Man of the House

Dave's Marriage Advice

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/vAZoMuMDiq0?feature=share

Who should be the head of the household? Who should make the big decisions? Find out! 

Oh Lord

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. 


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws

The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord's team won!

The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Freddy answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home.

Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Collieflower

If I were the devil

Let's Have Some Fun

Can you find 20 books of the Bible in this paragraph? Someone showed me this story and remarked that there are twenty books of the Bible hidden here. He challenged me to find them. Sure enough, they're all here. Still this thing's a lulu, kept me looking so hard for the longest time. Some of you will get bogged down with facts, others are hit by them like they were some kind of revelation or something. You may get in a jam, especially since the names are not capitalized and often leap the spaces between the words. This makes it a real job to find them, but it'll provide a most fascinating few minutes for you. Yes, there are some really easy ones to spot, but don't get the big head 'cause truthfully you'll soon figure that it would take most federal judges and preachers numbers of hours to find them all. I will admit that it usually takes, a minister to find one of them and that is not uncommon, for there are to be loud lamentations when it is pointed out. One lady says that when she is confronted with puzzles like this, she brews a cup of tea to help her concentrate better, but then this gal is a real pro! Verbs, nouns and all that stuff are her thing. See how well you can compete, Relax!! There really are twenty names of Bible books in this story. If you fail to find them, there's a penalty. You'll have to go fly a kite, sit on a banana, hum the Battle Hymn of The Republic, or hose a dog (a-mean one). Get to it!

Re-Run

    1) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

    2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

    3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 

    5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 

   6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

    8) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense  leaving your body.

    11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.

    16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?

    18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.

    19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

    21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

    22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

    23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

    24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Marques

 

Jonah in the Bible

   When a boy went off to college, his father said, "Don't ever let the take away your faith."
   Back home after two years of college the son was asked, "Do you still believe the Bible?  I hope you didn't let them weaken your faith in the Bible.  You still believe Jonah was swallowed by a fish?"
   "Oh, now, Father," said John, "you don't mean to say that you still believe that story about Jonah?"
   The father threw up his hands, horror-stricken.  "Oh, son, you've forsaken you father's faith!"
   "Father, is Jonah still in your Bible?  Have you read about him lately?  Father, get your Bible and show me where you find anything about Jonah."
   With considerable indignation the father took down his Bible and began to turn over the leaves excitedly, but could not find Jonah.
   "Now, Father, I may have played a mean trick, but two years ago when I went to college, I took your Bible and carefully cut out the pages of Jonah, and you have never missed it."
   The father's face revealed an inward struggle.  Then he quietly said, "I see it.  I'm as bad as the unbelievers.  There has been no Jonah in my Bible for two years."

Dressing for Nascar

https://youtu.be/lftHdAhtjt8

Stolen Car

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Name On Your Bible

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

Retaliation

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Hymn #365

This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Remember Slow Food?

Remember Slow Food?

Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at Home,' I explained. "Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
• In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
• My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
• I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
• We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11.
• It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
• I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.*
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
• If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren -- Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
• Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

*Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

*Ignition switches on the dashboard.*

*Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

*Real ice boxes.

*Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

*Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

*Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8 Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...**[if you were fortunate**)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15.S&H green stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22.Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

*If you remembered 

0-5 = You're still young. If you remembered 

6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 

11-15 = Don't tell your age

16-25 = You' re older than dirt!*

*I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

*Don't forget to pass this along!!Especially to all your really good**O**L**D** FRIENDS*

Why Seniors Become Confused

 Why Seniors Become Confused

Mental test for retirees or ...

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?












Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
















3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
























Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?















Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.


Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Heavenly Neighbors

Links to my other blogs

I continue to work on and add to each one of these to keep them active and up to date. Constantly adding my old material and adding fresh content.

Title: Click on the title below to go to blog	Brief description of each blog
Off-The-Church-Walls	Humor blog
Real Life Quotes	Growing Quote collection.
Real Life Enrichment	Practical information for everyday life.
Parable	Inspiring devotional illustrations
Preacher Points	Place for sermon outlines and resources
Kevin Rayner's Ministry to God @ The Edmond Church of Christ	Many current resources currently being used at the Edmond Church of Christ
Edmond Oklahoma SAM's	Information for helping Seniors
Rayner Resources	Hub for my information online
Magnify Jesus	A look at the Christ's life and teachings
Christ's Church	Reflecting on the followers of Christ
Real Life Conversion	How lives are changed by Christ
Oaks of Righteousness	Where to focus on becoming more fully devoted followers of Christ
"Overtime Church"	More challenging thoughts for the disciple that is most serious about Jesus. Theology for the night owl, weekend worker, or Bible student who wants to learn more.
Kevin's Komment	Online commentary and resources to better understand scripture.
Real Life Servant Maker	For the Christian growing with a Christ-like servant attitude toward others.
Becoming Great Neighbors	Encouragement to love and serve your neighbor
Edmond Church of ChristHospitality	Helping each Christian become more hospitable.

Humor Links
http://christianfunnypictures.com