Shoes in church
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................"To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Church Terms
Church Terms That Oughta Be...
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Deck of Cards
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
Thursday, January 11, 2007
10 Little Christians
10 Little Christians!!!
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Monday, August 14, 2006
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
Man Named Jed
A MAN NAMED JED
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Kids Letters To God
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --Ginny =========
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunday School
A father asked his son what he had learned in Sunday School.The boy replied, "We learned about how Moses went behind enemy lines to rescue the Jews from the Egyptians. Moses ordered the engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After the people had crossed, he sent bombers back to blow up the bridges and the Egyptian tanks that were following them. And then..."
"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.
The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"
"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.
The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"
Senior Personal Ads
"Senior Personal Ads"
Foxy Lady:
Intriguing, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Long-Term Commitment:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Serenity Now:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
Winning Smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
Beatles or Stones?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Memories:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Mint Condition:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Generous Giving
Generous Giving
The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous.
One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."
"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger shovel."
The Preacher
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
Friday, July 25, 2003
You Know You Are In Texas
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN. . .
+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .
+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .
+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .
+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .
+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .
+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .
+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .
+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .
+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .
+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .
+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?
+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .
+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .
+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .
+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .
+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .
+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .
+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .
+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .
+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .
+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .
+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?
+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Commercial Ads for God
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
Call It A Day
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Turbulent Jet Flight
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Preacher, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Preacher, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
Jesus Saves
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They did every known task.
About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They did every known task.
About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Monday, January 15, 2001
Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
...and they are the idols of our children.....
1. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
1. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
Sunday, November 19, 2000
Everyday Face
The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell. . . well, then your everyday face will do."
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Keep a good man down.
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
Good Men
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
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