Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR  JOBS

...and they are the idols of our children.....
     
1.  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
     
2.  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
     
3.  And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win  the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
     
4.  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear  earrings."
     
5.   Senior basketball player at  the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no  matter how long it takes."  (Now that is  beautiful)
     
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
     
7.  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
     
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

9.  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
     
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared  nervous at practice:
          "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
          (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
     
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
             He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
     
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
          "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
     
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
     
14.  Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,   

                 Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Everyday Face

The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell. . . well, then your everyday face will do."

Keep a good man down.

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"

Good Men

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"

Random Thoughts

1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

15) Do unto others, then run...

Medical Humor

Medical Humor

* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.

* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.

* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."

* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.

* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"

Oldest

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest.

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

Where Do I Come From

The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where do I come from?"

The embarrassed father gulped and proceeded to go into a long-winded explanation of the birds, the bees, the stork and anything else he could think of. Finally, the father turned to his son and asked, "Why do you want to know?"

"Oh," he replied, "there's this new kid in the neighborhood and he's from Nashville, and I just wondered where I came from.

How to Annoy Other People

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "terrible service".

3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up".

7. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

9. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

10. Honk and wave at strangers.

11. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

12. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.

13. type only in lower case.

14. Dont use any punctuation either

15. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

17. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

18. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed up." And repeat.

19. Ask people what gender they are.

20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

22. Sing along at the opera.

23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

24. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles".

25. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

26. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send things like this.

Soap Maker

A rabbi and a soap maker went for a walk together. The soap maker said, "what good is religion? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years--thousands of years--of teaching about goodness and truth and peace. Still there, after all the prayers and sermons and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this be?"

The rabbi said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.

Then the rabbi said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The soap maker protested. "But, Rabbi, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly!" replied the rabbi.

Sports Teams You are Disappointed In

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

Leaf

Momma, look what I found!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Good For A Dime

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."


Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."

Tennis

Question: Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?

Answer: "When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."

Cartwrights

A Sunday school teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

"Hoss," said Willie.


Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."


"Ah, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."

Church Math

CATHOLIC MATH

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Preacher

A friend tells about back in the 1930's when his father was a preacher in some mountain communities in western N.C., his dad and mother went to visit a family who lived in a cabin on the side of a mountain. As they started up the long steps to the high front porch, the woman of the house came out of the door, walked across the porch, kicked at the hound dog who was lying at the top of the steps, and said, "Git out, Preacher!" The guy's parents hesitated, but deciding that the woman was actually talking to the dog, and not to them, they went on up the steps.

Later, during the visit, they got up enough courage to ask the woman, "Is your dog named "Preacher?" She replied, "Yes, the neighbors named him that because he ate all their chickens."

SEEING EYE DOGS

There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Bible by College Students

Top 10 Ways The Bible Would Be Different If It Were Written By College Students

10. Loaves and fishes replaced by pizza and chips.
9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's e-mail to the Romans.
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a freshman.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Silver

Silver
~~~~~ The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon one day and sat down to drink [a soda] (hey it's my joke!) . After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running! -Drum sound