A Cowboy Named Bud

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

Solution to the Economy

Just Imagine

A sure-fire way to fix America’s financial dilemma - the irresponsible spending in Washington D.C.

If Washington’s high-rollers would take a lesson from God’s word on fiscal responsibility and apply basic Christian teaching to the national debt we could be debt free instead of heading for a bankrupt nation!

Consider the following letter:
Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations.

1. They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - unemployment fixed!
2. They MUST buy a new American Car. Forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed!
3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed! It can’t get any easier than that!

Sitter

I like the explanation one little boy gave as to why Mary and Joseph took the baby Jesus to Egypt. "They couldn't get a sitter," he concluded.

Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Hushers

HUSHERS

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Kevin Rayner
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Listen!

Listen!

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.

He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."

After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Whatever God Wants He Can Take

Money

My Uncle Wayne told me this one.

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can take."

College Student and Money

A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

The Preacher And The Song Leader

The Preacher and The Minister of Music

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.

One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service.

The song leader then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord.

The song leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.

The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning.

The song leader then led the song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.

As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week. He informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away.

The song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

THE LAST SIX MONTHS

THE LAST SIX MONTHS

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical checkup. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

(Boy am I glad & proud to have a great second set of parents in my wife's parents. They are the best!) -- Kevin

Welcome To Texas

WELCOME TO TEXAS!

For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these.

For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!!

It's so HOT in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

It's so HOT in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

It's so HOT that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

It's so DRY in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk.

It's so DRY in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

Love Your Wife

HOLDING WIVES IN HIGH REGARD

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.

Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."

Summed Up In One Word

SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."

2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.

3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.

4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."

5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.

6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"

7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.

8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.

9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.

10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.

11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.

12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.

13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."

Gogh

Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?

Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.

Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle

Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother

Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.

Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.

Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.

E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.

Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin

Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan

Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.

Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle

Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.

Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.

Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.

Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.

Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt

Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins

Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.

Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt

Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.

Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.

Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.

Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker

Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.

Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son

Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.

U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.

Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother

Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.

Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.

Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.

Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.

Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.

Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.

White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified ..she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Biblical Humor

IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE....

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.


Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.


Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)


PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'


KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

How Big Is Wal-Mart

HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approximately 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

13. Let Wal-Mart run government and bail out Wall Street!!!

Check out this short video of talking dogs!

Check out this short video of talking dogs!

http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/RealTalkingDogs.htm

Case of the Missing God

Case of the Missing God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a minister in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the minister. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The minister agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The minister sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the minister repeated the question in a sterner tone. "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the minister raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face. "Where is God?" he asked.

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and anxiously asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"

The Biblical Scholar

The Biblical Scholar

A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."

"And children? How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"

"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."