These YouTube videos should not be attempted at home. A German man known only as The Trainrider has been a YouTube hit. After being diagnosed with leukemia, he pursued his dreams. The last year of his life was spent as a daredevil.
He surfed on the outside of Germany’s fastest commuter train. Armed with a vacuum cup and harness, he climbed aboard the ICE train. And he took the ride of a lifetime at more than 200 mph!
More than four million have seen his inspirational story. That would be touching if it were true. The Trainrider is real. But he’s not a dying man pursuing his dreams. The wildly popular YouTube video was a fake. And one news organization got the story behind it all.
You’ll see both videos here. The lesson? Don’t believe everything you see on YouTube.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Ads That Miscommunicate
CLASSIFIED ADS THAT DIDN'T QUITE WORK
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Pull Together
Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Bulletin Bloopers
Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: -------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours". |
Cajon Logic
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
"Da End is Near.
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
"Da End is Near.
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Day Light Saving Time
"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."
Monday, October 19, 2009
Visa or Mastercard?
Visa or Mastercard?
Our friends were ready to go to Italy as missionaries, but were waiting for their visas. As the waiting period grew longer and longer, they enlisted the prayers of their Christian friends. Our ten-year-old neighbor boy offered what he innocently thought was a logical alternative. "Why don't they try MasterCard?" he asked.
Placed by the Hiltons?
One day in junior church, I taught about Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked who remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up. "Okay," I said. "I'll give you a clue: he fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets." Still no response. "Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn God's will," I said. Ten little blank faces stared at me. "One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today with the same name as our hero, who go around hotels putting Bibles in the rooms." Finally an eager 8-year-old boy shot up his hand and said, "Oh! Oh! It was Hilton!"
Our friends were ready to go to Italy as missionaries, but were waiting for their visas. As the waiting period grew longer and longer, they enlisted the prayers of their Christian friends. Our ten-year-old neighbor boy offered what he innocently thought was a logical alternative. "Why don't they try MasterCard?" he asked.
Placed by the Hiltons?
One day in junior church, I taught about Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked who remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up. "Okay," I said. "I'll give you a clue: he fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets." Still no response. "Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn God's will," I said. Ten little blank faces stared at me. "One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today with the same name as our hero, who go around hotels putting Bibles in the rooms." Finally an eager 8-year-old boy shot up his hand and said, "Oh! Oh! It was Hilton!"
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
A Cowboy Named Bud
A Cowboy Named Bud
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .
Now give me back my dog.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .
Now give me back my dog.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Solution to the Economy
Just Imagine
A sure-fire way to fix America’s financial dilemma - the irresponsible spending in Washington D.C.
If Washington’s high-rollers would take a lesson from God’s word on fiscal responsibility and apply basic Christian teaching to the national debt we could be debt free instead of heading for a bankrupt nation!
Consider the following letter:
Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations.
1. They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - unemployment fixed!
2. They MUST buy a new American Car. Forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed!
3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed! It can’t get any easier than that!
A sure-fire way to fix America’s financial dilemma - the irresponsible spending in Washington D.C.
If Washington’s high-rollers would take a lesson from God’s word on fiscal responsibility and apply basic Christian teaching to the national debt we could be debt free instead of heading for a bankrupt nation!
Consider the following letter:
Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations.
1. They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - unemployment fixed!
2. They MUST buy a new American Car. Forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed!
3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed! It can’t get any easier than that!
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Sitter
I like the explanation one little boy gave as to why Mary and Joseph took the baby Jesus to Egypt. "They couldn't get a sitter," he concluded.
Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Hushers
HUSHERS
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Kevin Rayner
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Kevin Rayner
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Listen!
Listen!
Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.
He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"
"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."
Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.
He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"
"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."
Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html
Whatever God Wants He Can Take
Money
My Uncle Wayne told me this one.
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can take."
My Uncle Wayne told me this one.
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can take."
College Student and Money
A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
The Preacher And The Song Leader
The Preacher and The Minister of Music
There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.
One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service.
The song leader then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord.
The song leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.
The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning.
The song leader then led the song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.
As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week. He informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away.
The song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus.
There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.
One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service.
The song leader then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord.
The song leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.
The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning.
The song leader then led the song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.
As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week. He informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away.
The song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus.
THE LAST SIX MONTHS
THE LAST SIX MONTHS
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical checkup. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
(Boy am I glad & proud to have a great second set of parents in my wife's parents. They are the best!) -- Kevin
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical checkup. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
(Boy am I glad & proud to have a great second set of parents in my wife's parents. They are the best!) -- Kevin
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Welcome To Texas
WELCOME TO TEXAS!
For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these.
For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!!
