Police Reports

Allegedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning!?! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Forgive Your Enemies

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"One hundred and one."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

The End is Near

Two preachers from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now... Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

One preacher turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"

Spanking

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."