Stolen Car

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Remember Slow Food?

Remember Slow Food?

Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at Home,' I explained. "Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
• In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
• My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
• I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
• We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11.
• It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
• I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.*
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
• If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren -- Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
• Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

*Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

*Ignition switches on the dashboard.*

*Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

*Real ice boxes.

*Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

*Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

*Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8 Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...**[if you were fortunate**)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15.S&H green stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22.Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

*If you remembered 

0-5 = You're still young. If you remembered 

6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 

11-15 = Don't tell your age

16-25 = You' re older than dirt!*

*I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

*Don't forget to pass this along!!Especially to all your really good**O**L**D** FRIENDS*

Why Seniors Become Confused

 Why Seniors Become Confused

Mental test for retirees or ...

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?












Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
















3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
























Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?















Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.


Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

14 Signs You're Getting Older...

14 Signs You're Getting Older...

1. You're obsessed with the weather and constantly check the forecast. (Yip)

2. You purchase shoes that velcro instead of shoelaces. (Nope)

3. You start obsessing with picking up pecans and fighting the squirrels to get them. (Nope)

4. You constantly use the phrase, "you know, when I was a kid," to your own kids. (Yip)

5. You purchase a Buick. (Nope)

6. Staying home sounds like more fun than going out. (Yip)

7. You begin to discuss your bowel frequency with others. (Nope)

8. Bran Flakes becomes your favorite cereal. (Nope)

9. You wake up early on days you could sleep in. (Yip)

10. When you think driving the speed limit is going way TOO fast. (Getting there)

11. You grow hair better on your eyebrows than you do on your head. (Getting there)

12. You have a pair of readers in every car and by every chair. (Yip)

13. Your new favorite Bible translation is Large Print. (Yip)

14. You're choosing Seinfeld reruns over the new shows on television. (Yip)

Can you think of others??

Texting Codes for Seniors...............

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone long-suffering  (we)  seniors have their own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD -  At the Doctor's

BFF -  Best Friend's Funeral

BTW -  Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT -  Bring your own teeth

CBM -  Covered by Medicare

CUATSC -  See You at the Senior Center

DWI -  Driving While Incontinent

FWBB -  Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW -  Forgot Where I Was

FYI -  Found Your Insulin

GGPBL -  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA -  Got Heartburn Again

IMHO -  Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO -  Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL -  Living on Lipitor

OMMR -  On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU -  Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT -  Texting on Toilet

TTYL -  Talk to You Louder

WTP -  Where are the Prunes

WWNO  - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!
GGLKI  - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Wake Up Call

An elderly gentleman checked into a hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

Great Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Goodbye Mom

Let this be a lesson to you.

Hope this touches you the way it touched me! 

GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. 

If he stopped, she stopped. 

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." 

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye,Mom." 

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. 

"That comes to $221.85,"said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items." 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. 

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!! 

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!

This is Good To Live By

This is good to live by 

Written by a 90 year old 

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Incredible ... You Won't Believe This..............

This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS .... See if you can do this accurately. Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Scroll down ........................... It's so easy to amuse Seniors TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

Elders

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Miss Someone?

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.   We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
   The melody out of music,
   The pride out of appearance,
   The courtesy out of driving,
   The romance out of love,
   The commitment out of marriage,
   The responsibility out of parenthood,
   The togetherness out of the family,
   The learning out of education,
   The service out of patriotism,
   The Golden Rule from rulers,
   The nativity scene out of cities,
   The civility out of behavior,
   The refinement out of language,
   The dedication out of employment,
   The prudence out of spending,
   The ambition out of achievement, or,
   God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."


Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party......    even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place,  somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....  I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them,  but I would send it to many more!

Senior Humor

 Every Have One of Those "Senior Moments?"

ALL RIGHT, who sent this to me? WHOEVER SENT IT,     send it to SOMEONE who COULD actually benefit from it, OKAY!