RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
3. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
5.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
6. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
7. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
8 You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
9. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
10. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Elderly Woman and Burglar
The Old Lady and the Burglar
------------------------------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38."
The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again, "Stop, Acts 2:38."
Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s!"
=========================================
Getting Rid of the Bats
Three preachers were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and now that they are members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"
=========================================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
===================================
If biblical events were being covered by today's media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS
Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER
Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL
Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK
Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
------------------------------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38."
The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again, "Stop, Acts 2:38."
Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s!"
=========================================
Getting Rid of the Bats
Three preachers were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and now that they are members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"
=========================================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
===================================
If biblical events were being covered by today's media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS
Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER
Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL
Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK
Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
Saturday, August 25, 2007
BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2011
BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2011
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?Berlin Wall
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
4. They never “rolled down” a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7. They have grown up with bottled water.Bottled Water
8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
10. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
11. Rap music has always been mainstream.
12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
14. Music has always been “unplugged.”
15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
32. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
39. Fox has always been a major network.
40. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
41. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
42. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
43. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
44. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
45. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
46. Most phone calls have never been private.
47. High definition television has always been available.
48. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
49. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
50. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
51. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
52. Time has always worked with Warner.
53. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
54. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
55. MTV has never featured music videos.
56. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters. Space Program
57. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
58. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
59. They’re always texting 1 n other.
60. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
61. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
62. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
63. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
64. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
65. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
66. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
67. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
68. Burma has always been Myanmar.
69. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
70. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?Berlin Wall
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
4. They never “rolled down” a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7. They have grown up with bottled water.Bottled Water
8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
10. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
11. Rap music has always been mainstream.
12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
14. Music has always been “unplugged.”
15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
32. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
39. Fox has always been a major network.
40. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
41. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
42. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
43. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
44. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
45. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
46. Most phone calls have never been private.
47. High definition television has always been available.
48. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
49. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
50. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
51. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
52. Time has always worked with Warner.
53. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
54. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
55. MTV has never featured music videos.
56. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters. Space Program
57. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
58. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
59. They’re always texting 1 n other.
60. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
61. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
62. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
63. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
64. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
65. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
66. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
67. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
68. Burma has always been Myanmar.
69. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
70. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. (It had broken down and he was after a tow truck)
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .. and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry
============
A young girl who was usually the model of good behavior in church, was particularly wiggly one Sunday morning. After distracting all those around her for some time and ignoring her father's warning to be still, her father finally scooped her up and began walking to the rear of the church for "attitude adjustment." Just before they got to the back door, Erin screamed, "Help! Save me!" The heartfelt plea of the penitent sinner was never more sincere, but it didn't do much for decorum that morning.
============
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .. and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry
============
A young girl who was usually the model of good behavior in church, was particularly wiggly one Sunday morning. After distracting all those around her for some time and ignoring her father's warning to be still, her father finally scooped her up and began walking to the rear of the church for "attitude adjustment." Just before they got to the back door, Erin screamed, "Help! Save me!" The heartfelt plea of the penitent sinner was never more sincere, but it didn't do much for decorum that morning.
============
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Two Blind Pilots
Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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