Sunday, November 19, 2000
Everyday Face
The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell. . . well, then your everyday face will do."
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Keep a good man down.
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
Good Men
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
Saturday, November 11, 2000
Random Thoughts
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Do unto others, then run...
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Do unto others, then run...
Friday, November 10, 2000
Medical Humor
Medical Humor
* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.
* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.
* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.
* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"
* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.
* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.
* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.
* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"
Thursday, November 09, 2000
Oldest
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest.
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
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