You "might" be becoming too Fundamentalist

I scanned through these and I think they are PC. Please let me know if I missed anything. --- kr

You "might" be becoming too fundamentalish when...

* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You pray out loud in King James English
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You name your children after the apostles.

Dying Husband

Dying Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone in his office.

"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die," he said.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim."

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will completely regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Twinkle In The Eye

How often there was a twinkle in the eye of Jesus!

His humor shines through his words. For instance, Jesus once pictured the religious legalists of his day. He said they were like a man who polished the outside of his drinking cup, but forgot to clean the inside. "You are like a person," said Jesus, "who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel" (Matthew 23:24). Jesus made his point by a humorous exaggeration. He used the same kind of humor when he said, "It is much harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle" (Mark 10:25). There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he talked about the faultfinder: "Why do you notice the little piece of sawdust that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).

The humor of Jesus show us the quickness of his mind and the playfulness of his outlook. Long before Mary Poppins, Jesus knew that a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." How much we need the humor of Jesus today! We get deadly serious about his words and miss the humor in them. Jesus talked about the necessity of communicating his message. He made this point by an absurd picture: "Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed? Don't you put it up on a table or on the mantel?"
(Mark 4:21).

Jesus did not fit the pattern of what people expected a holy man to be like. Luke reported: "By this time a lot of men and women of doubtful reputation were hanging around Jesus, listening intently" (Luke 15:1). The religion scholars were not pleased and growled, "He takes in sinners and eats meals with them, treating them like old friends" (Luke 15:2). Jesus' cousin, John, had followers who fasted all the time. Jesus and his followers had a reputation for eating and drinking. Again, Jesus reached for a humorous image to portray his contemporaries. He said about them: "They're like spoiled children complaining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk but you were always too busy.' John the Baptist came fasting and you called him crazy. The Son of Man (Jesus' favorite term for himself) came feasting and you called him a lush" (Luke 7:31-34, The Message). I believe that Jesus would approve this little prayer:

God, give me sympathy and common sense,

And help me home with courage high.

God, give me calm and confidence

And please -- a twinkle in my eye."

Shot Down

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"