Jeanne Robertson "Don't send a man to the grocery store!"

Potlucks and Diets

I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet.
I get hungry.

Mother's Wisdom

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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Mother's Wisdom:

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
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"MOTHER'S MAINTENANCE MANUAL"
        Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect
our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need
a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as
well as we do our automobiles.
        Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.
        Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can
reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks
are needed to keep up that peak performance.
        Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out
every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
        Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes,
unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.
        Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods, it should be treated immediately with
Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
        Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop
occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest.)
        Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads, but an
occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.
        Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise
should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring
and fall are also helpful. If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program
of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.
        Tune-ups: Mother needs regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and
most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
        If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God
that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most.
-- Author Unknown

Testimony in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Good Advice

Good Advice

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. 

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches  you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Kid President meets the President of the United States of America

If Churches Were Marketed as Breakfast Cereals

Can you imagine what it would be like if churches were marketed as breakfast cereals?

• Post Modern Flakes, I tried these, there were too Sweet and I needed to take Alka-Stetzer
• Frosted Liturgicals, best served chilled with extra trappings
• Reform Church Crunch, now 25% more fortified against change
• Holy Ghost Toasties, a scoop of nuts in every box!
• Cell Church Congra-bits, homemade flavor, less committees
• Cheeful-ios, Popped with psychology and a pat of answers
• Praisin’ Bran, All Hymns for Older Believers
• Multisite-O-Meal, merging with a church near you!
• Sweet-N-Seeker, Flavored with tasty sound bites
• Contempo-Pops, new from HillSong Farms

Okay, just having a little fun there.

Awesome People and Amazing Animals

How Mothers Deliver a Baby from Little Girl's Point of View

Great Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

My Waffle Wedded Wife

Songs through the Years from a Baptist perspective

Songs through the Years from a Baptist perspective

Goodbye Mom

Let this be a lesson to you.

Hope this touches you the way it touched me! 

GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. 

If he stopped, she stopped. 

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." 

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." 

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye,Mom." 

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. 

"That comes to $221.85,"said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items." 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. 

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!! 

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!

Walter Cronkite in the Home Office of 2001 (1967)

Amazing prediction of the future.

HUMOR

For quotes about humor go to my other blog at
http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html



http://reallifequotes.blogspot.com/2010/12/humor.html

Flowering waterfall!

Wisteria in Japan..

Nature has its own way of expression beyond imagination. Amazing!

SERIOUSLY!!!

Start your weekend laughing…………..