Saturday, December 07, 2013
Wake Up Call
An elderly gentleman checked into a hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Leaders discuss their experiences
Some levity for the day
by Bradley S. Cobb
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
The Catholic, Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods o find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
by Bradley S. Cobb
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
The Catholic, Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods o find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Monday, November 18, 2013
Find Yourself In A Mess
Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife and her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wild than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.
One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out.
Before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.
The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing. The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."
One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out.
Before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.
The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing. The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Funeral Cookies
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
Thursday, November 14, 2013
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The Picnic Order
On my way to a church picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied. I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"
Friday, October 11, 2013
Bird Flu
Did you hear the Pope has the Bird Flu ? Scroll down for the rest of the story. __________________ ___________________ _____________________ _______________________ _________________________ ____________________________ ______________________________ His doctors think he got it from his Cardinals :-(
======================
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU... The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately. 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to leave a surprise on someone's windshield.
======================
"THE FLU HOE DOWN" Choose your partners, one and all Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol! Now fling those covers with all you've got, One minute cold, the next minute hot, Circle right to the side of the bed, Grab the tissues and Sudafed. Back to the middle and don't goof off; Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough Forget about slippers, dash down the hall, Toss your cookies in the shower stall. Remember others on the brink; Wash your hands; wash the sink. Wipe the doorknob, light switch too, By George, you've got it, You're doing the Flu! P.S. Some like it cold, some like it hot; If you like neither, get the shot.
Common Sense
THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
=====================================
THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE - Original Version
Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
His obituary reads as follows:
Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape.
Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering. Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S.
A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men's movement, body piercing, whole language and new math.
C.S.'s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus. In the following decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf. His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.
As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last. Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.
Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought.
Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.
====================
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to Her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ...
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
8/31/08
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
=====================================
THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE - Original Version
Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
His obituary reads as follows:
Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape.
Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering. Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S.
A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men's movement, body piercing, whole language and new math.
C.S.'s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus. In the following decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf. His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.
As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last. Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.
Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought.
Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.
====================
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over The table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to Her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ...
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
8/31/08
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Saturday, June 01, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Wisdom
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother's Wisdom:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"MOTHER'S MAINTENANCE MANUAL"
Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect
our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need
a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as
well as we do our automobiles.
Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can
reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks
are needed to keep up that peak performance.
Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out
every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes,
unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.
Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated immediately with
Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop
occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest.)
Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads, but an
occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise
should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring
and fall are also helpful. If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program
of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.
Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and
most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God
that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most.
-- Author Unknown
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother's Wisdom:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"MOTHER'S MAINTENANCE MANUAL"
Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect
our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need
a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as
well as we do our automobiles.
Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can
reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks
are needed to keep up that peak performance.
Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out
every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes,
unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.
Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated immediately with
Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop
occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest.)
Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads, but an
occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise
should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring
and fall are also helpful. If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program
of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.
Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and
most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God
that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most.
-- Author Unknown
Friday, April 26, 2013
Testimony in Court
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Good Advice
Good Advice
Friday, April 05, 2013
Friday, March 08, 2013
If Churches Were Marketed as Breakfast Cereals
Can you imagine what it would be like if churches were marketed as breakfast cereals?
- Post Modern Flakes, I tried these, there were too Sweet and I needed to take Alka-Stetzer
- Frosted Liturgicals, best served chilled with extra trappings
- Reform Church Crunch, now 25% more fortified against change
- Holy Ghost Toasties, a scoop of nuts in every box!
- Cell Church Congra-bits, homemade flavor, less committees
- Cheeful-ios, Popped with psychology and a pat of answers
- Praisin’ Bran, All Hymns for Older Believers
- Multisite-O-Meal, merging with a church near you!
- Sweet-N-Seeker, Flavored with tasty sound bites
- Contempo-Pops, new from HillSong Farms
Okay, just having a little fun there.
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Great Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell."
The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Songs through the Years from a Baptist perspective
Songs through the Years from a Baptist perspective
Monday, February 11, 2013
Goodbye Mom
Let this be a lesson to you.Hope this touches you the way it touched me!
GOODBYE MOMA young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.If he stopped, she stopped.Furthermore she kept staring at him.She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."He answered, "That's okay."She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye,Mom."The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries."That comes to $221.85,"said the clerk."How come so much? I only bought 5 items."The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!
HUMOR
For quotes about humor go to my other blog at
http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html
http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html
http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html
http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Flowering waterfall!
Wisteria in Japan..
Nature has its own way of expression beyond imagination. Amazing!
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