Dog Tricks

Forgetter Be Forgotten

Forgetter Be Forgotten

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

TOP 10 QUESTIONS HUSBANDS SHOULD NEVER ASK

Marriage

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? 

larry griswold

Missed Calls

Not necessarily a church humor, but thought provoking anyway.


After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the referee asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Jesus Saves

Humor Train.. hits backups!!

Religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great
contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce
competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and
Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

The Cabin

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of north Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.

'Pa?  Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother here?

'No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

Fake Women

Confusion

An elderly citizen called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Application: Sometimes people approach scripture like this. They don't look at the words in their proper context.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy- efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Dentist

The Buddhist went to the dentist and refused
Novocain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Money - Giving

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."

Gordon MacDonald shares how your generosity effects your spirit.

MINISTRY CANDIDATES

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position....

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former preaching ministry of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our preacher home would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving preacher but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

MELCHIZEDEK: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

JAMES & JOHN: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

TIMOTHY: Too young!

METHUSELAH: Too old . . . WAY too old!

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once his congregation grew he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled a far bit. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

A farmers Love Letter:

My sweet potato, do you carrot all for me? You are the apple of my eye, with your raddish hair and turnip nose. My love for you is as strong as onions. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry, and we will be a happy pear. (Reminisce Magazine)

Compliment

A man walks into a airport snackshop and the place is deserted, so he stands there waiting to be served. After a moment he hears a voice...

"Those are very nice trousers you're wearing, sir."

But when he looks round he can't see where the voice came from. After another short while he hears the voice again,

"And the shirt really makes you look quite handsome."

Before the man can figure out who is saying all this, the server appears behind the counter, carrying a box from the back room.

"Was that you talking about my clothes just then?" the man  asked.

"No sir, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary..."

A WORD...UNTIMELY SPOKEN

        A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.
        After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
        Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.
        "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"
        The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.
        Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.
        "Karate, my foot!" the husband yelled.
        He is still in the hospital.

Knowing When to Be Silent

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom. 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back.   There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones, don't you just love them!

Demolition Call - Dublin

A Shorty!

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."