Brothers Keeper

One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species."

In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Religious Guys Share Car Ownership

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"

Twinkies and Root Beer

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7/Twinkies.htm

Odd statistics a friend sent me

If you were in charge, can you imagine employing a group like this! This organization has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

AND IT'S NOT A ROOFING COMPANY


Scroll down . . . .










It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Government in Action!!! Priceless

Government in Action!!! Priceless!!!

House Value

House Value

YOUR HOUSE

as seen by You..

Your Lender

Your Buyer

Your Appraiser

Your Tax Assessor

Older Than Dirt

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers—my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Heated Up

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

Blonde Mortician

Blonde Mortician.........

As a minister I get to spend some time around funeral homes. One story a person will always remember is...

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

Caught in a Blizzard

Caught in a Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work.

He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation.

He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it.

As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time.

John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

===========================
The Ole and Lena Story

Up there by Lake Wobegon it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

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He cares enough to send His very best.

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He brings good things to life.

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He has everything.

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Try him, you'll like Him.

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You can't see him, but you know He's there.

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He's ready when you are.

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You're in good hands with Him.

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He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God's Yellow Pages

GOD'S YELLOW PAGES

Spiritual Guidance from God - let your fingers do the walking or Dial Direct ..........................................Jeremiah 33:3

"WHERE TO LOOK WHEN..."

AFRAID Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .34:4 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 10:28 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 1:7 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . .13:5,6 ANXIOUS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .46 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 Philippians . . . . . . . . . . 4:6 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . 5:6,7 BACKSLIDING Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 1 John . . . . . . . . . . . 1:4-9 BEREAVEMENT Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:4 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 1:3,4 BITTER - CRITICAL 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . .13 CONSCIOUS OF SIN Proverbs . . . . . . . . . . .28:13 DEFEAT Romans . . . . . . . . . . .8:31-39 DEPRESSED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34 DISASTER Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . 118:5,6 Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .8:22-25 DISCOURAGED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . 42:6-11 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . 55:22 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:11,12 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . .4:8-18 Philippians . . . . . . . . . 4:4-7 DOUBT Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . .8:26 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 FACING CRISIS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:25-34 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 FAITH FLAGS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .42:5 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 FRIENDS FAIL Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . 41:9-13 Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . 17:3,4 Romans . . . . . . . 12:14,17,19,21 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . 4:16-18 LEAVING HOME Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Matthew . . . . . . . . . .10:16-20 LONELY Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . .13:5,6 NEEDING GOD'S PROTECTION Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .27:1-6 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 Philippians . . . . . . . . . .4:19

NEEDING GUIDANCE Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .32:8 Proverbs . . . . . . . . . . .3:5,6 NEEDING PEACE John . . . . . . . . . . . . 14:1-4 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .16:33 Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .5:1-5 Philippians . . . . . . . . . 4:6,7 RULES FOR LIFE Romans . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 OVERCOME Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Romans . . . . . . . . . . .8:31-39 1 John . . . . . . . . . . . .1:4-9 PRAYERFUL Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42 Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .11:1-13 John . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 1 John . . . . . . . . . . .5:14,15 PROTECTED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .18:1-3 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .34:7 SICK - IN PAIN Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 26:39 Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .5:3-5 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . 12:9,10 1 Peter . . . . . . . .4:12, 13, 19 SORROWFUL Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:4 John . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 1:3,4 1 Thessalonians . . . . . . 4:13-18 TEMPTED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . 139:23,24 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 26:41 1 Corinthians . . . . . . .10:12-14 Philippians . . . . . . . . . . 4:8 James . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4:7 2 Peter . . . . . . . . . 2:9; 3:17 THANKFULNESS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 1 Thessalonians . . . . . . . .5:18 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . 13:15 TRAVELING Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 TROUBLE, IN Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . 16 & 31 John . . . . . . . . . . . . 14:1-4 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . .7:25 WEARY Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .90 Matthew . . . . . . . . . .11:28-30 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 15:58 Galatians . . . . . . . . . .6:9,10 WORRIED Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . 5:6,7

"CHRISTIAN VIRTUES & CHARACTER"

