Happy Easter
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
New Alphabet
New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and
B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
A is for apple, and
B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
Important People
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Bookmarks
I will continue to add bookmarks or favorites to this blog post as I discover relevant ones. If you have any suggestions, feel free to send those to me and I will consider there relavance to this blog. If I feel they are as valuable as you, I will add them. Thanks!
Links, Bookmarks, etc. below
off-the-church-walls.podOmatic.comMonday, April 18, 2011
Church Gossip
Mildred, the Church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the Church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's House... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's House... and left it there all night.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Brothers
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line...)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line...)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Saturday, April 02, 2011
The Top 10 Signs Your Sermon Isn’t Going Well
10. Your associate preacher is warming up in the bullpen.
9. The congregation is filling in the blanks of your outline before you get there.
8. You think the lyrics to a bluegrass song are really connecting with your audience.
7. When you pause for dramatic effect, several people giggle.
6. Your cell phone starts ringing, and you answer it.
5. The person signing for the deaf just pulled on mittens.
4. Your interpreter just rolled his eyes and put your last statement in quotation marks.
3. Desperate mothers are pinching their babies.
2. The ushers are handing out refunds.
1. You began your sermon with “Top 10 signs your sermon isn’t going well.”
9. The congregation is filling in the blanks of your outline before you get there.
8. You think the lyrics to a bluegrass song are really connecting with your audience.
7. When you pause for dramatic effect, several people giggle.
6. Your cell phone starts ringing, and you answer it.
5. The person signing for the deaf just pulled on mittens.
4. Your interpreter just rolled his eyes and put your last statement in quotation marks.
3. Desperate mothers are pinching their babies.
2. The ushers are handing out refunds.
1. You began your sermon with “Top 10 signs your sermon isn’t going well.”
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Exercise
Before resolving to jog five miles a day
Visit a cardiologist...
to have your heart examined
A podiatrist....
to have your feet examined
And a psychiatrist...
to have your head examined!
Visit a cardiologist...
to have your heart examined
A podiatrist....
to have your feet examined
And a psychiatrist...
to have your head examined!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day Dream
Valentine's Day Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
"You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
"You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Miscellaneous Humor
HOLY HUMOR!
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "preacher," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "preacher," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Forgetter Be Forgotten
Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Marriage
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Monday, January 03, 2011
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