Question: Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: "When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."
Saturday, September 30, 2000
Cartwrights
A Sunday school teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
"Hoss," said Willie.
Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Ah, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
"Hoss," said Willie.
Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Ah, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
Friday, September 22, 2000
Church Math
CATHOLIC MATH
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Preacher
A friend tells about back in the 1930's when his father was a preacher in some mountain communities in western N.C., his dad and mother went to visit a family who lived in a cabin on the side of a mountain. As they started up the long steps to the high front porch, the woman of the house came out of the door, walked across the porch, kicked at the hound dog who was lying at the top of the steps, and said, "Git out, Preacher!" The guy's parents hesitated, but deciding that the woman was actually talking to the dog, and not to them, they went on up the steps.
Later, during the visit, they got up enough courage to ask the woman, "Is your dog named "Preacher?" She replied, "Yes, the neighbors named him that because he ate all their chickens."
Later, during the visit, they got up enough courage to ask the woman, "Is your dog named "Preacher?" She replied, "Yes, the neighbors named him that because he ate all their chickens."
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
SEEING EYE DOGS
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Bible by College Students
Top 10 Ways The Bible Would Be Different If It Were Written By College Students
10. Loaves and fishes replaced by pizza and chips.
9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's e-mail to the Romans.
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a freshman.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Saturday, September 09, 2000
Silver
~~~~~
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running!
Friday, August 25, 2000
Why I Am Balding
Top Ten Reasons Why I, As A Preacher, Am Balding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Out of consideration for God! Matthew 10:30 says that God numbers every hair on our heads, so I thought I would make His job easier!
9. The gleam from my forehead makes me look angelic while preaching.
8. The last hairpiece I had flew off while I was making a particularly forceful plea from the pulpit.
7. Youth group, 'nuff said!
6. Three boys and two girls, double 'nuff said!
5. People were always mistaking me for Fabio, so I had my hair surgically removed!
4. Proverbs 16:31 says, "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." So I figured gray AND bald was even better!
3. Hey, when I repent, I REPENT! (Isaiah 22:12)
2. I look at it as a sign that the old is being recreated as a less-hairy-more-Christ-like-new!
1. Paul teaches, "if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him"( 1 Corinthians 11:14). So I figure no hair must really be an honor! "I’m a preacher who is not losing hair, but rather gaining face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Out of consideration for God! Matthew 10:30 says that God numbers every hair on our heads, so I thought I would make His job easier!
9. The gleam from my forehead makes me look angelic while preaching.
8. The last hairpiece I had flew off while I was making a particularly forceful plea from the pulpit.
7. Youth group, 'nuff said!
6. Three boys and two girls, double 'nuff said!
5. People were always mistaking me for Fabio, so I had my hair surgically removed!
4. Proverbs 16:31 says, "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." So I figured gray AND bald was even better!
3. Hey, when I repent, I REPENT! (Isaiah 22:12)
2. I look at it as a sign that the old is being recreated as a less-hairy-more-Christ-like-new!
1. Paul teaches, "if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him"( 1 Corinthians 11:14). So I figure no hair must really be an honor! "I’m a preacher who is not losing hair, but rather gaining face!"
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Kids say the funniest things
Kids say the funniest things!
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Saturday, August 12, 2000
Life As An American
LIFE AS AN AMERICAN
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
Friday, August 11, 2000
More Lost in the Translation
More Lost in the Translation!
Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He regularly crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the Texas Rangers could catch him.
The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally crossed the border into Mexico. Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn't speak any English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to shake with fear. The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen from the Texas banks. "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the money is right now, we're going to shoot him dead on the spot!"
The bartender translated all this for Pepe. Immediately, Pepe explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They could find the money by counting down seventeen stones from the handle, and behind the seventeenth stone was all the loot he had stolen.
The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, "Pepe is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he is not afraid to die!"
Things sometimes get lost in the translation. Much of what we read and hear and watch is secondhand information that may or may not be true. We need to make sure that we are not only getting the truth, but also communicating the truth to others.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He regularly crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the Texas Rangers could catch him.
The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally crossed the border into Mexico. Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn't speak any English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to shake with fear. The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen from the Texas banks. "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the money is right now, we're going to shoot him dead on the spot!"
The bartender translated all this for Pepe. Immediately, Pepe explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They could find the money by counting down seventeen stones from the handle, and behind the seventeenth stone was all the loot he had stolen.
The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, "Pepe is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he is not afraid to die!"
Things sometimes get lost in the translation. Much of what we read and hear and watch is secondhand information that may or may not be true. We need to make sure that we are not only getting the truth, but also communicating the truth to others.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
You "might" be becoming too Fundamentalist
I scanned through these and I think they are PC. Please let me know if I missed anything. --- kr
You "might" be becoming too fundamentalish when...
* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You pray out loud in King James English
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You name your children after the apostles.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You pray out loud in King James English
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You name your children after the apostles.
Monday, July 03, 2000
Dying Husband
Dying Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone in his office.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die," he said.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will completely regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone in his office.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die," he said.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will completely regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Sunday, July 02, 2000
Twinkle In The Eye
How often there was a twinkle in the eye of Jesus!
