Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

Hymn #365

This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Remember Slow Food?

Remember Slow Food?

Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at Home,' I explained. "Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
• In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
• My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
• I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
• We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11.
• It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
• I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.*
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
• If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren -- Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
• Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

*Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

*Ignition switches on the dashboard.*

*Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

*Real ice boxes.

*Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

*Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

*Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8 Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...**[if you were fortunate**)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15.S&H green stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22.Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

*If you remembered 

0-5 = You're still young. If you remembered 

6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 

11-15 = Don't tell your age

16-25 = You' re older than dirt!*

*I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

*Don't forget to pass this along!!Especially to all your really good**O**L**D** FRIENDS*

Why Seniors Become Confused

 Why Seniors Become Confused

Mental test for retirees or ...

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?












Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
















3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
























Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?















Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.


Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Heavenly Neighbors

Links to my other blogs

I continue to work on and add to each one of these to keep them active and up to date. Constantly adding my old material and adding fresh content.

Title: Click on the title below to go to blog	Brief description of each blog
Off-The-Church-Walls	Humor blog
Real Life Quotes	Growing Quote collection.
Real Life Enrichment	Practical information for everyday life.
Parable	Inspiring devotional illustrations
Preacher Points	Place for sermon outlines and resources
Kevin Rayner's Ministry to God @ The Edmond Church of Christ	Many current resources currently being used at the Edmond Church of Christ
Edmond Oklahoma SAM's	Information for helping Seniors
Rayner Resources	Hub for my information online
Magnify Jesus	A look at the Christ's life and teachings
Christ's Church	Reflecting on the followers of Christ
Real Life Conversion	How lives are changed by Christ
Oaks of Righteousness	Where to focus on becoming more fully devoted followers of Christ
"Overtime Church"	More challenging thoughts for the disciple that is most serious about Jesus. Theology for the night owl, weekend worker, or Bible student who wants to learn more.
Kevin's Komment	Online commentary and resources to better understand scripture.
Real Life Servant Maker	For the Christian growing with a Christ-like servant attitude toward others.
Becoming Great Neighbors	Encouragement to love and serve your neighbor
Edmond Church of ChristHospitality	Helping each Christian become more hospitable.

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14 Signs You're Getting Older...

14 Signs You're Getting Older...

1. You're obsessed with the weather and constantly check the forecast. (Yip)

2. You purchase shoes that velcro instead of shoelaces. (Nope)

3. You start obsessing with picking up pecans and fighting the squirrels to get them. (Nope)

4. You constantly use the phrase, "you know, when I was a kid," to your own kids. (Yip)

5. You purchase a Buick. (Nope)

6. Staying home sounds like more fun than going out. (Yip)

7. You begin to discuss your bowel frequency with others. (Nope)

8. Bran Flakes becomes your favorite cereal. (Nope)

9. You wake up early on days you could sleep in. (Yip)

10. When you think driving the speed limit is going way TOO fast. (Getting there)

11. You grow hair better on your eyebrows than you do on your head. (Getting there)

12. You have a pair of readers in every car and by every chair. (Yip)

13. Your new favorite Bible translation is Large Print. (Yip)

14. You're choosing Seinfeld reruns over the new shows on television. (Yip)

Can you think of others??

Texting Codes for Seniors...............

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone long-suffering  (we)  seniors have their own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD -  At the Doctor's

BFF -  Best Friend's Funeral

BTW -  Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT -  Bring your own teeth

CBM -  Covered by Medicare

CUATSC -  See You at the Senior Center

DWI -  Driving While Incontinent

FWBB -  Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW -  Forgot Where I Was

FYI -  Found Your Insulin

GGPBL -  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA -  Got Heartburn Again

IMHO -  Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO -  Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL -  Living on Lipitor

OMMR -  On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU -  Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT -  Texting on Toilet

TTYL -  Talk to You Louder

WTP -  Where are the Prunes

WWNO  - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!
GGLKI  - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Jeanne Robertson - Bama's Rebuttal to Auburn's "Second" Chance

Jeanne Robertson | Don't Ask, He'll Tell

Hold My Quarter

Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?" 

Compensation

A man tells about his brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order.

The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with:  "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."