Halloween Card

Another Halloween Card

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Fall Color at the Dallas Arboretum

HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. See also "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack becomes after losing the lottery week after week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: See supermodel

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you feel like before that first cup of morning coffee.

Halloween Puns

Q. Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A. To get a BOOster shot.

Q. What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A. A poultrygeist.

Q. Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A. To boo the umpire.

Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello, hello, hello.

Q. What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A. A booloney sandwich.

Q. What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A. Whipped Scream

Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
A. In noisery school.

Q. What kind of street does a ghost live on?
A. A dead end.

Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.

Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. "Fasten your sheet belt."

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He is mist

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
A. At the ghastly station

Christians are like Pumpkins.....

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.  Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for the entire world to see.

Twelve Nights of Halloween

On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... A vulture in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR- TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!

Cough Syrup

A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night. Suddenly, from behind him he heard: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he could see an upright casket. It was banging its way down the middle of the street toward him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man began to run home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He ran up to his door; fumbled with his keys; opened the door and rushed in. He slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the casket crashed through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The terrified man ran up the stairs to the bathroom and locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in huge gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the bathroom door, bumping and clapping toward him: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

The man screamed and reached for something, anything! His hand closed around a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket and ... the coffin stopped.

Halloween PUNishment

How can you slay a vampire?
      Put a bunch of reindeer in front of him. (Scot Nelson)

Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being charged with what?
      In-cider trading (Paul Croft)

                  JEST FOR KIDS

Where does Dracula water ski?
      In Lake Erie, off course. (Norman Gilbert)

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
      It was his bat. (C C Jokes)

What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon?
      A Were-doe (Stan Kegel)

What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
      Buckle your sheet belt . (Ernie)

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
      Day scare centers.  (Clynch Varnadore)

What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
      You get repossessed (Lederer & Swanson).

Why did the spider buy a car?
      He wanted to take it for a spin  (Daily Groaner)

Why did the chicken sit on the ax?
      To try and hatchet.  (Daily Groaner)

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays. (Christopher, 11)

What do Unicorns call their father?
      "Pop" corn. (William Brabant)

What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
      A Dead Give-away  (Stan Kegel)

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
      He is mist.   (Trinitty)

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?
      Pumpkin Pi. (Norman Gilbert)

What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
      A horrible par a dox (Gary Hallock)

How do you make a milkshake?
      You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"  (C C Jokes)

I think our school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit. (Gina)

What do little ghosts drink?
      Evaporated milk.   (Daily Groaner)

What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
      A terror wrist.  (Daily Groaner)

What is the study of shopping called?
      Buy-ology (Rachel, 8)

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
      Because they don't have any body to go out with... (Jackie Holle)

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
      Tombstones (Bill Stubbins)

When he was a teenager, why didn't the invisible man hang out with his friends?
      Too much disappear pressure (Gary Hallock)

What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
      A Skele-tan.   (Daily Groaner)

What game did the ghost play with the kid?
      Peek-a boo (Ann, 8)

The first haunted house open to the public had 20 scream doors. (Daryl Stout)

What's the best way to talk to a Martian?
      Long distance! (Andrea)

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
(Jokes4U)

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
      Because his heart wasn’t in it. (Christine, 10)

Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to arrive?
      Because they only run a skeleton service. (Cassie, 9)

People who play the stock market get happy on halloween. Why?
      Its ticker treat night!
  (Louise & Mike Gourdoux)

What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
      A Scare-ousel (Stan Kegel)

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
      It was his bat. (C C Jokes)

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
      No body.  (Clynch Varnadore)

What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?
      Hello, Hello, Hello  (Daily Groaner)

The mummy asked his maker, 'How do I exist?'
      The answer: Just be gauze  (Gary Hallock)

Who delivers spooks' mail?
      The U.S. Ghostal Service   (Cynthia MacGregor)


Who was the most famous ghost detective?
      Sherlock Moans (Trinitty)

What is Transylvania?
      Dracula's terror-tory (Jeff P. Symonds)

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
      Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!
                (Tom & Carrol)

How do ghosts get through locked doors?
      They use skeleton keys  (Marsha Coleman)

Why don't mummies go on vacations?
      Because they might relax and unwind!! (The Daily Joke)

What is a hot and noisy duck?
      A firequacker. (Alan, 8)

Why was the elephant fired from the circus?
      Because he kept throwing his weight around (Lederer & Entner)

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
      Skin diving (LAB Riddles)

Why are cards like wolves?
      Because they belong to a pack.
                 (Stan Kegel)

What do you call a exam given to a criminal?
      A con-test  (Susie Mundy)

Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
      It sounded too fishy. (Archives)

Why did the police dog like to stay home in bed?
      Because he was an undercover agent (Lederer & Entner)

What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?
      One bites the hand that feeds it; the other feeds the hand that bites it. (Jeff Rovin)

What can jump higher than a house?
      Anything. Houses can’t jump
                (Daily Groaner)

What do baby sweet potatoes sleep in?
      Their yammies.  (Daily Groaner)

Why couldn’t they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?
      Because the home team lost the opener. (Tei, 8)

What kind of birds are most frequently found in captivity?
      Jailbirds (LOL Riddles)

Halloween Cartoons

Follow this link to some Halloween Cartoons


Halloween cartoons (3 have downloadable, high-res versions):
http://www.reverendfun.com/artchives/results.php?request=halloween

Happy Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
"I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Are you ready for this?

We think she's been

Sweeping Around!

.

Why dogs attack people!

Especially ones who are forced to wear costumes at Halloween.