was usually the model of good behavior in church, was particularly wiggly one Sunday morning. After distracting all those around her for some time and ignoring her father's warning to be still, her father finally scooped her up and began walking to the rear of the church for "attitude adjustment." Just before they got to the back door, Erin screamed, "Help! Save me!" The heartfelt plea of the penitent sinner was never more sincere, but it didn't do much for decorum that morning.
============
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .. and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry
============
A young girl who was usually the model of good behavior in church, was particularly wiggly one Sunday morning. After distracting all those around her for some time and ignoring her father's warning to be still, her father finally scooped her up and began walking to the rear of the church for "attitude adjustment." Just before they got to the back door, Erin screamed, "Help! Save me!" The heartfelt plea of the penitent sinner was never more sincere, but it didn't do much for decorum that morning.
============
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Two Blind Pilots
Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Police Reports
Allegedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!?! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!?! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Monday, July 09, 2007
Forgive Your Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
The End is Near
Two preachers from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now... Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One preacher turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One preacher turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"
Monday, July 02, 2007
Spanking
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Four Golfers
Four old men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
SUPER HERO'S
OTHER CHRISTIAN SUPER HERO'S
We have seen the super hero's in comics and cartoons. There is a new video series out called Bible-Man. What other Christian Super Hero's would we like to see? How about --
7. Doughnut Man - Able to provide doughnuts before Sunday service faster than a speeding bullet.
6. Wonder Man - Disappears on Sunday mornings to the lakes and bayous for fishing. Makes the Pastor "Wonder" where he is.
5. Super Pastor - Able to read the member's minds to know when they are in need of Pastoring. Is able to avoid criticism for not guessing there is a need.
4. Choir Director Man - Able to sing all four-part harmony in any key at the drop of a hat.
3. Super Organist - No matter what key a song is started in, this super hero is right there to pick up on it.
2. Evangelist Man - Able to preach sermons 7 days per week on a $50.00 offering.
1. Sunday School Teacher Avenger - Keeps 30 rowdy 10 year olds under complete control for 1 hour each week without a bit of recognition. Wears a spitball proof garment.
We have seen the super hero's in comics and cartoons. There is a new video series out called Bible-Man. What other Christian Super Hero's would we like to see? How about --
7. Doughnut Man - Able to provide doughnuts before Sunday service faster than a speeding bullet.
6. Wonder Man - Disappears on Sunday mornings to the lakes and bayous for fishing. Makes the Pastor "Wonder" where he is.
5. Super Pastor - Able to read the member's minds to know when they are in need of Pastoring. Is able to avoid criticism for not guessing there is a need.
4. Choir Director Man - Able to sing all four-part harmony in any key at the drop of a hat.
3. Super Organist - No matter what key a song is started in, this super hero is right there to pick up on it.
2. Evangelist Man - Able to preach sermons 7 days per week on a $50.00 offering.
1. Sunday School Teacher Avenger - Keeps 30 rowdy 10 year olds under complete control for 1 hour each week without a bit of recognition. Wears a spitball proof garment.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Harold the Computer Guy
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Injured Employee
Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Shoes in church
Shoes in church
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................"To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................"To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Church Terms
Church Terms That Oughta Be...
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Deck of Cards
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
Thursday, January 11, 2007
10 Little Christians
10 Little Christians!!!
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Monday, August 14, 2006
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
Man Named Jed
A MAN NAMED JED
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Kids Letters To God
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --Ginny =========
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
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