Misc Humor

Preacher said, "I'm just a poor preacher."

Member responded, "I know. I've heard your sermons through the internet on my Ipod."

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Grandson (staring at his grandfather): Grandpa, were you on the ark when the Flood came?

Grandpa: No, certainly not.

Grandson: Well, then, why weren't you drowned?

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Just Checking
A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”

When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.

He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”


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Golfing Toward Confession
A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.

"Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”

"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”

"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

"Did you swear then?”

"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”

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One of Life's Lessons
While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.

"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

"I don't have any.”

Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”

Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”


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A Texan rancher was driving thru the Nebraska countryside when he stoppedby a cornfield to talk to a farmer. During the conversation the farmermentioned that he had a thousand acres of land. The Texan, seeing anopportunity to brag about his ranch, said, "When I get up in the morning,I can hop into my pick-up and drive all day and by sunset , still not behalf way across my ranch." The farmer leaned over and consoled the Texansaying, " I use to have a pick-up like that too. "

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The Truck and The Tollbooth

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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Where Is the "BC" Located?

A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write “toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"

In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:

Dear Madam,

I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager

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A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had
purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem,
madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing
things my way."

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Thank You for This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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Unintentional Resume Bloopers

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)


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