HOLDING WIVES IN HIGH REGARD
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."
Monday, March 16, 2009
Summed Up In One Word
SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)
You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...
You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...
1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."
2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.
3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.
4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."
5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.
6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"
7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.
8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.
9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.
10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.
11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.
12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.
13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."
1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."
2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.
3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.
4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."
5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.
6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"
7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.
8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.
9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.
10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.
11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.
12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.
13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."
Gogh
Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?
Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.
Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle
Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother
Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.
Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.
Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.
E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.
Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin
Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan
Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.
Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle
Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.
Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.
Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.
Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.
Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt
Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins
Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.
Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt
Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.
Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.
Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.
Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker
Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.
Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son
Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.
U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.
Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother
Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.
Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.
Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.
Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.
Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.
Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.
Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.
Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle
Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother
Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.
Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.
Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.
E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.
Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin
Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan
Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.
Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle
Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.
Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.
Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.
Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.
Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt
Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins
Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.
Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt
Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.
Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.
Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.
Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker
Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.
Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son
Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.
U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.
Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother
Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.
Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.
Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.
Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.
Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.
Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.
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