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Church Ladies

More Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Praise be for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. --------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. --------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. --------------------------
The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. --------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance. --------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. 

Fall Color at the Dallas Arboretum

Jesus' Granny

The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School.
He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny.
"How did you reach that conclusion?", his mother asked.
"Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.

HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. See also "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack becomes after losing the lottery week after week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: See supermodel

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you feel like before that first cup of morning coffee.

Halloween Puns

Q. Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A. To get a BOOster shot.

Q. What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A. A poultrygeist.

Q. Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A. To boo the umpire.

Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello, hello, hello.

Q. What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A. A booloney sandwich.

Q. What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A. Whipped Scream

Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
A. In noisery school.

Q. What kind of street does a ghost live on?
A. A dead end.

Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.

Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. "Fasten your sheet belt."

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He is mist

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
A. At the ghastly station

Christians are like Pumpkins.....

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.  Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for the entire world to see.

Twelve Nights of Halloween

On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... A vulture in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR- TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

Cough Syrup

A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night. Suddenly, from behind him he heard: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he could see an upright casket. It was banging its way down the middle of the street toward him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man began to run home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He ran up to his door; fumbled with his keys; opened the door and rushed in. He slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the casket crashed through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The terrified man ran up the stairs to the bathroom and locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in huge gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the bathroom door, bumping and clapping toward him: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The man screamed and reached for something, anything! His hand closed around a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket and ... the coffin stopped.

Halloween PUNishment

How can you slay a vampire?
      Put a bunch of reindeer in front of him. (Scot Nelson)

Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being charged with what?
      In-cider trading (Paul Croft)

                  JEST FOR KIDS

Where does Dracula water ski?
      In Lake Erie, off course. (Norman Gilbert)

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
      It was his bat. (C C Jokes)

What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon?
      A Were-doe (Stan Kegel)

What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
      Buckle your sheet belt . (Ernie)

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
      Day scare centers.  (Clynch Varnadore)

What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
      You get repossessed (Lederer & Swanson).

Why did the spider buy a car?
      He wanted to take it for a spin  (Daily Groaner)

Why did the chicken sit on the ax?
      To try and hatchet.  (Daily Groaner)

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays. (Christopher, 11)

What do Unicorns call their father?
      "Pop" corn. (William Brabant)

What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
      A Dead Give-away  (Stan Kegel)

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
      He is mist.   (Trinitty)

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?
      Pumpkin Pi. (Norman Gilbert)

What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
      A horrible par a dox (Gary Hallock)

How do you make a milkshake?
      You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"  (C C Jokes)

I think our school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit. (Gina)

What do little ghosts drink?
      Evaporated milk.   (Daily Groaner)

What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
      A terror wrist.  (Daily Groaner)

What is the study of shopping called?
      Buy-ology (Rachel, 8)

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
      Because they don't have any body to go out with... (Jackie Holle)

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
      Tombstones (Bill Stubbins)

When he was a teenager, why didn't the invisible man hang out with his friends?
      Too much disappear pressure (Gary Hallock)

What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
      A Skele-tan.   (Daily Groaner)

What game did the ghost play with the kid?
      Peek-a boo (Ann, 8)

The first haunted house open to the public had 20 scream doors. (Daryl Stout)

What's the best way to talk to a Martian?
      Long distance! (Andrea)

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
(Jokes4U)

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
      Because his heart wasn’t in it. (Christine, 10)

Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to arrive?
      Because they only run a skeleton service. (Cassie, 9)

People who play the stock market get happy on halloween. Why?
      Its ticker treat night!
  (Louise & Mike Gourdoux)

What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
      A Scare-ousel (Stan Kegel)

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
      It was his bat. (C C Jokes)

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
      No body.  (Clynch Varnadore)

What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?
      Hello, Hello, Hello  (Daily Groaner)

The mummy asked his maker, 'How do I exist?'
      The answer: Just be gauze  (Gary Hallock)