It's so HOT in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
It's so HOT in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
It's so HOT that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
It's so DRY in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk.
It's so DRY in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Love Your Wife
HOLDING WIVES IN HIGH REGARD
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."
Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."
Summed Up In One Word
SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)
You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...
You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...
1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."
2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.
3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.
4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."
5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.
6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"
7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.
8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.
9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.
10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.
11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.
12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.
13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."
1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."
2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.
3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.
4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."
5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.
6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"
7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.
8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.
9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.
10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.
11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.
12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.
13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."
Gogh
Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?
Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.
Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle
Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother
Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.
Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.
Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.
E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.
Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin
Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan
Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.
Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle
Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.
Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.
Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.
Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.
Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt
Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins
Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.
Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt
Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.
Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.
Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.
Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker
Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.
Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son
Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.
U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.
Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother
Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.
Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.
Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.
Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.
Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.
Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.
Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.
Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle
Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother
Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.
Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.
Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.
E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.
Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin
Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan
Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.
Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle
Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.
Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.
Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.
Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.
Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt
Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins
Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.
Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt
Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.
Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.
Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.
Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker
Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.
Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son
Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.
U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.
Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother
Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.
Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.
Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.
Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.
Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.
Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
White Lie Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified ..she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified ..she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Biblical Humor
IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE....
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
How Big Is Wal-Mart
HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approximately 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
13. Let Wal-Mart run government and bail out Wall Street!!!
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approximately 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
13. Let Wal-Mart run government and bail out Wall Street!!!
Friday, February 06, 2009
Check out this short video of talking dogs!
Check out this short video of talking dogs!
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/RealTalkingDogs.htm
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/RealTalkingDogs.htm
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Case of the Missing God
Case of the Missing God
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a minister in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the minister. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The minister agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The minister sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the minister repeated the question in a sterner tone. "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the minister raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face. "Where is God?" he asked.
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and anxiously asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a minister in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the minister. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The minister agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The minister sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the minister repeated the question in a sterner tone. "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the minister raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face. "Where is God?" he asked.
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and anxiously asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"
Monday, February 02, 2009
The Biblical Scholar
The Biblical Scholar
A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."
"And children? How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."
"And children? How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Brothers Keeper
One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species."
In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Religious Guys Share Car Ownership
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Odd statistics a friend sent me
If you were in charge, can you imagine employing a group like this! This organization has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
AND IT'S NOT A ROOFING COMPANY
Scroll down . . . .
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
