Easter Bunny

Happy Easter

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.



It says..

(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

New Alphabet

New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and
B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!


Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet: 

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Important People

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Bookmarks

I will continue to add bookmarks or favorites to this blog post as I discover relevant ones. If you have any suggestions, feel free to send those to me and I will consider there relavance to this blog. If I feel they are as valuable as you, I will add them. Thanks!

Links, Bookmarks, etc. below

off-the-church-walls.podOmatic.com

Church Gossip

Mildred, the Church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the Church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's House... and left it there all night.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 
1. Sag,  you're It. 
  
2. Hide and go pee. 
  
3.  20 questions shouted into your good ear. 
  
4. Kick the  bucket 
  
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 
  
6. Musical recliners. 
  7. Simon  says something incoherent. 
  8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'

(I just LOVE reading this next line...)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

Respect for those when they die.

Video

The Top 10 Signs Your Sermon Isn’t Going Well

10. Your associate preacher is warming up in the bullpen.
9. The congregation is filling in the blanks of your outline before you get there.
8. You think the lyrics to a bluegrass song are really connecting with your audience.
7. When you pause for dramatic effect, several people giggle.
6. Your cell phone starts ringing, and you answer it.
5. The person signing for the deaf just pulled on mittens.
4. Your interpreter just rolled his eyes and put your last statement in quotation marks.
3. Desperate mothers are pinching their babies.
2. The ushers are handing out refunds.
1. You began your sermon with “Top 10 signs your sermon isn’t going well.”