Who delivers spooks' mail?
      The U.S. Ghostal Service   (Cynthia MacGregor)


Who was the most famous ghost detective?
      Sherlock Moans (Trinitty)

What is Transylvania?
      Dracula's terror-tory (Jeff P. Symonds)

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
      Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!
                (Tom & Carrol)

How do ghosts get through locked doors?
      They use skeleton keys  (Marsha Coleman)

Why don't mummies go on vacations?
      Because they might relax and unwind!! (The Daily Joke)

What is a hot and noisy duck?
      A firequacker. (Alan, 8)

Why was the elephant fired from the circus?
      Because he kept throwing his weight around (Lederer & Entner)

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
      Skin diving (LAB Riddles)

Why are cards like wolves?
      Because they belong to a pack.
                 (Stan Kegel)

What do you call a exam given to a criminal?
      A con-test  (Susie Mundy)

Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
      It sounded too fishy. (Archives)

Why did the police dog like to stay home in bed?
      Because he was an undercover agent (Lederer & Entner)

What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?
      One bites the hand that feeds it; the other feeds the hand that bites it. (Jeff Rovin)

What can jump higher than a house?
      Anything. Houses can’t jump
                (Daily Groaner)

What do baby sweet potatoes sleep in?
      Their yammies.  (Daily Groaner)

Why couldn’t they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?
      Because the home team lost the opener. (Tei, 8)

What kind of birds are most frequently found in captivity?
      Jailbirds (LOL Riddles)

Halloween Cartoons

Follow this link to some Halloween Cartoons


Halloween cartoons (3 have downloadable, high-res versions):
http://www.reverendfun.com/artchives/results.php?request=halloween

Elders

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday!

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

A Question For You?

Would you leave the Church?

Old and Rich

Old and Rich

One time an old rich woman was pulling her large, expensive car into the last parking space, when suddenly a young man, dressed in black leather and riding a custom-built, one-of-a-kind motorcycle, beat the old lady to the spot. As he ran into a nearby store, he looked back and said, "Sorry, old lady, I'm young and quick!"

The old lady promptly ran over the motorcycle and  completely destroyed it. The young man roared out of the store screaming at the old lady! "Why did you destroy my beautiful motorcycle?"

The old lady replied, "You may be young and quick, but I'm old and rich!"

Christian Cartoons

Christian cartoons for a change!!

Tale of the Two Brooms

----- Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.  One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.  The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.  After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'  'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.                 Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!                      'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'    ................................... .. Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.     Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly ....little cute........ .... And clean jokes!!!!!!! !!!!!!  Sounds to me like she's ...... !     ......been .....sweeping around!!!

How a Medal of Honor Dog Hugs a Baby

How a Medal of Honor Dog Hugs a Baby I Thought you might like to know about this dog and his history.   The ending is quite amazing after you read the beginning...... The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord…  He's huge - part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs.  His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows,   I have some Milkbone treats, so he's slobbering away!    I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did.    Brutus was the recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq.      His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents.  Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language  and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.  The Iraqis paid  no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard's at one door and another guard at another door.  He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened.  He went in and untied his handler, and they all escaped.     He's the first K9 to receive this honor.  If he knows you're OK, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap.  He enjoys the company of cats.  K-9 Congressional Medal of Honor Winner thought you'd find this interesting.     Talk about animal intelligence and   bonding with humans!   Remember that they can't do a lot of things for themselves and they depend on you to make their life a quality life!       Instructions for properly hugging a baby  (from a dog's point of view):     1.    First, uh, find a baby.        2.  Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby, by employing classic sniffing techniques.     +  3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the   hugging process.  4.  The 'paw slide'   =  Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.        5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to achieve the best photo quality.       It will be a shame if you don't pass this on!

Musings Of A Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'....

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Make the best of the rest!

SHINGLES...........

SHINGLES

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'