Dad at Comedy Barn

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Bench-warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything at all but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be put in the collection plate.

Two-Minute Warning - The point at which you realize the service is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - When the preacher loses his notes and falls back to using last week's sermon.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to lead the next prayer and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quickly, without speaking to any guest or fellow members.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Retaliation

Retaliation

Audio Humor

Lawn Mowing

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Donut Seed

God Is Like...

Fifth Grade Assignment

Wouldn't this be great if it was taught in every school.A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways  To communicate ideas about God.    Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like. 
BAYER ASPIRIN
He Works Miracles. 

God is like. 
A  FORD
He's Got A Better Idea..

 

God is like. 
COKE
He's The  Real Thing. 

God is like. 
HALLMARK CARDS
He Cares Enough To Send His  Very Best. 

God is like. 
TIDE
He Gets The Stains Out Others Leave Behind.

God is like. 
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He  Brings Good Things To Life.

 

God is like. 
WAL-MART 
He Has Everything.

 

God is like.. 
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, You'll Like Him

 

God is like. 
SCOTCH TAPE
You Can't See Him, But You Know He's There.

 

God is like. 
DELTA 
He's Ready When You Are.

 

God is like. 
ALLSTATE
You're In Good Hands With Him.   

God is like. 
VO-5 Hair Spray

 He Holds Through All Kinds Of Weather 

God is like. 
DIAL SOAP
Aren't You  Glad You Have Him?  Don't You Wish Everybody Did?


God is like. 
The U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Sleet Nor Ice Will Keep Him From
His Appointed Destination.  


God is like. 
Chevrolet. . .

The Heartbeat Of America

God is like 
Maxwell House. .... . 
Good To The Very Last Drop  


God is like. 
B o u n t y . . .
He Is The Quicker Picker Upper. .. Can Handle The Tough Jobs. ..
And He Won't Fall Apart On You 

 

God is like. 
The Energizer Bunny

He Keeps Going, Going, and Going

Bad Communication

The new preacher was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them rise, preacher Mike, not remembering the names of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their committee for praise.

"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."

Long Sermon

The preacher stood up for his sermon and the congregation couldn't help but notice several bandages on his face.

"Excuse me," says the preacher, "but this morning I was so deep in thought about my sermon that I cut myself shaving."

When the service had ended and the preacher was saying goodbye to everyone as they filed out the door, one old curmudgeon shakes the preacher's hand and says, "Next time think about shaving and cut the sermon."

Sermon Take Off

A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife.  She asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."

His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

Wedding Dress from Toilet Paper

Check out the cheap wedding dress.

http://www.cheap-chic-weddings.com/wedding-contest-2006.html

Words in a Day by Men & Women

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

Get Out of Bed and Go To Church

A story is told of a married couple one Sunday morning. The alarm goes off to get ready for church, but only the wife gets out of bed and begins to get ready. After she comes into the bedroom from washing up and dressing, she sees her husband still lying in the covers, trying to go back to sleep. Worried that they’ll be late, she shakes him and says, “Honey. Wake up. We’re going to church, remember?”
He rolls over and with sleepy eyes and says, “Aw, I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to sleep in instead.”
Disgusted, she tries again: “Honey, we have got to go to church. Now get out of bed and get dressed. There’s no sleeping in.”  Again, her husband shows no signs of getting out of bed.
He says, “No, sweetie, I just don’t feel like going to church today. I don’t like the service, the sermons are boring, and, what’s more, I don’t like the people. I can’t stand being around those people.”
His wife looks at him and says with much determination, “Now get out of bed!  You are the preacher and that whole congregation is expecting you to be there this morning!! And I don’t want to hear any more of it!”