Mother's Wisdom

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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Mother's Wisdom:

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
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"MOTHER'S MAINTENANCE MANUAL"
        Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect
our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need
a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as
well as we do our automobiles.
        Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
        Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can
reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks
are needed to keep up that peak performance.
        Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out
every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
        Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes,
unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.
        Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated immediately with
Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
        Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop
occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest.)
        Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads, but an
occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
        Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise
should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring
and fall are also helpful. If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program
of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.
        Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and
most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
        If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God
that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most.
-- Author Unknown

My Mother Taught Me...

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet." 

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And...

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"