Elderly Woman and Burglar

The Old Lady and the Burglar
------------------------------------

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38."

The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again, "Stop, Acts 2:38."

Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s!"

=========================================
Getting Rid of the Bats

Three preachers were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and now that they are members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"


=========================================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

===================================
If biblical events were being covered by today's media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS
Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER
Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL
Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK
Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs