Jokes
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
=================================
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?
====================================
IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR
ONCE IN A WHILE....
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
===========================================
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
========================================
After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did.""And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
========================================
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
=======================================
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
======================================
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
=====================================
The teenage boy was not doing well at all in public school, so the parents decided that it would be time to send the lad to Catholic school for the year. At the end of the term, sure enough the son's marks were straight As. The parents were overjoyed and asked their son, "How did you improve so greatly? Are the nuns that much better teachers?" "Not really better teachers," said the boy, "but everywhere I looked I saw a man nailed to the cross, and I knew they meant business here."
======================================
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
========================================
The Preacher's Mother and the Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The preacher is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
=========================================
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
=========================================
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."
Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
========================================
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
========================================
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
========================================
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Church Restoration Project
Church Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As
it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so
competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the
thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
=============================
Cell phone vs. Bible
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat
our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!
===============================
Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should
do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
================================
Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come
next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such
force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
===============================
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
===============================
A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
================================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
==============================
Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
===============================
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
==============================
A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do
you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
============================
Adam Strays
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
=============================
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to
hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
============================
One Nation, 'Under God.'
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
==================================
Ole & Swen
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday
standing by the road, pounding a sign into the g round, that reads :
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve up ahead we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
=================================
Things I learned living in Oklahoma
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' and "Acrosst" are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma.
=================================
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As
it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so
competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the
thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
=============================
Cell phone vs. Bible
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat
our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!
===============================
Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should
do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
================================
Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come
next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such
force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
===============================
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
===============================
A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
================================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
==============================
Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
===============================
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
==============================
A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do
you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
============================
Adam Strays
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
=============================
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to
hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
============================
One Nation, 'Under God.'
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
==================================
Ole & Swen
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday
standing by the road, pounding a sign into the g round, that reads :
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve up ahead we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
=================================
Things I learned living in Oklahoma
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' and "Acrosst" are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma.
=================================
Friday, October 10, 2008
Jokes - Second Opinion and others
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
=====================
Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he
felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
===========================
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
============================
Hymns for Her
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
===========================
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did
it!"
============================
The Wonders of God
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways
of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat
down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be
very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It
was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had
enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two
steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed
jubilation.
"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the
Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
=========================
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
==========================
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
============================
Restless
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
===========================
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
==============================
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
=================================
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of
his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in.
"No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told
him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and
the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in
or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the
man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me
but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
==================================
How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would
that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
================================
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
================================
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
================================
Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
=================================
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what
to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the
letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the
recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it
through the post office they deduct $200."
================================
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===================================
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
==================================
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
=================================
The Preacher's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon
seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his
stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
====================================
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When
the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT
IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit
preaching and now he's meddlin'."
==================================
Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager
returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
=====================================
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full
hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
====================================
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could also be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
=======================================
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you will enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta it comes from bad judgment.
===========================
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email
to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to
get it done.
=============================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
=============================
Biblical Financiers
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
==============================
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
================================
A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college.
She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, one boy stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”
===============================
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
=====================
Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he
felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
===========================
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
============================
Hymns for Her
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
===========================
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did
it!"
============================
The Wonders of God
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways
of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat
down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be
very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It
was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had
enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two
steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed
jubilation.
"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the
Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
=========================
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
==========================
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
============================
Restless
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
===========================
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
==============================
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
=================================
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of
his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in.
"No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told
him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and
the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in
or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the
man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me
but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
==================================
How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would
that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
================================
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
================================
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
================================
Poorest Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
=================================
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what
to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the
letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the
recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it
through the post office they deduct $200."
================================
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===================================
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
==================================
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
=================================
The Preacher's Wife
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon
seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his
stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
====================================
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When
the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT
IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit
preaching and now he's meddlin'."
==================================
Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager
returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
=====================================
How Much is a Sermon Worth?
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full
hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
====================================
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could also be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
=======================================
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you will enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta it comes from bad judgment.
===========================
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email
to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to
get it done.
=============================
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
=============================
Biblical Financiers
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
==============================
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
================================
A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college.
She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, one boy stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”
===============================
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Why, Why, Why
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile, too!~~~ I hope!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Laughter Good For You
A Laugh a Day Keeps the Stress Away
It's often said laughter is the universal medicine. Certainly a good chuckle can cheer us up when we're feeling blue. Now, researchers have shown that even anticipating a laugh helps reduce stress.
A group of researchers found that anticipating laughter releases two specific hormones: beta-endorphins (the family of chemicals that alleviates depression) and human growth hormone (which helps with immunity). These two hormones increased by 27 percent and 87 percent, respectively, in a group of volunteers who anticipated getting to watch a humorous film. No increase in these hormone levels was seen among volunteers who did not anticipate getting to watch the film.
In a similar study, the same researchers found there was a significant reduction in three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine (adrenaline) and dopac (a brain chemical that helps produce epinephrine). Levels of these hormones decreased by 39 percent, 70 percent and 38 percent, respectively, among those who thought a belly laugh was imminent.
