Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming

Aging Rockers - Tim Hawkins

Marriage Gone Bad

A man was speeding in his brand new Porsche. He was driving over 110 MPH. He see's a cop car catching up to him with the lights and siren going. He decides to try and out run him. He steps on the gas and speeds away only to run into some road construction where he is forced to stop.  The officer gets out if his car and approaches the man in the Porsche.
"Sir, I'm at the end of my shift. If you can give me a reason for trying to outrun me that I haven't already heard, I'll let you go."
The man thinks for a moment.
"My wife left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer went back to his car and drove off.

Bill Cosby, understanding Southern.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

A Free Super Bowl Ticket

A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

NAME THE STATES

An old preacher made it a practice to visit the congregation's Christian school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

I COME QUICKLY

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address the congregation for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the stage. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in preaching school they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the podium to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

GET A HAIRCUT

The preacher's son asked his father, "Dad, can I have a car?"

The preacher replied, "I will get you a car IF you get a haircut."

Then his son said, "Dad, Jesus had long hair."

"Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

EGGS AND BAD SERMONS

On the day a preacher got married his wife told him to never look under the bed. Ten years later, while his wife was at the store, he became overwhelmed with his curiosity and had to look under the bed. He found a half dozen eggs and $5,000 in cash. When she got home he asked her about it. 

"The eggs represent your bad sermons," said the preacher's wife. 

"That's not bad for ten years of sermons," the preacher said proudly. 

To which the wife replied, "But every time I got a dozen I sold them."

CAR ACCIDENT

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

AIRBORNE

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and an old preacher were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The old preacher looked at the little boy and said, "Son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the old preacher and said "Not to worry. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack."

Had me looking into myself

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength' Mark 12: 29-30     Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping? Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie? Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying but.. you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend? Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel? Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games but they do everything possible to sit in the last row at Church?    Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks in advance so we can include it in our agenda, but we can make adjustments for other events at a moment's notice?    Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God and share it with others; but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?   Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say but.... we question the words in the Bible?   Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven but... they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?   Isn't it strange how we send jokes in e-mails and they are forwarded right away but when we have messages to send about God, we think about it twice before we share it with others?   IT'S  STRANGE ISN'T IT?

NEW 2012 Jeanne Robertson "Don't go to Vegas without a Baptist"

Dress for Wedding

Wedding Dress


Her wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, the bride was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

The bride asked her father's wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!" she replied.

The bride told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, the bride asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mom just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

God is Missing

Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it.

Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the preacher of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.

The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he stood across from the preacher's desk, the preacher regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent. The preacher raised his voice. "Young man, I said, where is God?"

Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously. The preacher leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is God?"

In terror the boy leaped from the room,  ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid behind his bed . The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering . "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.

"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."

Money

There was a man who had worked hard all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to money. When he became ill and knew he was dying he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." His wife gave her promise that when he died, she would put all his money into the casket with him.


A week later he died. On the day of her husband’s funeral his wife was sitting next to her best friend and just before the undertaker closed the casket she called out “Please, Wait a minute!” walked over to the casket and placed a small brass finished box inside.


The undertaker then locked the casket down and rolled it away. The next day her friend came around to visit and said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all of his money in the casket." “I promised.” The widow replied “I'm a good Christian and I couldn't lie I promised him I would put all of his money into the casket with him, so I did.”

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in that casket with him?" "Yes” said his wife . "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check, I thought if he can cash it he can spend it”

January - Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3:
She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:
She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15:
She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister
 (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:
She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"
-- but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30:
She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"
-- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:
She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:
She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60:
She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore.
-- Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a hat and goes out to enjoy the life God gave her.

Whatever the age you are one beautiful woman!
Celebrate YOU!