Sunday School

A father asked his son what he had learned in Sunday School.The boy replied, "We learned about how Moses went behind enemy lines to rescue the Jews from the Egyptians. Moses ordered the engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After the people had crossed, he sent bombers back to blow up the bridges and the Egyptian tanks that were following them. And then..."

"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.

The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"

Senior Personal Ads

"Senior Personal Ads"

Foxy Lady:
Intriguing, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-Term Commitment:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles or Stones?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

Memories:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Mint Condition:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Generous Giving

Generous Giving

The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous.

One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."

"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger shovel."

The Preacher

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

I Don't Want to Go to Church Today

Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"

"I don't want to go," complained the husband.

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."

"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"

You Know You Are In Texas

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN. . .

+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .

+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .

+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .

+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .

+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .

+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .

+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .

+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .

+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .

+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .

+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?

+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Commercial Ads for God

BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

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He's got a better idea.

COKE
He's the real thing.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

SEARS
He has everything.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.

ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. 

Call It A Day

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

Turbulent Jet Flight

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Preacher, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They did every known task.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR  JOBS

...and they are the idols of our children.....
     
1.  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
     
2.  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
     
3.  And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win  the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
     
4.  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear  earrings."
     
5.   Senior basketball player at  the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no  matter how long it takes."  (Now that is  beautiful)
     
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
     
7.  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
     
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

9.  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
     
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared  nervous at practice:
          "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
          (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
     
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
             He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
     
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
          "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
     
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
     
14.  Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,   

                 Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Everyday Face

The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell. . . well, then your everyday face will do."

Keep a good man down.

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"

Good Men

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"

Random Thoughts

1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

15) Do unto others, then run...

Medical Humor

Medical Humor

* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.

* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.

* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."

* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.

* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"

Oldest

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest.

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

Where Do I Come From

The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where do I come from?"

The embarrassed father gulped and proceeded to go into a long-winded explanation of the birds, the bees, the stork and anything else he could think of. Finally, the father turned to his son and asked, "Why do you want to know?"

"Oh," he replied, "there's this new kid in the neighborhood and he's from Nashville, and I just wondered where I came from.

How to Annoy Other People

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "terrible service".

3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up".

7. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

9. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

10. Honk and wave at strangers.

11. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

12. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.

13. type only in lower case.

14. Dont use any punctuation either

15. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

17. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

18. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed up." And repeat.

19. Ask people what gender they are.

20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

22. Sing along at the opera.

23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

24. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles".

25. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

26. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send things like this.

Soap Maker

A rabbi and a soap maker went for a walk together. The soap maker said, "what good is religion? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years--thousands of years--of teaching about goodness and truth and peace. Still there, after all the prayers and sermons and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this be?"

The rabbi said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.

Then the rabbi said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The soap maker protested. "But, Rabbi, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly!" replied the rabbi.

Sports Teams You are Disappointed In

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"