"When you exit
this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank
you."
Monday, November 04, 2019
Friday, September 20, 2019
Perspective
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Thursday, September 19, 2019
Man of the House
Dave's Marriage Advice
Who should be the head of the household? Who should make the big decisions? Find out!
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Oh Lord
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME
THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME
Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.
The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.
Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"
Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!
The Lord's team won!
The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Freddy answered that he did not know why.
The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home.
Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.
The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.
Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"
Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!
The Lord's team won!
The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Freddy answered that he did not know why.
The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home.
Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Wednesday, April 03, 2019
Monday, March 25, 2019
Thursday, February 07, 2019
Let's Have Some Fun
Can you find 20 books of the Bible in this paragraph? Someone showed me this story and remarked that there are twenty books of the Bible hidden here. He challenged me to find them. Sure enough, they're all here. Still this thing's a lulu, kept me looking so hard for the longest time. Some of you will get bogged down with facts, others are hit by them like they were some kind of revelation or something. You may get in a jam, especially since the names are not capitalized and often leap the spaces between the words. This makes it a real job to find them, but it'll provide a most fascinating few minutes for you. Yes, there are some really easy ones to spot, but don't get the big head 'cause truthfully you'll soon figure that it would take most federal judges and preachers numbers of hours to find them all. I will admit that it usually takes, a minister to find one of them and that is not uncommon, for there are to be loud lamentations when it is pointed out. One lady says that when she is confronted with puzzles like this, she brews a cup of tea to help her concentrate better, but then this gal is a real pro! Verbs, nouns and all that stuff are her thing. See how well you can compete, Relax!! There really are twenty names of Bible books in this story. If you fail to find them, there's a penalty. You'll have to go fly a kite, sit on a banana, hum the Battle Hymn of The Republic, or hose a dog (a-mean one). Get to it!
Monday, March 05, 2018
Re-Run
1) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
8) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.
15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.
16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?
18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.
19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
8) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.
15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.
16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?
18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.
19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Tuesday, December 05, 2017
Jonah in the Bible
When a boy went off to college, his father said, "Don't ever let the take away your faith."
Back home after two years of college the son was asked, "Do you still believe the Bible? I hope you didn't let them weaken your faith in the Bible. You still believe Jonah was swallowed by a fish?"
"Oh, now, Father," said John, "you don't mean to say that you still believe that story about Jonah?"
The father threw up his hands, horror-stricken. "Oh, son, you've forsaken you father's faith!"
"Father, is Jonah still in your Bible? Have you read about him lately? Father, get your Bible and show me where you find anything about Jonah."
With considerable indignation the father took down his Bible and began to turn over the leaves excitedly, but could not find Jonah.
"Now, Father, I may have played a mean trick, but two years ago when I went to college, I took your Bible and carefully cut out the pages of Jonah, and you have never missed it."
The father's face revealed an inward struggle. Then he quietly said, "I see it. I'm as bad as the unbelievers. There has been no Jonah in my Bible for two years."
Back home after two years of college the son was asked, "Do you still believe the Bible? I hope you didn't let them weaken your faith in the Bible. You still believe Jonah was swallowed by a fish?"
"Oh, now, Father," said John, "you don't mean to say that you still believe that story about Jonah?"
The father threw up his hands, horror-stricken. "Oh, son, you've forsaken you father's faith!"
"Father, is Jonah still in your Bible? Have you read about him lately? Father, get your Bible and show me where you find anything about Jonah."
With considerable indignation the father took down his Bible and began to turn over the leaves excitedly, but could not find Jonah.
"Now, Father, I may have played a mean trick, but two years ago when I went to college, I took your Bible and carefully cut out the pages of Jonah, and you have never missed it."
The father's face revealed an inward struggle. Then he quietly said, "I see it. I'm as bad as the unbelievers. There has been no Jonah in my Bible for two years."
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Stolen Car
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Name On Your Bible
A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Monday, December 28, 2015
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