A smile from God!One in a million shotSend God's smile to someone
Monday, November 26, 2012
Awesome
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Incredible ... You Won't Believe This..............
Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down ...........................
It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Ushers
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Microphone
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
3 Hims
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Prayer
Memo: New Prayer Policy
To: All His Children
When God created Adam and Eve, it was quite easy for Him to stay in close communication with his children. However, in light of this last century’s population explosion, Heaven has found it necessary to employ a new communication system. From this point forward, when you pray to Heaven, please be prepared to go through the follow phone tree...
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
If all lines are busy, you will hear:
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
The Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his or her social security # followed by the pound sign. If you can not find your party, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, etc., please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and try your call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
======= Ponderings of the day =======
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
When sign makers go on strike, what do they write on their signs?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
======= ======= ======= =======
Give away God’s word with a mouse click. Please visit “The Bible Site” at:
http://www.thebiblesite.org/
To: All His Children
When God created Adam and Eve, it was quite easy for Him to stay in close communication with his children. However, in light of this last century’s population explosion, Heaven has found it necessary to employ a new communication system. From this point forward, when you pray to Heaven, please be prepared to go through the follow phone tree...
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
If all lines are busy, you will hear:
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
The Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his or her social security # followed by the pound sign. If you can not find your party, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, etc., please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and try your call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
======= Ponderings of the day =======
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
When sign makers go on strike, what do they write on their signs?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
======= ======= ======= =======
Give away God’s word with a mouse click. Please visit “The Bible Site” at:
http://www.thebiblesite.org/
TOP TEN THANKSGIVING-THEMED MOVIES
10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
7. "Casserolablanca"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING-THEMED MOVIE?
1. "The Wing and I"
HOW TO OBSERVE THANKSGIVING
- Count your blessings instead of your crosses.
- Count your gains instead of your losses.
- Count your joys instead of your woes.
- Count your friends instead of your foes.
- Count your smiles instead of your tears.
- Count your courage instead of your fears.
- Count your full years instead of your lean.
- Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
- Count your health instead of your wealth.
- Count on God instead of yourself.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Church Ladies
More Church Ladies With typewriters . . .
They're
Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Praise be for church ladies
with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
----------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. --------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. --------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. --------------------------
The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. --------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance. --------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. --------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. --------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. --------------------------
The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. --------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance. --------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Jesus' Granny
The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School.
He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny.
"How did you reach that conclusion?", his mother asked.
"Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.
HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. See also "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack becomes after losing the lottery week after week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: See supermodel
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Zombie: What you feel like before that first cup of morning coffee.
Halloween Puns
Q. Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A. To get a BOOster shot.
Q. What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A. A poultrygeist.
Q. Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A. To boo the umpire.
Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello, hello, hello.
Q. What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A. A booloney sandwich.
Q. What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A. Whipped Scream
Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
A. In noisery school.
Q. What kind of street does a ghost live on?
A. A dead end.
Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.
Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. "Fasten your sheet belt."
Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He is mist
Q. Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
A. At the ghastly station
Christians are like Pumpkins.....
Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for the entire world to see.
Twelve Nights of Halloween
On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... A vulture in a dead tree!
On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR- TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave to me ... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree!
Cough Syrup
A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night. Suddenly, from behind him he heard: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he could see an upright casket. It was banging its way down the middle of the street toward him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Terrified, the man began to run home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
He ran up to his door; fumbled with his keys; opened the door and rushed in. He slammed and locked the door behind him. However, the casket crashed through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
The terrified man ran up the stairs to the bathroom and locked himself in. His heart was pounding; his head was reeling; his breath was coming in huge gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the bathroom door, bumping and clapping toward him: Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
The man screamed and reached for something, anything! His hand closed around a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket and ... the coffin stopped.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Halloween PUNishment
How can you slay a vampire?
Put a bunch of reindeer in front of him. (Scot Nelson)
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being charged with what?
In-cider trading (Paul Croft)
JEST FOR KIDS
Where does Dracula water ski?
