Christian One-Liners

Christian One-Liners Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews.. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* People are funny; They want the Front of the bus, the Middle of the road, And Back of the church. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If a church wants a better pastor, preacher, or deacon, It only needs to pray for the ones it has.. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some minds are like concrete Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Peace starts with a smile. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' Are just sitting on the premises. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Don't put a question mark where God put a period. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Forbidden fruits create many jams. +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God grades on the cross, not the curve. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God loves everyone, But probably prefers  'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!' *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* He who angers you, controls you! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* We don't change the message, The message changes us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* You can tell how big a person is By what it takes to discourage him. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If this blessed you in a profound way today, share it with a few friends to bless them! I bet someone else will LOVE it too. There is no greater treasure than a good friend! Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Miss Someone?

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said,

You might find a coat Hanger and use that to open the door.

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?'

But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, 'Sure.'

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.'

The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, 'Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!'

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.   We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
   The melody out of music,
   The pride out of appearance,
   The courtesy out of driving,
   The romance out of love,
   The commitment out of marriage,
   The responsibility out of parenthood,
   The togetherness out of the family,
   The learning out of education,
   The service out of patriotism,
   The Golden Rule from rulers,
   The nativity scene out of cities,
   The civility out of behavior,
   The refinement out of language,
   The dedication out of employment,
   The prudence out of spending,
   The ambition out of achievement, or,
   God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."


Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party......    even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place,  somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....  I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them,  but I would send it to many more!

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~***~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge .  .  .  mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
7) With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to that? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
M - memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, which cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so
Z is for zest

OLDER THAN DIRT?

Today's humorous story actually comes in the form of a quiz. How many of these do you remember ?

   1.   Bazooka chewing gum
   2.   Little wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
   3.   Television broadcasts ending at night and not coming on until late morning
   4.   Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
   5.   Hamburger joints with table side jukeboxes
   6.   Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
   7.   Telephone "party lines"
   8.   Newsreels shown before the movie
   9.   Butch wax
  10.   Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
  11.   Peashooters
  12.   The Howdy Doody Show
  13.   45 RPM records (and record players)
  14.   S&H Green Stamps
  15.   Television test patterns
  16.   Metal ice trays with levers
  17.   Mimeograph paper
  18.   Blue flashbulbs
  19.   The Amos and Andy show (radio or TV!)
  20.   Roller skate keys
  21.   Cork popguns
  22.   Drive-in theaters
  23.   Studebakers (they were automobiles)
  24.   Wash tub wringers
  25.   The television day beginning and ending with The Star Spangled Banner

       If you remembered 0-7, you're still young (ish)
       If you remembered 8-14, you're getting older
       If you remembered 15-20, don't tell your age
       If you remembered 21-25, you're older than dirt!

A Saint by Comparison

Greg Asimakoupoulos tells the story about two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades. They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business. The younger brother died unexpectedly. The surviving brother went to the preacher of the local church. "I'd like you to conduct my brother's funeral," he said, "but it's important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint."

"But he was far from that," the minister countered. The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook. "Preacher, I'm prepared to give $100,000 to your church. All I'm asking is that you publicly state that my brother was a saint." On the day of the funeral, the minister began his eulogy this way. "Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk. He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes." Then he paused. "But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint!"

Someday

I've got a great joke about procrastination I plan to post sometime later.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

 1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
 2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
 3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
 4. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 5. You tune into the easy listening station ... on purpose.
 6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ... In that order.
 7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
 8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags ... and you're not carrying any luggage.
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar ... a month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out ... and it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.
22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak ... and you say "pureed."
33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
43. Many of your coworkers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style ... come back in style.
45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
47. You keep repeating yourself.
48. You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
49. You wear black socks with sandals.
50. You take a metal detector to the beach.

Momma, look what I found

Momma, look what I found

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Beauty of Mathematics

Senior Humor

 Every Have One of Those "Senior Moments?"

ALL RIGHT, who sent this to me? WHOEVER SENT IT,     send it to SOMEONE who COULD actually benefit from it, OKAY!

Kids in Church

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :   
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 
Harold is His name.   
Amen." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:   
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,  
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.   
His father asked him three times what was wrong.    
Finally, the boy replied, 
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,   
and I wanted to stay with you guys."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,   
"And forgive us our trash baskets    
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they 
were on the way to church service,   
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  
One bright little girl replied,   
"Because people are sleeping."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.   
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.   
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,   
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,     
" Ryan, you be Jesus !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A father was at the beach with his children  
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,    
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore   
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.   
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. 
"He died and we nt to Heaven," the Dad replied.  
The boy thought a moment and then said,  
"Did God throw him back down?"    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A wife invited some people to dinner.   
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,   
"Would you like to say the blessing?"     
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.   
The daughter bowed her head and said,   
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of the most breathtaking / colourful places of the world............

Riomaggiore, Cinque Terre, Italy     Keukenhof Tulip Gardens, Lisse, Holland       Son Doong Cave, Vietnam       Tunnel of Love in Kleven, Ukraine       Terraced Rice Field, Yunnan, China       Salt Desert of Uyuni, Bolivia       Sagano Bamboo Grove, Japan     Pamukkale Travertine Pools, Turkey     Cenotes, Yucatán Peninsula, Mexico     Skogarfoss Waterfall, Iceland     Palominito Island, Puerto Rico     Isle of Skye, Scotland     Dunn's River Falls, Jamaica     Sea Caves, Benagil, Portugal       Capilano Suspension Bridge, Vancouver, British Columbia     Lucca, Italy     Ilhéu da Vila, Portugal      San Marco, Venice, Italy     Thor's Well, Cape Perpetua, Oregon     Maldives, islands off India     Lake Powell, Utah, USA     Six Senses Yao Noi, Thailand     Portillo Ski Resort, Chile     Lofoten, Norway     El Escorial, Madrid, Spain      ************************

Good Sportsmanship

 At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

 

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued,

 "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire.

 Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

 "Now go over there and explain it to your mother!"

          

  

Kids Say I'm Out of Touch!

I've got three televisions, cable, and a satellite dish,

 I have three phone lines in the house,

 a cell phone and one in the car,

 plus a pager.

 

I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax.

 

 I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one.

 

 I watch both the local and network news every evening.

And my kids  have the nerve to tell me

I'm out of touch!

                 

A Little Mixed Up

   Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the Dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more "Mixed Up" in the Head

For, sometimes, I can't remember,
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or I've just come down from there?

And before the frig, so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt
have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is dark out,
with my night cap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of Bed.

So, if its my turn to write you,
there's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

Do remember I do love you
and wish that you were here
but now, its nearly mail time
so I must say, "Good-bye" dear.

There I stood beside the mailbox
with my face so very Red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead.

Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the preacher greets the family.

"Preacher," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

PREACHER'S BUSINESS CARD

A new preacher was visiting in the homes of his members. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."