Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Short Ones
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Moped
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Why?
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Internal Revenue Service Theme Song
Internal Revenue Service Theme Song
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
I'm thankful that churches are non-profit organizations in America.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
I'm thankful that churches are non-profit organizations in America.
Laughter
On average, children laugh 400 times per day
Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day.
The difference why adults laugh so much less...
because adults have children!"
At the Highland Church of Christ, we love children and they bring us laughter.
Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day.
The difference why adults laugh so much less...
because adults have children!"
At the Highland Church of Christ, we love children and they bring us laughter.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Math
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 M.P.H. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 M.P.H. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Pride at an old age.
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
FORREST GUMP
FORREST GUMP
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for Everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking Forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the Test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? --
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and Goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think The questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the Letter "T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was Thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" "How Many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that And I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve Seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Aw, come on, St Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I See your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give You credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy Walks with me, Andy talks with me."
The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another Person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you Do, does not mean that it's wrong.
-- Author Unknown
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for Everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking Forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the Test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? --
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and Goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think The questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the Letter "T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was Thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" "How Many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that And I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve Seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Aw, come on, St Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I See your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give You credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy Walks with me, Andy talks with me."
The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another Person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you Do, does not mean that it's wrong.
-- Author Unknown
Friday, April 23, 2010
Will Rogers Wisdom
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. These are some words of wisdom he is reported to have offered:
* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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