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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Welcome To Texas

WELCOME TO TEXAS!

For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these.

For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!!

It's so HOT in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

It's so HOT in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

It's so HOT that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

It's so DRY in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk.

It's so DRY in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Love Your Wife

HOLDING WIVES IN HIGH REGARD

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.

Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."

Summed Up In One Word

SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."

2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.

3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.

4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."

5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.

6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"

7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.

8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.

9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.

10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.

11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.

12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.

13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."

Gogh

Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?

Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.

Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle

Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother

Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.

Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.

Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.

E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.

Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin

Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan

Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.

Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle

Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.

Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.

Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.

Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.

Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt

Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins

Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.

Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt

Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.

Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.

Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.

Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker

Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.

Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son

Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.

U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.

Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother

Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.

Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.

Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.

Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.

Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.

Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified ..she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Biblical Humor

IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE....

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.


Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.


Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)


PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'


KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

How Big Is Wal-Mart

HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approximately 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

13. Let Wal-Mart run government and bail out Wall Street!!!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Case of the Missing God

Case of the Missing God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a minister in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the minister. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The minister agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The minister sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the minister repeated the question in a sterner tone. "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the minister raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face. "Where is God?" he asked.

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and anxiously asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Biblical Scholar

The Biblical Scholar

A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."

"And children? How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"

"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Brothers Keeper

One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species."

In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Religious Guys Share Car Ownership

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Friday, January 30, 2009

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Twinkies and Root Beer

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7/Twinkies.htm

Odd statistics a friend sent me

If you were in charge, can you imagine employing a group like this! This organization has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

AND IT'S NOT A ROOFING COMPANY


Scroll down . . . .










It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Government in Action!!! Priceless

Government in Action!!! Priceless!!!

House Value

House Value

YOUR HOUSE

as seen by You..






Your Lender






Your Buyer





Your Appraiser




Your Tax Assessor

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Older Than Dirt

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers—my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!