Long Sermon

The preacher stood up for his sermon and the congregation couldn't help but notice several bandages on his face.

"Excuse me," says the preacher, "but this morning I was so deep in thought about my sermon that I cut myself shaving."

When the service had ended and the preacher was saying goodbye to everyone as they filed out the door, one old curmudgeon shakes the preacher's hand and says, "Next time think about shaving and cut the sermon."

Sermon Take Off

A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife.  She asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."

His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

Wedding Dress from Toilet Paper

Check out the cheap wedding dress.

http://www.cheap-chic-weddings.com/wedding-contest-2006.html

Words in a Day by Men & Women

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

Get Out of Bed and Go To Church

A story is told of a married couple one Sunday morning. The alarm goes off to get ready for church, but only the wife gets out of bed and begins to get ready. After she comes into the bedroom from washing up and dressing, she sees her husband still lying in the covers, trying to go back to sleep. Worried that they’ll be late, she shakes him and says, “Honey. Wake up. We’re going to church, remember?”
He rolls over and with sleepy eyes and says, “Aw, I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to sleep in instead.”
Disgusted, she tries again: “Honey, we have got to go to church. Now get out of bed and get dressed. There’s no sleeping in.”  Again, her husband shows no signs of getting out of bed.
He says, “No, sweetie, I just don’t feel like going to church today. I don’t like the service, the sermons are boring, and, what’s more, I don’t like the people. I can’t stand being around those people.”
His wife looks at him and says with much determination, “Now get out of bed!  You are the preacher and that whole congregation is expecting you to be there this morning!! And I don’t want to hear any more of it!”

Ain't It The Truth

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

Are any cars named after actual people? . . .

Are any cars named after actual people? . . .

Alfa-Romeo Nicola Romeo, while the "Alfa" stood for Anonima Lombarda Fabbrica Automobili, or Lombardy Automobile Works Company

Aston-Martin - Lionel Martin, who won races on Aston Clinton hill, near Aylesbury, England.

Bugatti - Ettore Bugatti

Chevrolet - Louis Chevrolet

Citroen - Andre-Gustave Citroen

Daimler - Gottfried Daimler

Ferrari - Enzo Ferrari

Hillman - William Hillman

Honda - Soichiro Honda

Lancia - Vincenzo Lancia

Maserati = The Maserati brothers, Carolo, Bindo, Alfieri, Ettore, and Ernesto

Mercedes - Mercedes Jellinek, the ten-year-old daughter of Austrian financier and motor-racing enthusiast Emil Jellinek

Opel - Adam Opel

Peugeot - Armand Peugeot

Porsche - Ferdinand Porsche

Rolls-Royce - Charles Rolls and Henry Royce

Skoda - Emil Skoda

Toyota - Sakichi Toyoda. The family changed the name to Toyota since "Toyoda" needs ten characters in Japanese but "Toyota" only eight. And eight is the Japanese lucky number!

Make Money in Mexico

HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN MEXICO

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a piñata?"

Mistakes

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Warning of Terrorist Groups

WARNING BEWARE OF TERRORIST GROUPS IN OUR CHURCHES

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them IF YOU bin lookin and bin goin.)

I Resign

I Resign!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; 

When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. 

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. 

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ .....

"Tag! You're it."

Should I Join Facebook?

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group and perhaps their kids too !!! 

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand-kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot.."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I want to share it with you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Relative of Yours?

A husband and wife drove a long way in silence following a terrible argument in which neither would budge.  The husband eventually pointed to a mule in a pasture and asked: "relative of yours?"  "Yes", she replied, "By marriage".

Best prayer EVER! Pastor Joe Nelms - Nascar Nationwide - Nashville, TN

Baseball

BASEBALL IN THE BIBLE

'In the Big Inning'   (Genesis 1:1)
'Thou shalt make a plate...'  (Exodus 28:36)
'Who catcheth ...'  (Lev. 17:13)
'Samson went and caught...'  (Judges: 15:14)
'Joshua did pitch...'   (Joshua 4:20)
'Who hath first...'   (Romans 11:35)
'The field I give thee...'   (Genesis 23:11)
'...they were in the field.'  (Genesis 4:8)
'It will be foul...'  (Matthew 21:30)
'Thou art fair...'   (Songs of Solomon 1:15)
'He came to second...  (Matthew 21:30)
'Likewise...and the third'   (Matthew 22:36)
'Haman came Home'   (Ester 5:10)
'is safe'.....(Proverbs 18:10)
'Pitch it within and without...'   (Genesis 6:14)
'I caught him'   (I Samuel 17:35)
'Ye have erred'  (Numbers 15:22)
'Neither say it was an error'   (Ecclesiastes 5:6)
'Shall we sacrifice...?'   (Exodus 8:26)
'Make a sacrifice...'   (Numbers 15:3)
'Wherefore didst thou steal...?'   (Genesis 31:27)
'Everyone that stealeth shall be cut off...'   (Zechariah 5:3)

Self-Control

Want some fun interaction with with your mouse. Go to

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/

There are options or reactions depending on your mouse movement.

Kevin

Wedding Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Dustin & Quinn Rayner.

It was their second anniversary, and the husband sent his wife flowers at the office.  He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.  She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card.  It read "Happy Anniversary.  You're Number 2."

*******

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.  "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested.  "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.  "Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for the terrible mistake that happened fifty years ago..."

*******

A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife for their anniversary.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

*******

I hope that you will all forgive me for sending out a message today that is more personal than usual.  I know that many of you are going through (or have gone through) a divorce, and my heart breaks for you. There are many others of you who are single -- some content with the blessing of singleness, and others crushed with feelings of loneliness.

But, this day, this day is wedding anniversary for Dustin & Quinn Rayner. Two truly special people. Thank God for them and the love they share.

"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth." (Prov. 5:18)

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband...." (Prov. 12:4)

Tim's Animal Noises

Two dogs dining in busy restaurant

My Mother Taught Me...

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet." 

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And...

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"