Why Did You Eat It?

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, He asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, he asked, " Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more shocked look, and a tear in his eye, he asked, "Then why did you eat it?"

Winter? Don't complain

Next time you want to complain about too much snow...remember Lead, South Dakota!!!

Now this is what you call TOO, TOO, TOO MUCH SNOW !! 

These pictures were taken in Lead, South Dakota, on January 5,2011.That's just off I-90 close to Rapid City near the Wyoming border. Check out the Hot Tub location.

Giving Up Chocolate

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?' 

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me. 

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' 

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' 

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.' 

You're gonna share it on aren't you?

Jesus Stolen

It was the day after Christmas. The preacher of a church was looking over their Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.

Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him the first ride in it."

A preacher goes to the dentist

A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The preacher explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

A Kids View of the Christmas Story

Ray Stevens - The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

First Kiss

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Communication

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."

Kid as a Church Car

The minister of a large church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up.

One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed directly at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed after a good laugh by the congregation.

Dangerous Words

The 3 most dangerous words used at Christmas - - - - - "Some assembly required."

Must See

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.  "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Occupation Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn:............. Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn:........ There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:........... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:.............. Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:.............. There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:......... Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:......... Open My Eyes That I Might See
The Gossip's Hymn:.............. Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:......... Send The Light
The Realtor's Hymn:.............. I've Got a Mansion, Just Over The Hilltop
The Doctor's Hymn:.............. The Great Physician

For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns

45mph.................... God Will Take Care of You
55mph.................... Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph.................... Nearer My God To Thee
75mph.................... Nearer Still Nearer
85mph.................... This World Is Not My Home
95mph.................... Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.............. Precious Memories

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful  doctors and lawyers..

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 75th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You  know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.  It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

”Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.  The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind.  I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you  were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Mary & Joseph

I like the explanation one little boy gave as to why Mary and Joseph took the baby Jesus to Egypt. "They couldn't get a sitter," he concluded.

Fifty-cent Sermons

The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could come twice."

Top Seven Church Oxymorons

7. Brief meeting
6. Preacher's day off
5. Early sign up
4. Clear calendar
3. Volunteer waiting list
2. Realistic budget
1. Concluding remarks

SLOGANS FOR THE CHURCH BILLBOARDS

I WONDER WHO THINKS UP ALL OF THESE SLOGANS FOR THE CHURCH BILLBOARDS? 

SOMEONE SURE IS CLEVER.

 

 

Get Your Own Dirt

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man- making contest."

The man replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!" 

1920's Service Stations

1920's Service StationsYou might enjoy these old stations


The place is a Texaco Gasoline Filling Station
(primarily they filled gas tanks).

But what is that contraption with the ramps?
The mechanism appears to be driven by the cars wheels.

Hydraulic lines go to that can with a raised top.
What could it be? A pump for lubeing a car's under parts?

The little sign does say "Havoline" which was Texaco's brand name for its oil products.

An early engine dynamometer?
Maybe it's a primitive car wash.


I guess there was no signage limitations back then.
I count eleven Texaco signs on that station.



Land wasn't at a premium then like it is now.
Note the wide open layout and the nice row of little trees.
This was a Texaco Gasoline Motor Oil Service Station.
The concept had become a "service station", which included more than just filling your tank.
They even filled it FOR you, no "self-service" needed.



Looks like an early "mall". At one location, you could fill up your tank, get a loan so as to look prosperous with a new suit, and have a meal while your spark plugs were changed.



Ford Sales and Service.
Look at all those Model T's.



Simplicity itself.
No name gas and motor oil for 20 cents a quart, Wow.



Dome Gas. You better try it 'cause "It's Better".
It better be good since they want 23 cents a gallon for it!



Lemans' Tire Shop. Barney Oldfield tires only $9.99 each.
Sounds kind of expensive to me.

Note the water can by the side of the road and the barricades around the trees.

I guess people just drove up on the sidewalk to get their tires and the trees were in the way.



Here we have Super Motor Fuel.
I hear Dome Gas is better but this stuff is SUPER.



Note the name of the station "Toot-An-Kum-In".
King Tut was big news in the twenties so why not capitalize on it.
This is a really modern looking station with the full roof and multiple islands of pumps.
AMOCO Gas (still around today) but what does "filtered" mean.
Obviously they consider other gas to be "dirty"



Four Wheel Drive Autos sales and service.
The SUV's of the 20's.
4WD gas is only 20 cents a gallon!