Church Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As
it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so
competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the
thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
=============================
Cell phone vs. Bible
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat
our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!
===============================
Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should
do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
================================
Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come
next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such
force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
===============================
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
===============================
A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
================================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
==============================
Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
===============================
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
==============================
A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do
you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
============================
Adam Strays
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
=============================
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to
hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
============================
One Nation, 'Under God.'
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
==================================
Ole & Swen
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday
standing by the road, pounding a sign into the g round, that reads :
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve up ahead we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
=================================
Things I learned living in Oklahoma
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' and "Acrosst" are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma.
=================================
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Jokes - Second Opinion and others
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
=====================
Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he
felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
===========================
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
============================
Hymns for Her
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
===========================
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did
it!"
============================
The Wonders of God
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways
of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat
down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be
very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It
was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had
enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two
steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed
jubilation.
"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the
Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
=========================
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
==========================
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
============================
Restless
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
===========================
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
==============================
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
=================================
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of
his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in.
"No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told
him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and
the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in
or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the
man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me
but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
==================================
How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would
that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
================================
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
================================
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
================================
Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
=================================
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what
to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the
letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the
recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it
through the post office they deduct $200."
================================
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===================================
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
==================================
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
=================================
The Preacher's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon
seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his
stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
====================================
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When
the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT
IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit
preaching and now he's meddlin'."
==================================
Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager
returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
=====================================
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full
hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
====================================
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could also be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
=======================================
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you will enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta it comes from bad judgment.
===========================
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email
to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to
get it done.
=============================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
=============================
Biblical Financiers
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
==============================
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
================================
A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college.
She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, one boy stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”
===============================
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
=====================
Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he
felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
===========================
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
============================
Hymns for Her
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
===========================
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did
it!"
============================
The Wonders of God
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways
of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat
down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be
very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It
was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had
enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two
steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed
jubilation.
"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the
Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
=========================
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
==========================
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
============================
Restless
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
===========================
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
==============================
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
=================================
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of
his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in.
"No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told
him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and
the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in
or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the
man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me
but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
==================================
How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would
that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
================================
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
================================
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
================================
Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
=================================
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what
to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the
letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the
recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it
through the post office they deduct $200."
================================
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===================================
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
==================================
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
=================================
The Preacher's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon
seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his
stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
====================================
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When
the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT
IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit
preaching and now he's meddlin'."
==================================
Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager
returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
=====================================
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full
hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
====================================
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could also be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
=======================================
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you will enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta it comes from bad judgment.
===========================
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email
to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to
get it done.
=============================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
=============================
Biblical Financiers
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
==============================
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
================================
A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college.
She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, one boy stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”
===============================
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Why, Why, Why
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile, too!~~~ I hope!!
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