Bran flakes

BRAN FLAKES!! Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play For free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the Lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.

Language

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere was a bit confused, but then smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Yes, of course," the portiere answered, "but over here we call them lifts."

"Now you listen," the American said, rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator!"

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming

Aging Rockers - Tim Hawkins

Marriage Gone Bad

A man was speeding in his brand new Porsche. He was driving over 110 MPH. He see's a cop car catching up to him with the lights and siren going. He decides to try and out run him. He steps on the gas and speeds away only to run into some road construction where he is forced to stop.  The officer gets out if his car and approaches the man in the Porsche.
"Sir, I'm at the end of my shift. If you can give me a reason for trying to outrun me that I haven't already heard, I'll let you go."
The man thinks for a moment.
"My wife left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer went back to his car and drove off.

Bill Cosby, understanding Southern.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

A Free Super Bowl Ticket

A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

NAME THE STATES

An old preacher made it a practice to visit the congregation's Christian school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

I COME QUICKLY

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address the congregation for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the stage. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in preaching school they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the podium to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

GET A HAIRCUT

The preacher's son asked his father, "Dad, can I have a car?"

The preacher replied, "I will get you a car IF you get a haircut."

Then his son said, "Dad, Jesus had long hair."

"Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

EGGS AND BAD SERMONS

On the day a preacher got married his wife told him to never look under the bed. Ten years later, while his wife was at the store, he became overwhelmed with his curiosity and had to look under the bed. He found a half dozen eggs and $5,000 in cash. When she got home he asked her about it. 

"The eggs represent your bad sermons," said the preacher's wife. 

"That's not bad for ten years of sermons," the preacher said proudly. 

To which the wife replied, "But every time I got a dozen I sold them."

CAR ACCIDENT

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

AIRBORNE

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and an old preacher were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The old preacher looked at the little boy and said, "Son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the old preacher and said "Not to worry. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack."

Had me looking into myself

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength' Mark 12: 29-30     Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping? Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie? Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying but.. you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend? Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel? Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games but they do everything possible to sit in the last row at Church?    Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks in advance so we can include it in our agenda, but we can make adjustments for other events at a moment's notice?    Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God and share it with others; but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?   Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say but.... we question the words in the Bible?   Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven but... they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?   Isn't it strange how we send jokes in e-mails and they are forwarded right away but when we have messages to send about God, we think about it twice before we share it with others?   IT'S  STRANGE ISN'T IT?

NEW 2012 Jeanne Robertson "Don't go to Vegas without a Baptist"

Dress for Wedding

Wedding Dress


Her wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, the bride was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

The bride asked her father's wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!" she replied.

The bride told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, the bride asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mom just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

God is Missing

Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it.

Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the preacher of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.

The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he stood across from the preacher's desk, the preacher regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent. The preacher raised his voice. "Young man, I said, where is God?"

Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously. The preacher leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is God?"

In terror the boy leaped from the room,  ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid behind his bed . The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering . "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.

"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."

Money

There was a man who had worked hard all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to money. When he became ill and knew he was dying he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." His wife gave her promise that when he died, she would put all his money into the casket with him.


A week later he died. On the day of her husband’s funeral his wife was sitting next to her best friend and just before the undertaker closed the casket she called out “Please, Wait a minute!” walked over to the casket and placed a small brass finished box inside.


The undertaker then locked the casket down and rolled it away. The next day her friend came around to visit and said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all of his money in the casket." “I promised.” The widow replied “I'm a good Christian and I couldn't lie I promised him I would put all of his money into the casket with him, so I did.”

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in that casket with him?" "Yes” said his wife . "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check, I thought if he can cash it he can spend it”

January - Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3:
She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:
She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15:
She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister
 (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:
She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"
-- but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30:
She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"
-- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:
She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:
She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60:
She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore.
-- Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a hat and goes out to enjoy the life God gave her.

Whatever the age you are one beautiful woman!
Celebrate YOU!

ATHEIST HOLY DAY

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist brought a suit against the upcoming Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination suit against Christians & Jews, and the observance of their holy days. The argument was: "it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s)".

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed".

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter & others. The Jews have Passover, Hanukkah & others. Yet my client & all other atheists have no such holidays".

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "but you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant".
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists".

The judge said; "Psalm 14:1 states, The fool says in his heart, there is no GOD". "The calendar designates April 1st as April Fools Day". Thus, it is the opinion of this court, "if your client says there is no God, he is a fool". "Therefore, April 1st is his day".

Court is adjourned!

Flu Time Is Here

Flu  Time  Coming Choose your partners, one and all, Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol! Now fling those covers with all you've got, One minute cold, the next minute hot, Circle right to the side of the bed, Grab the tissues and Sudafed. Back to the middle and don't goof off; Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough. Forget about slippers, dash down the hall, Toss your cookies in the shower stall. Remember others on the brink; Wash your hands; wash the sink. Wipe the doorknob, light switch too, By George, you've got  it, you're doing the Flu! Some like it cold, some like it hot; If you like neither, get the shot.

AGING GRACEFULLY BUMPER STICKERS

What a Dog does when its cold

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.

They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at what Satan throws.

The bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace.

Bob said, "He sure doesn't look like much!" Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen.

But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run! The Lord's team won.

The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get you home. My Grace is the one thing Satan cannot steal.

Relax

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Cool Photographs..

Some of these are really funny!

Next time you have extra time -- try stacking your coins

Cool Mailboxes

I hope that backpack is a parachute

"Ahhh, it's so warm and cuddly on here"

Sorry bro, but thanks for being my chair

Looks like he wanted to be alone

Bye Bye, Freeway! Mother Nature had another idea...

Help! Call 911

It's good to have a friend when you need one!

I guess cats can read after all

This is not as comfy as I thought it would be

Static cat!

The water is so clear the boat seems to be floating on air

I'm sorry... I didn't know you were coming back 

You may not be happy with dinner -- but you are going to eat it anyway! 

May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.