Missed Calls

Not necessarily a church humor, but thought provoking anyway.


After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the referee asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Jesus Saves

Humor Train.. hits backups!!

Religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great
contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce
competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and
Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

The Cabin

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of north Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.

'Pa?  Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother here?

'No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

Fake Women

Confusion

An elderly citizen called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Application: Sometimes people approach scripture like this. They don't look at the words in their proper context.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy- efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Dentist

The Buddhist went to the dentist and refused
Novocain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Money - Giving

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."

Gordon MacDonald shares how your generosity effects your spirit.

MINISTRY CANDIDATES

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position....

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former preaching ministry of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our preacher home would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving preacher but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

MELCHIZEDEK: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

JAMES & JOHN: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

TIMOTHY: Too young!

METHUSELAH: Too old . . . WAY too old!

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once his congregation grew he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled a far bit. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

A farmers Love Letter:

My sweet potato, do you carrot all for me? You are the apple of my eye, with your raddish hair and turnip nose. My love for you is as strong as onions. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry, and we will be a happy pear. (Reminisce Magazine)

Compliment

A man walks into a airport snackshop and the place is deserted, so he stands there waiting to be served. After a moment he hears a voice...

"Those are very nice trousers you're wearing, sir."

But when he looks round he can't see where the voice came from. After another short while he hears the voice again,

"And the shirt really makes you look quite handsome."

Before the man can figure out who is saying all this, the server appears behind the counter, carrying a box from the back room.

"Was that you talking about my clothes just then?" the man  asked.

"No sir, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary..."

A WORD...UNTIMELY SPOKEN

        A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.
        After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
        Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.
        "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"
        The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.
        Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.
        "Karate, my foot!" the husband yelled.
        He is still in the hospital.

Knowing When to Be Silent

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom. 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back.   There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones, don't you just love them!

Demolition Call - Dublin

A Shorty!

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

Short Ones

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The Moped

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.

Why?

Why, Why, Why, 

  

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? 

---

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? 

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 

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 Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 

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 Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 

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 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 

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 Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 

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 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? 

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 How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? 

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 When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' 

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 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

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 In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 

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 How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 

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 And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. 

Internal Revenue Service Theme Song

Internal Revenue Service Theme Song

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

I'm thankful that churches are non-profit organizations in America.

Laughter

On average, children laugh 400 times per day
Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day.
The difference why adults laugh so much less...
because adults have children!"

At the Highland Church of Christ, we love children and they bring us laughter.

Math

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 M.P.H. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

Pride at an old age.

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

FORREST GUMP

FORREST GUMP

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you.  I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for Everyone.  The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking Forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the Test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.

St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? --
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and Goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think The questions over, tell me your answers".

Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the Letter "T?"   "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest!   That's not what I was Thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."  "How about the next one?" "How Many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that And I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve Seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Aw, come on, St Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . "

"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I See your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give You credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy.

Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy Walks with me, Andy talks with me."

The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another Person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you Do, does not mean that it's wrong.

-- Author Unknown

Will Rogers Wisdom

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. These are some words of wisdom he is reported to have offered:

* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.

* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Now Hiring

Cow-a-socky

1964 Mercury Comet Caliente

Must see. put sound on

You have to watch this 89 year old lady with the car she has owned for 43 years!!    It is a 1964 Mercury Comet Caliente and Rachel (the woman) says the car has lasted longer than any one of her 3 husbands, and she has had the car up to 120!!  This lady has put over 540,000 miles on this one car with the original engine!    She just returned from a trip to  Pennsylvania for her 70th year high school  reunion, driving over 3,000 miles on that trip, alone!  She shows the receipt on what she paid for it, etc....Oh!  And wait until you see why she isn't afraid, either.  And you can't miss what she told them at the DMV when they renewed her driver's license!!  This is great! http://growingbolder.com/media/technology/vehicles/romancing-the-road-259598.HTML

The Mississippi Squirell Revival

Follow this link
http://www.thejesustv.com/main/media/4766/The_Mississippi_Squirell_Revival_-_FUNNY/

or

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IRS - Honestly

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Listen

Listen !

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.

He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."

After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

If My Nose Was Running Money

Why God Created Children

                  WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students..
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T! "


"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"


" No Way !"  

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God.


"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.


"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom

and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,

what makes you think it would be

a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1.  You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk.  Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2.  Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3.  Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4.  Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5.  The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6.  We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
 

 

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

First, watch what you say and do around children - you never know when children might be listening or watching (or maybe even spying)

 

 

Second, be nice to your kids. One
day, believe it or not, you will cherish the
fleeting moments that become memories

 

(Sean Isaacs - Age 8)

 

. . . . besides, they get to pick out
your nursing home when you are old

AND FINALLY:

 

IF YOU   HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

 

 

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"

AND

"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!

Now quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.

Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,

ten people will be laughing