AND IT'S NOT A ROOFING COMPANY
Scroll down . . . .
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
House Value
House Value
YOUR HOUSE
as seen by You..
Your Lender
Your Buyer
Your Appraiser
Your Tax Assessor
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Older Than Dirt
'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers—my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Heated Up
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Blonde Mortician
Blonde Mortician.........
As a minister I get to spend some time around funeral homes. One story a person will always remember is...
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
As a minister I get to spend some time around funeral homes. One story a person will always remember is...
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Caught in a Blizzard
Caught in a Blizzard
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work.
He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation.
He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it.
As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time.
John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
===========================
The Ole and Lena Story
Up there by Lake Wobegon it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work.
He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation.
He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it.
As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time.
John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
===========================
The Ole and Lena Story
Up there by Lake Wobegon it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.
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Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
He works miracles.
FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
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Saturday, January 24, 2009
God's Yellow Pages
GOD'S YELLOW PAGES
Spiritual Guidance from God - let your fingers do the walking or Dial Direct ..........................................Jeremiah 33:3
Spiritual Guidance from God - let your fingers do the walking or Dial Direct ..........................................Jeremiah 33:3
| "WHERE TO LOOK WHEN..." |
| AFRAID Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .34:4 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 10:28 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 1:7 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . .13:5,6 ANXIOUS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .46 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 Philippians . . . . . . . . . . 4:6 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . 5:6,7 BACKSLIDINGPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 1 John . . . . . . . . . . . 1:4-9 BEREAVEMENT Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:4 CONSCIOUS OF SINProverbs . . . . . . . . . . .28:13 DEFEAT Romans . . . . . . . . . . .8:31-39 DEPRESSED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34 DISASTER Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 DISCOURAGEDPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . 42:6-11 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . 55:22 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:11,12 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . .4:8-18 Philippians . . . . . . . . . 4:4-7 DOUBT Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . .8:26 FACING CRISISPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:25-34 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 FAITH FLAGS LEAVING HOMEPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Matthew . . . . . . . . . .10:16-20 LONELYPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Hebrews . . . . . . . . . . .13:5,6 NEEDING GOD'S PROTECTIONPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . .27:1-6 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 Philippians . . . . . . . . . .4:19 | NEEDING GUIDANCE Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . .32:8 Proverbs . . . . . . . . . . .3:5,6 NEEDING PEACEJohn . . . . . . . . . . . . 14:1-4 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .16:33 Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .5:1-5 Philippians . . . . . . . . . 4:6,7 RULES FOR LIFE Romans . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 OVERCOME SICK - IN PAINPsalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 26:39 Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .5:3-5 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . 12:9,10 1 Peter . . . . . . . .4:12, 13, 19 SORROWFUL Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:4 John . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . 1:3,4 1 Thessalonians . . . . . . 4:13-18 TEMPTED Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . 139:23,24 Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 26:41 1 Corinthians . . . . . . .10:12-14 Philippians . . . . . . . . . . 4:8 James . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4:7 2 Peter . . . . . . . . . 2:9; 3:17 THANKFULNESS Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 WORRIEDMatthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . 5:6,7 |
"CHRISTIAN VIRTUES & CHARACTER" | |
| ABUNDANT LIFE John . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:10 CITIZENSHIP Romans . . . . . . . . . . . 13:1-7 Titus . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3:1 CLEANLINESS 2 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . 7:1 CONSECRATION Romans . . . . . . . . . . . 12:1,2 CONTENTMENT Philippians . . . . . . . . 4:11-13 1 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 6:6 COURAGE Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . 27:14 DILIGENCE Romans . . . . . . . . . . . .12:11 ENDURANCE Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .21:9-19 2 Timothy . . . . . . . . . . . 2:3 FAITH Matthew . . . . . . . . . . .8:5-13 FORGIVENESS Mark . . . . . . . . . . . 11:25,26 Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 4:31,32 FREEDOM John . . . . . . . . . . . .8:31-36 HOPE 1 Peter . . . . . . . . . . . .1:13 HUMILTY Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .18:9-14 Philippians . . . . . . . . .2:3-11 JOY Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:20 John . . . . . . . . . . . . .15:11 KINDNESS Colossians . . . . . . . . .3:12,13 LABORJohn . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9:4 | LOVE Luke . . . . . . . . . . . . .10:27 1 Corinthians . . . . . . . . . .13 OBEDIENCE John . . . . . . . . . . . 14:15-24 PERSEVRANCE Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .13:5-13 PRAYER Luke . . . . . . . . . . . .11:1-13 READING THE BIBLE John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:39 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1:2 Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .119:97 RESOLVE Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 6:10-18 TRUST Psalm . . . . . . . . . . . .37:3-5 Proverbs . . . . . . . . . . .3:5,6 TRUTH John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14:6 Ephesians . . . . . . . . . 4:14,15 |
| "DEALING WITH SOME OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS" | |
| ADULTERY Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 ADVERSITY Matthew . . . . . . . . . .10:16-39 ANGER Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:22-24 ANXIETY Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 6:19-34 DEATH John . . . . . . . . . . . 11:25,26 DEPRAVITY John . . . . . . . . . . . .3:19-21 DIVORCE Mark . . . . . . . . . . . .10:2-12 DOUBT Matthew . . . . . . . . . .14:28-31 FAULTFINDING Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . 7:1-5 | FEAR GREED Luke . . . . . . . . . . . 12:15-31 HATRED/ENEMIES Matthew . . . . . . . . . . 5:43-48 HYPOCRISY Matthew . . . . . . . . . .23:27,28 JUDGING Matthew . . . . . . . . . . . . 7:1 SWEARING Colossians . . . . . . . . . . .3:8 TRIBULATION John . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16:33 |
SOME GREAT STORIES FROM THE WORD OF GOD
? The Creation Story - Genesis 1:1-2:7 ? The Fall of Man - Genesis 3:6-24
? The Flood - Genesis 6:1-9:17 ? The Call of Abraham - Genesis 12:1-9
? The Ten Words - Exodus 20:1-17 ? The Shepherd's Psalm - Psalm 23
? The Birth of Christ - Matthew 1:18-2:23, Luke 1:26-2:40
? The Sermon on the Mount - Matthew 5-7
? The Beatitudes - Matthew 5:3-11 ? The Childrens' Prayer - Matthew 6:9-15, Luke 11:2-4
? The Prodigal Sons - Luke 15:11-32 ? The Good Samaritan - Luke 10:29-37
? Palm Sunday - Luke 19:28-44 ? The Last Supper - Matthew 26:20-25, Mark 14:12-26
? The Garden of Gethsemane - Matthew 26:36-46 ? The Betrayal - Matthew 26:47-56
? The Death of Jesus - Luke 23:26-56, John 19:16-42
? The Resurrection of Christ - John 20, Luke 24, Matthew 28 ? The Ascension - Acts 1:1-12
? Pentecost: The Church's Birthday - Acts 2:1-21 ? The Conversion of Saul - Acts 9:1-31
? The Better Way - 1 Corinthians 13 ? God's Hall of Fame - Hebrews 11
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