Senior Golf

Senior Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

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Real Men Barbecue

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.

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"the hole-he-goes"

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?' she says as she shook the older boy in anger.


'We were just playing church mommy,' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

May God bless you abundantly today more than you could think or ask. May your day be filled with laughter, peace and the love of friends and family.

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A man with two ice chests full of live fish in water leaving a river well known for its fishing was stopped by a game warden recently. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

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Squirrel Went to Church Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NsdF_sk7fQ

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The Importance of Fresh Produce

Two boys, aged eight and four, were discussing Adam and Eve.

The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?"
And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."

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Drunk Driving

A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister replies, "Just water."

The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"


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Splitting the Offering

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God.

The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church."

The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church."

The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""

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Dubious Guidance from Scripture

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition, yet he still seemed to be doing well.

Curious as to why, the college graduate asked his friend, "How has everything been going with you?"

The less-educated, less ambitious man replied, "Well, one day, I opened my Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a page. The word under my finger was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then I tried the same method again, and my finger stopped on the word gold. So, I invested in gold, and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. When he opened his eyes, he saw that his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Exercises for 2008

15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2008...

Jumping on the bandwagon
Wading through paperwork
Running around in circles
Pushing your luck
Spinning your wheels
Adding fuel to the fire
Beating your head against the wall
Climbing the walls
Beating your own drum
Dragging your heels
Jumping to conclusions
Grasping at straws
Fishing for compliments
Throwing your weight around
Passing the buck


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INSTALLING HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. -- But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the beta version of Snoring Loudly.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

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A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs. Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS."

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay every day just to hear you say that!"