His humor shines through his words. For instance, Jesus once pictured the religious legalists of his day. He said they were like a man who polished the outside of his drinking cup, but forgot to clean the inside. "You are like a person," said Jesus, "who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel" (Matthew 23:24). Jesus made his point by a humorous exaggeration. He used the same kind of humor when he said, "It is much harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle" (Mark 10:25). There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he talked about the faultfinder: "Why do you notice the little piece of sawdust that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).
The humor of Jesus show us the quickness of his mind and the playfulness of his outlook. Long before Mary Poppins, Jesus knew that a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." How much we need the humor of Jesus today! We get deadly serious about his words and miss the humor in them. Jesus talked about the necessity of communicating his message. He made this point by an absurd picture: "Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed? Don't you put it up on a table or on the mantel?"
(Mark 4:21).
Jesus did not fit the pattern of what people expected a holy man to be like. Luke reported: "By this time a lot of men and women of doubtful reputation were hanging around Jesus, listening intently" (Luke 15:1). The religion scholars were not pleased and growled, "He takes in sinners and eats meals with them, treating them like old friends" (Luke 15:2). Jesus' cousin, John, had followers who fasted all the time. Jesus and his followers had a reputation for eating and drinking. Again, Jesus reached for a humorous image to portray his contemporaries. He said about them: "They're like spoiled children complaining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk but you were always too busy.' John the Baptist came fasting and you called him crazy. The Son of Man (Jesus' favorite term for himself) came feasting and you called him a lush" (Luke 7:31-34, The Message). I believe that Jesus would approve this little prayer:
God, give me sympathy and common sense,
And help me home with courage high.
God, give me calm and confidence
And please -- a twinkle in my eye."
His humor shines through his words. For instance, Jesus once pictured the religious legalists of his day. He said they were like a man who polished the outside of his drinking cup, but forgot to clean the inside. "You are like a person," said Jesus, "who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel" (Matthew 23:24). Jesus made his point by a humorous exaggeration. He used the same kind of humor when he said, "It is much harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle" (Mark 10:25). There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he talked about the faultfinder: "Why do you notice the little piece of sawdust that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).
The humor of Jesus show us the quickness of his mind and the playfulness of his outlook. Long before Mary Poppins, Jesus knew that a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." How much we need the humor of Jesus today! We get deadly serious about his words and miss the humor in them. Jesus talked about the necessity of communicating his message. He made this point by an absurd picture: "Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed? Don't you put it up on a table or on the mantel?"
(Mark 4:21).
Jesus did not fit the pattern of what people expected a holy man to be like. Luke reported: "By this time a lot of men and women of doubtful reputation were hanging around Jesus, listening intently" (Luke 15:1). The religion scholars were not pleased and growled, "He takes in sinners and eats meals with them, treating them like old friends" (Luke 15:2). Jesus' cousin, John, had followers who fasted all the time. Jesus and his followers had a reputation for eating and drinking. Again, Jesus reached for a humorous image to portray his contemporaries. He said about them: "They're like spoiled children complaining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk but you were always too busy.' John the Baptist came fasting and you called him crazy. The Son of Man (Jesus' favorite term for himself) came feasting and you called him a lush" (Luke 7:31-34, The Message). I believe that Jesus would approve this little prayer:
God, give me sympathy and common sense,
And help me home with courage high.
God, give me calm and confidence
And please -- a twinkle in my eye."
Saturday, July 01, 2000
Shot Down
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Tuesday, November 23, 1999
Thanksgiving
What does a turkey say?
"Gobble, gobble, gobble?" ....... Not always!
What does ...
A jewelry-lovin' turkey say?
"Bauble bauble bauble"
A dyslexic turkey say?
"Boggle Boggle Boggle"
A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
"Cobble cobble cobble"
A turkey who was an old-time movie fan say?
"Gable, Gable, Gable!"
A turkey with a sore throat say?
"Gargle Gargle Gargle"
A turkey with a sore leg say?
"Hobble hobble hobble."
A football turkey say?
"Huddle, huddle, huddle"
A dieting turkey:
"Nibble, nibble nibble."
A one-legged Cockney turkey
"'Obble 'Obble 'Obble"
A turkey who argues a lot:
"Squabble squabble squabble."
What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say?
"Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble."
Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went...
"Wobble Wobble Wobble!"
Cartoons at
http://www.thebackpew.com/holidays/thanksgiving
"Gobble, gobble, gobble?" ....... Not always!
What does ...
A jewelry-lovin' turkey say?
"Bauble bauble bauble"
A dyslexic turkey say?
"Boggle Boggle Boggle"
A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
"Cobble cobble cobble"
A turkey who was an old-time movie fan say?
"Gable, Gable, Gable!"
A turkey with a sore throat say?
"Gargle Gargle Gargle"
A turkey with a sore leg say?
"Hobble hobble hobble."
A football turkey say?
"Huddle, huddle, huddle"
A dieting turkey:
"Nibble, nibble nibble."
A one-legged Cockney turkey
"'Obble 'Obble 'Obble"
A turkey who argues a lot:
"Squabble squabble squabble."
What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say?
"Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble."
Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went...
"Wobble Wobble Wobble!"
Cartoons at
http://www.thebackpew.com/holidays/thanksgiving
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