According to Dr. Lee Berk, the study team's lead researcher, "Our findings lead us to believe that by seeking out positive experiences that make us laugh, we can do a lot with our physiology to stay well."
So go ahead and guffaw – it'll do you a world of good!
It's often said laughter is the universal medicine. Certainly a good chuckle can cheer us up when we're feeling blue. Now, researchers have shown that even anticipating a laugh helps reduce stress.
A group of researchers found that anticipating laughter releases two specific hormones: beta-endorphins (the family of chemicals that alleviates depression) and human growth hormone (which helps with immunity). These two hormones increased by 27 percent and 87 percent, respectively, in a group of volunteers who anticipated getting to watch a humorous film. No increase in these hormone levels was seen among volunteers who did not anticipate getting to watch the film.
In a similar study, the same researchers found there was a significant reduction in three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine (adrenaline) and dopac (a brain chemical that helps produce epinephrine). Levels of these hormones decreased by 39 percent, 70 percent and 38 percent, respectively, among those who thought a belly laugh was imminent.
According to Dr. Lee Berk, the study team's lead researcher, "Our findings lead us to believe that by seeking out positive experiences that make us laugh, we can do a lot with our physiology to stay well."
So go ahead and guffaw – it'll do you a world of good!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Match Made in Heaven
Match Made in Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
==========================
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."
===========================
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
===========================
Three Eggs and $100
An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
===========================
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
============================
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."
============================
Say Cheese!
It was almost time for school to dismiss and a mother noticed it looked like rain. So she drove toward school to pick up her eight-year-old daughter.
She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her mother's van. Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.
Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky," she asked her daughter.
"I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."
=============================
Biblical Puns
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.
==============================
The Old Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
============================
Calling It a Day
God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."
==============================
Adam’s Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
=============================
What Is This?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
==============================
A Scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marr y Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well , I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income tax return."
"That does it! I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"
=============================
Prayer Before Meals
A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed.
"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"
============================
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
==========================
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."
===========================
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
===========================
Three Eggs and $100
An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
===========================
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
============================
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."
============================
Say Cheese!
It was almost time for school to dismiss and a mother noticed it looked like rain. So she drove toward school to pick up her eight-year-old daughter.
She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her mother's van. Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.
Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky," she asked her daughter.
"I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."
=============================
Biblical Puns
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.
==============================
The Old Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
============================
Calling It a Day
God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."
==============================
Adam’s Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
=============================
What Is This?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
==============================
A Scene at City Hall in San Francisco
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marr y Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well , I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income tax return."
"That does it! I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"
=============================
Prayer Before Meals
A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed.
"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"
============================
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Atheist in Trouble
Atheist in Trouble
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
=======================
Getting Ready For a Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
======================
Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
=======================
How to Have a Perfect Preacher
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect minister preaches exactly 12 minutes.
He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.
He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens.
He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
=======================================
Moving Testimony
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.
There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
=======================
Getting Ready For a Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
======================
Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
=======================
How to Have a Perfect Preacher
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect minister preaches exactly 12 minutes.
He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.
He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens.
He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
=======================================
Moving Testimony
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.
There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Haircut
Father and Son Discuss a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes," his father said, "and everywhere they went, they walked."
====================================
Baby Mall My husband brought our three young children down the long hall of the maternity ward, pausing to let them wave in each doorway at the new mothers cuddling bundles. At my room, he beckoned them in and introduced them to their new brother. Five-year-old Katrina gingerly fingered the baby's thick red hair that the nurse had brushed and oiled into a fat top curl. She inspected his little feet, admired his tiny ears, and planted kisses on his dimpled elbow. But her coos stopped short at his wrist. Drawing back, she pointed at the identification bracelet and frowned,"Look, Mommy. They left the price tag on!"
====================================
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
# Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
# Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
# The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
# The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
===================================
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
===========================
Kids Answer Questions About Mothers
Here's how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:
Why did God make mothers?
* She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
* Mostly to clean the house.
* To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
* He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
* Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
* God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
* God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world … and one dab of mean.
* They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
* We're related.
* God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes," his father said, "and everywhere they went, they walked."
====================================
Baby Mall My husband brought our three young children down the long hall of the maternity ward, pausing to let them wave in each doorway at the new mothers cuddling bundles. At my room, he beckoned them in and introduced them to their new brother. Five-year-old Katrina gingerly fingered the baby's thick red hair that the nurse had brushed and oiled into a fat top curl. She inspected his little feet, admired his tiny ears, and planted kisses on his dimpled elbow. But her coos stopped short at his wrist. Drawing back, she pointed at the identification bracelet and frowned,"Look, Mommy. They left the price tag on!"
====================================
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
# Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
# Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
# The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
# The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
===================================
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
===========================
Kids Answer Questions About Mothers
Here's how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:
Why did God make mothers?
* She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
* Mostly to clean the house.
* To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
* He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
* Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
* God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
* God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world … and one dab of mean.
* They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
* We're related.
* God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
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