ABUNDANT LIFE John . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:10 CITIZENSHIP Romans . . . . . . . . . . . 13:1-7 Titus . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3:1 CLEANLINESS 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . 7:1 CONSECRATION Romans . . . . . . . . . . . 12:1,2 CONTENTMENT Philippians . . . . . . . . 4:11-13 1 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 6:6 COURAGE Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . 27:14 DILIGENCE Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .12:11 DUTY Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 20:21-25 ENDURANCE Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .21:9-19 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 2:3 FAITH Matthew . . . . . . . . . . .8:5-13 Mark . . . . . . . . . . . 11:22-24 FAITHFULNESS Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 25:23 FORGIVENESS Mark . . . . . . . . . . . 11:25,26 Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 4:31,32 FREEDOM John . . . . . . . . . . . .8:31-36 FRUITFULNESS John . . . . . . . . . . . . 15:1-8 GODLINESS Titus . . . . . . . . . . . 2:11-14 HAPPINESS Matthew . . . . . . . . . . .5:3-12 HOLINESS 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . 1:13-16 HONESTY 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . .8:21 HONOR: PARENTS, OTHERS Ephesians . . . . . . . . . . 6:1-3 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . .2:17 HOPE 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . .1:13 HUMILTY Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .18:9-14 Philippians . . . . . . . . .2:3-11 JOY Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:20 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .15:11 KINDNESS Colossians . . . . . . . . .3:12,13 LABOR John . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9:4

LOVE Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:27 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . .13 OBEDIENCE John . . . . . . . . . . . 14:15-24 Acts . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:29 OVERCOMING John . . . . . . . . . . . . .16:33 PATIENCE Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . .10:36 PEACEFULNESS John . . . . . . . . . . . . .14:27 Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .12:18 PERSEVRANCE Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .13:5-13 PRAYER Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .11:1-13 Ephesians . . . . . . . . . . .6:18 PURE THINKING Philippians . . . . . . . . . . 4:8 PURITY Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:27-32 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . .2:22 READING THE BIBLE John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:39 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1:2 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .119:97 RESOLVE Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 6:10-18 RIGHTEOUSNESS Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:6 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . .6:33 SINCERITY Philippians . . . . . . . . .1:9,10 STEADFASTNESS 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 15:58 STEWARDSHIP 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . 4:2 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 9:6,7 TEMPERANCE 1 Thessalonians . . . . . . . 5:6-8 TRUST Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .37:3-5 Proverbs . . . . . . . . . . .3:5,6 TRUTH John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14:6 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .17:17 Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 4:14,15 VICTORY 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 15:57 1 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .5:4 WATCHFULNESS Mark . . . . . . . . . . . 13:34-37 WORSHIP John . . . . . . . . . . . .4:23,24 ZEAL Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .12:11

"DEALING WITH SOME OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS"

ADULTERY Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 ADVERSITY Matthew . . . . . . . . . .10:16-39 ANGER Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:22-24 ANXIETY Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 CONCEIT Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .18:9-14 COVETOUSNESS Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .7:21-23 CRIME Matthew . . . . . . . . . .15:17-20 DEATH John . . . . . . . . . . . 11:25,26 DEPRAVITY John . . . . . . . . . . . .3:19-21 DIVORCE Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .10:2-12 DOUBT Matthew . . . . . . . . . .14:28-31 DRUNKENNESS Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 14:15-24 EXCUSES Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 14:15-24 EXTRAVAGANCE 1 Timothy . . . . . . . . . .6:7-12 FAULTFINDING Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 7:1-5

FEAR Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:5 FLESH Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .13:14 GREED Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 12:15-31 HATRED/ENEMIES Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:43-48 HYPOCRISY Matthew . . . . . . . . . .23:27,28 JUDGING Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 7:1 LIP SERVICE Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . .7:21 LUST Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .4:18,19 SELF-EXALTATION Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . .14:11 SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 18:11,12 SIN John . . . . . . . . . . . .8:34-36 SUBMISSION 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . 2:13-17 SWEARING Colossians . . . . . . . . . . .3:8 TRIBULATION John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16:33 WORLDLINESS 1 John . . . . . . . . . . .2:15-17

SOME GREAT STORIES FROM THE WORD OF GOD

? The Creation Story - Genesis 1:1-2:7 ? The Fall of Man - Genesis 3:6-24

? The Flood - Genesis 6:1-9:17 ? The Call of Abraham - Genesis 12:1-9

? The Ten Words - Exodus 20:1-17 ? The Shepherd's Psalm - Psalm 23

? The Birth of Christ - Matthew 1:18-2:23, Luke 1:26-2:40

? The Sermon on the Mount - Matthew 5-7

? The Beatitudes - Matthew 5:3-11 ? The Childrens' Prayer - Matthew 6:9-15, Luke 11:2-4

? The Prodigal Sons - Luke 15:11-32 ? The Good Samaritan - Luke 10:29-37

? Palm Sunday - Luke 19:28-44 ? The Last Supper - Matthew 26:20-25, Mark 14:12-26

? The Garden of Gethsemane - Matthew 26:36-46 ? The Betrayal - Matthew 26:47-56

? The Death of Jesus - Luke 23:26-56, John 19:16-42

? The Resurrection of Christ - John 20, Luke 24, Matthew 28 ? The Ascension - Acts 1:1-12

? Pentecost: The Church's Birthday - Acts 2:1-21 ? The Conversion of Saul - Acts 9:1-31

? The Better Way - 1 Corinthians 13 ? God's Hall of Fame - Hebrews 11