Prayer

Memo: New Prayer Policy
To: All His Children

When God created Adam and Eve, it was quite easy for Him to stay in close communication with his children. However, in light of this last century’s population explosion, Heaven has found it necessary to employ a new communication system. From this point forward, when you pray to Heaven, please be prepared to go through the follow phone tree...

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others


If all lines are busy, you will hear:

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

The Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his or her social security # followed by the pound sign. If you can not find your party, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, etc., please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and try your call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.



======= Ponderings of the day =======

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When sign makers go on strike, what do they write on their signs?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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