In Lake Erie, off course. (Norman Gilbert)
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat. (C C Jokes)
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon?
A Were-doe (Stan Kegel)
What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt . (Ernie)
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day scare centers. (Clynch Varnadore)
What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed (Lederer & Swanson).
Why did the spider buy a car?
He wanted to take it for a spin (Daily Groaner)
Why did the chicken sit on the ax?
To try and hatchet. (Daily Groaner)
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays. (Christopher, 11)
What do Unicorns call their father?
"Pop" corn. (William Brabant)
What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away (Stan Kegel)
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist. (Trinitty)
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi. (Norman Gilbert)
What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
A horrible par a dox (Gary Hallock)
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (C C Jokes)
I think our school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit. (Gina)
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk. (Daily Groaner)
What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist. (Daily Groaner)
What is the study of shopping called?
Buy-ology (Rachel, 8)
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with... (Jackie Holle)
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones (Bill Stubbins)
When he was a teenager, why didn't the invisible man hang out with his friends?
Too much disappear pressure (Gary Hallock)
What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A Skele-tan. (Daily Groaner)
What game did the ghost play with the kid?
Peek-a boo (Ann, 8)
The first haunted house open to the public had 20 scream doors. (Daryl Stout)
What's the best way to talk to a Martian?
Long distance! (Andrea)
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
(Jokes4U)
Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn’t in it. (Christine, 10)
Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to arrive?
Because they only run a skeleton service. (Cassie, 9)
People who play the stock market get happy on halloween. Why?
Its ticker treat night!
(Louise & Mike Gourdoux)
What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
A Scare-ousel (Stan Kegel)
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat. (C C Jokes)
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body. (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?
Hello, Hello, Hello (Daily Groaner)
The mummy asked his maker, 'How do I exist?'
The answer: Just be gauze (Gary Hallock)
Who delivers spooks' mail?
The U.S. Ghostal Service (Cynthia MacGregor)
Who was the most famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans (Trinitty)
What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory (Jeff P. Symonds)
Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!
(Tom & Carrol)
How do ghosts get through locked doors?
They use skeleton keys (Marsha Coleman)
Why don't mummies go on vacations?
Because they might relax and unwind!! (The Daily Joke)
What is a hot and noisy duck?
A firequacker. (Alan, 8)
Why was the elephant fired from the circus?
Because he kept throwing his weight around (Lederer & Entner)
What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
Skin diving (LAB Riddles)
Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong to a pack.
(Stan Kegel)
What do you call a exam given to a criminal?
A con-test (Susie Mundy)
Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
It sounded too fishy. (Archives)
Why did the police dog like to stay home in bed?
Because he was an undercover agent (Lederer & Entner)
What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?
One bites the hand that feeds it; the other feeds the hand that bites it. (Jeff Rovin)
What can jump higher than a house?
Anything. Houses can’t jump
(Daily Groaner)
What do baby sweet potatoes sleep in?
Their yammies. (Daily Groaner)
Why couldn’t they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?
Because the home team lost the opener. (Tei, 8)
What kind of birds are most frequently found in captivity?
Jailbirds (LOL Riddles)
Halloween Cartoons
Follow this link to some Halloween Cartoons
Halloween cartoons (3 have downloadable, high-res versions):
http://www.reverendfun.com/artchives/results.php?request=halloween
Halloween cartoons (3 have downloadable, high-res versions):
http://www.reverendfun.com/artchives/results.php?request=halloween
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Old and Rich
Old and Rich
One time an old rich woman was pulling her large, expensive car into the last parking space, when suddenly a young man, dressed in black leather and riding a custom-built, one-of-a-kind motorcycle, beat the old lady to the spot. As he ran into a nearby store, he looked back and said, "Sorry, old lady, I'm young and quick!"
The old lady promptly ran over the motorcycle and completely destroyed it. The young man roared out of the store screaming at the old lady! "Why did you destroy my beautiful motorcycle?"
The old lady replied, "You may be young and quick, but I'm old and rich!"
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Tale of the Two Brooms
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