Four Golfers

Four old men were out golfing.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

The Door Stopper

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

SUPER HERO'S

OTHER CHRISTIAN SUPER HERO'S

We have seen the super hero's in comics and cartoons. There is a new video series out called Bible-Man. What other Christian Super Hero's would we like to see? How about --

7. Doughnut Man - Able to provide doughnuts before Sunday service faster than a speeding bullet.

6. Wonder Man - Disappears on Sunday mornings to the lakes and bayous for fishing. Makes the Pastor "Wonder" where he is.

5. Super Pastor - Able to read the member's minds to know when they are in need of Pastoring. Is able to avoid criticism for not guessing there is a need.

4. Choir Director Man - Able to sing all four-part harmony in any key at the drop of a hat.

3. Super Organist - No matter what key a song is started in, this super hero is right there to pick up on it.

2. Evangelist Man - Able to preach sermons 7 days per week on a $50.00 offering.

1. Sunday School Teacher Avenger - Keeps 30 rowdy 10 year olds under complete control for 1 hour each week without a bit of recognition. Wears a spitball proof garment.

Harold the Computer Guy

Harold the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

Injured Employee

Injured Employee

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"

Shoes in church

Shoes in church

I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.

I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.

Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.

I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"

It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.

A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.

They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.

The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."

I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.

Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?

"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.

The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.

His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.

The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.

I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.

I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.

Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.

The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.

It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.

We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.

But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.

So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.

But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.

He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."

There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.

"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.

"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"

"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.

"But I really do try................"To always look my best."

"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.

"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."

My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.

As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.

He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.

"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."

I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said

Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.

"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;

"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."

The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.

Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.

Church Terms

Church Terms That Oughta Be...

Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.

Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.

Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.

Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.

Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.

Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.

Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.

Deck of Cards

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.

The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.

As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.

Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"

The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."

The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,

I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."

The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.

The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.

The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.

The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.

The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.

The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.

The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.

The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.

The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.

The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.

There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.

The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.

Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.

Prayer for the Military.

Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.

Protect them. Bless them and their families.

I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.

When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.

Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK

10 Little Christians

10 Little Christians!!!

Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.

Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.

Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.

Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..

Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,

Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.

Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.

Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.

Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.

Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight

Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.

In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew

Author Unknown

BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES

BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it as we traveled?

What if we used it in case of an emergency?

What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?

This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!

Man Named Jed

A MAN NAMED JED

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!

Kids Letters To God

Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --Ginny =========

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========

Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========

Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========

Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========

Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========

Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========

Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========

Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========

Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========

Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========

Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========

Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========

Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========

Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========

Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========

Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========

Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========

Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========

Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene

======= Quote of the day =======

It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.

--Tim Hussar

Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK

Sunday School

A father asked his son what he had learned in Sunday School.The boy replied, "We learned about how Moses went behind enemy lines to rescue the Jews from the Egyptians. Moses ordered the engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After the people had crossed, he sent bombers back to blow up the bridges and the Egyptian tanks that were following them. And then..."

"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.

The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"

Senior Personal Ads

"Senior Personal Ads"

Foxy Lady:
Intriguing, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-Term Commitment:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles or Stones?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

Memories:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Mint Condition:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Generous Giving

Generous Giving

The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous.

One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."

"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger shovel."

The Preacher

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"

You Know You Are In Texas

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN. . .

+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .

+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .

+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .

+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .

+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .

+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .

+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .

+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .

+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .

+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .

+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?

+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Commercial Ads for God

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He works miracles.

a FORD
He's got a better idea.

COKE
He's the real thing.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

SEARS
He has everything.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.

ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. 

Call It A Day

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."