Atheist in Trouble
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
=======================
Getting Ready For a Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
======================
Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
=======================
How to Have a Perfect Preacher
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect minister preaches exactly 12 minutes.
He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.
He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens.
He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
=======================================
Moving Testimony
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.
There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Haircut
Father and Son Discuss a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes," his father said, "and everywhere they went, they walked."
====================================
Baby Mall My husband brought our three young children down the long hall of the maternity ward, pausing to let them wave in each doorway at the new mothers cuddling bundles. At my room, he beckoned them in and introduced them to their new brother. Five-year-old Katrina gingerly fingered the baby's thick red hair that the nurse had brushed and oiled into a fat top curl. She inspected his little feet, admired his tiny ears, and planted kisses on his dimpled elbow. But her coos stopped short at his wrist. Drawing back, she pointed at the identification bracelet and frowned,"Look, Mommy. They left the price tag on!"
====================================
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
# Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
# Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
# The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
# The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
===================================
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
===========================
Kids Answer Questions About Mothers
Here's how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:
Why did God make mothers?
* She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
* Mostly to clean the house.
* To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
* He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
* Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
* God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
* God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world … and one dab of mean.
* They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
* We're related.
* God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes," his father said, "and everywhere they went, they walked."
====================================
Baby Mall My husband brought our three young children down the long hall of the maternity ward, pausing to let them wave in each doorway at the new mothers cuddling bundles. At my room, he beckoned them in and introduced them to their new brother. Five-year-old Katrina gingerly fingered the baby's thick red hair that the nurse had brushed and oiled into a fat top curl. She inspected his little feet, admired his tiny ears, and planted kisses on his dimpled elbow. But her coos stopped short at his wrist. Drawing back, she pointed at the identification bracelet and frowned,"Look, Mommy. They left the price tag on!"
====================================
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
# Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
# Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
# The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
# The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
===================================
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
===========================
Kids Answer Questions About Mothers
Here's how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:
Why did God make mothers?
* She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
* Mostly to clean the house.
* To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
* He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
* Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
* God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
* God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world … and one dab of mean.
* They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
* We're related.
* God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)