Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
=====================
Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he
felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
===========================
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
============================
Hymns for Her
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
===========================
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did
it!"
============================
The Wonders of God
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways
of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat
down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be
very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It
was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had
enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two
steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed
jubilation.
"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the
Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
=========================
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
==========================
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
============================
Restless
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
===========================
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
==============================
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
=================================
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of
his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in.
"No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told
him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and
the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in
or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the
man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me
but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
==================================
How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would
that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
================================
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
================================
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
================================
Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
=================================
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what
to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the
letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the
recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it
through the post office they deduct $200."
================================
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===================================
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
==================================
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
=================================
The Preacher's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon
seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his
stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
====================================
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When
the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT
IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit
preaching and now he's meddlin'."
==================================
Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager
returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
=====================================
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full
hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
====================================
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could also be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
=======================================
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you will enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta it comes from bad judgment.
===========================
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email
to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to
get it done.
=============================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
=============================
Biblical Financiers
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
==============================
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
================================
A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college.
She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, one boy stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”
===============================
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