Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Great Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Cold Again Tonight

The weathermen say the temperature is going to reach extremely low levels tonight, and everyone should check on the elderly and senile.

ARE YOU OK??? 

Well someone sent it to me!!!!!

Old Swingers Pete & Beulah Mae

This is Good To Live By

This is good to live by 

Written by a 90 year old 

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Hearing test

Chuck feared his wife Kathy wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he

thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Kathy, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Kathy, what's for dinner?'

"For crying out loud, Chuck, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!' 

Incredible ... You Won't Believe This..............

This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS .... See if you can do this accurately. Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Scroll down ........................... It's so easy to amuse Seniors TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

Elders

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Old and Rich

Old and Rich

One time an old rich woman was pulling her large, expensive car into the last parking space, when suddenly a young man, dressed in black leather and riding a custom-built, one-of-a-kind motorcycle, beat the old lady to the spot. As he ran into a nearby store, he looked back and said, "Sorry, old lady, I'm young and quick!"

The old lady promptly ran over the motorcycle and  completely destroyed it. The young man roared out of the store screaming at the old lady! "Why did you destroy my beautiful motorcycle?"

The old lady replied, "You may be young and quick, but I'm old and rich!"

Musings Of A Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'....

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Make the best of the rest!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.   We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
   The melody out of music,
   The pride out of appearance,
   The courtesy out of driving,
   The romance out of love,
   The commitment out of marriage,
   The responsibility out of parenthood,
   The togetherness out of the family,
   The learning out of education,
   The service out of patriotism,
   The Golden Rule from rulers,
   The nativity scene out of cities,
   The civility out of behavior,
   The refinement out of language,
   The dedication out of employment,
   The prudence out of spending,
   The ambition out of achievement, or,
   God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."


Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party......    even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place,  somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....  I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them,  but I would send it to many more!

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~***~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge .  .  .  mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
7) With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to that? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
M - memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, which cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so
Z is for zest

OLDER THAN DIRT?

Today's humorous story actually comes in the form of a quiz. How many of these do you remember ?

   1.   Bazooka chewing gum
   2.   Little wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
   3.   Television broadcasts ending at night and not coming on until late morning
   4.   Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
   5.   Hamburger joints with table side jukeboxes
   6.   Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
   7.   Telephone "party lines"
   8.   Newsreels shown before the movie
   9.   Butch wax
  10.   Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
  11.   Peashooters
  12.   The Howdy Doody Show
  13.   45 RPM records (and record players)
  14.   S&H Green Stamps
  15.   Television test patterns
  16.   Metal ice trays with levers
  17.   Mimeograph paper
  18.   Blue flashbulbs
  19.   The Amos and Andy show (radio or TV!)
  20.   Roller skate keys
  21.   Cork popguns
  22.   Drive-in theaters
  23.   Studebakers (they were automobiles)
  24.   Wash tub wringers
  25.   The television day beginning and ending with The Star Spangled Banner

       If you remembered 0-7, you're still young (ish)
       If you remembered 8-14, you're getting older
       If you remembered 15-20, don't tell your age
       If you remembered 21-25, you're older than dirt!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

 1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
 2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
 3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
 4. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 5. You tune into the easy listening station ... on purpose.
 6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ... In that order.
 7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
 8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags ... and you're not carrying any luggage.
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar ... a month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out ... and it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.
22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak ... and you say "pureed."
33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
43. Many of your coworkers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style ... come back in style.
45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
47. You keep repeating yourself.
48. You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
49. You wear black socks with sandals.
50. You take a metal detector to the beach.

Senior Humor

 Every Have One of Those "Senior Moments?"

ALL RIGHT, who sent this to me? WHOEVER SENT IT,     send it to SOMEONE who COULD actually benefit from it, OKAY!

Kids Say I'm Out of Touch!

I've got three televisions, cable, and a satellite dish,

 I have three phone lines in the house,

 a cell phone and one in the car,

 plus a pager.

 

I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax.

 

 I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one.

 

 I watch both the local and network news every evening.

And my kids  have the nerve to tell me

I'm out of touch!

                 

A Little Mixed Up

   Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the Dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more "Mixed Up" in the Head

For, sometimes, I can't remember,
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or I've just come down from there?

And before the frig, so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt
have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is dark out,
with my night cap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of Bed.

So, if its my turn to write you,
there's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

Do remember I do love you
and wish that you were here
but now, its nearly mail time
so I must say, "Good-bye" dear.

There I stood beside the mailbox
with my face so very Red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead.

Aging Rockers - Tim Hawkins