Monday, October 10, 2011
Idle Thoughts of A Retiree's Wandering Mind
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
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I had amnesia once---or twice
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off
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Is it me...or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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A college education doesn't make you any smarter, it just gives you a bigger vocabulary to express your inadequacies.
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I had amnesia once---or twice
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
********************
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off
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Is it me...or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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A college education doesn't make you any smarter, it just gives you a bigger vocabulary to express your inadequacies.
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Sunday, October 09, 2011
The economy is so bad........................
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.A picture is now only worth 200 words.They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline and I got a call center in Pakistan.When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
SHIRLEY AND MARCY
Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
He didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?
Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy .'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness ) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always!
I know you smiled!
I sure did......Pass the link to this below and brighten someone's day!
Walking the Dog
WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember...
...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember...
...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED
Kids in Church
This should put a little smile on your heart today.
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The banana test
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Thursday, October 06, 2011
Browsing Old Cemeteries
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no Place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And The Lord sent them manna.
============================
Clark Wallace Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him For not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went Out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no Place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And The Lord sent them manna.
============================
Clark Wallace Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him For not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went Out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Computers
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Tim, the computer guy, to come over to my office. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that … in case I need to fix it again??" Tim grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" No, I replied. Write it down, he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."(I wrote…) I D 1 0 T
What Would Jesus Do
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Church Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Bench-warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything at all but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be put in the collection plate.
Two-Minute Warning - The point at which you realize the service is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - When the preacher loses his notes and falls back to using last week's sermon.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to lead the next prayer and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quickly, without speaking to any guest or fellow members.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Bench-warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything at all but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be put in the collection plate.
Two-Minute Warning - The point at which you realize the service is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - When the preacher loses his notes and falls back to using last week's sermon.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to lead the next prayer and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quickly, without speaking to any guest or fellow members.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Lawn Mowing
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Friday, September 02, 2011
God Is Like...
Fifth Grade Assignment
Wouldn't this be great if it was taught in every school.A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways To communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He Works Miracles.
God is like.
A FORD
He's Got A Better Idea..
God is like.
COKE
He's The Real Thing.
God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He Cares Enough To Send His Very Best.
God is like.
TIDE
He Gets The Stains Out Others Leave Behind.
God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He Brings Good Things To Life.
God is like.
WAL-MART
He Has Everything.
God is like..
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, You'll Like Him
God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You Can't See Him, But You Know He's There.
God is like.
DELTA
He's Ready When You Are.
God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're In Good Hands With Him.
God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
Wouldn't this be great if it was taught in every school.A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways To communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He Works Miracles.
God is like.
A FORD
He's Got A Better Idea..
God is like.
COKE
He's The Real Thing.
God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He Cares Enough To Send His Very Best.
God is like.
TIDE
He Gets The Stains Out Others Leave Behind.
God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He Brings Good Things To Life.
God is like.
WAL-MART
He Has Everything.
God is like..
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, You'll Like Him
God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You Can't See Him, But You Know He's There.
God is like.
DELTA
He's Ready When You Are.
God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're In Good Hands With Him.
God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He Holds Through All Kinds Of Weather
God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't You Glad You Have Him? Don't You Wish Everybody Did?
God is like.
The U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Sleet Nor Ice Will Keep Him From
His Appointed Destination.
God is like.
Chevrolet. . .
God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't You Glad You Have Him? Don't You Wish Everybody Did?
God is like.
The U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Sleet Nor Ice Will Keep Him From
His Appointed Destination.
God is like.
Chevrolet. . .
The Heartbeat Of America
God is like
Maxwell House. .... .
Good To The Very Last Drop
God is like.
B o u n t y . . .
He Is The Quicker Picker Upper. .. Can Handle The Tough Jobs. ..
And He Won't Fall Apart On You
God is like
Maxwell House. .... .
Good To The Very Last Drop
God is like.
B o u n t y . . .
He Is The Quicker Picker Upper. .. Can Handle The Tough Jobs. ..
And He Won't Fall Apart On You
God is like.
The Energizer Bunny
The Energizer Bunny
He Keeps Going, Going, and Going
Bad Communication
The new preacher was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them rise, preacher Mike, not remembering the names of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."
Long Sermon
The preacher stood up for his sermon and the congregation couldn't help but notice several bandages on his face.
"Excuse me," says the preacher, "but this morning I was so deep in thought about my sermon that I cut myself shaving."
When the service had ended and the preacher was saying goodbye to everyone as they filed out the door, one old curmudgeon shakes the preacher's hand and says, "Next time think about shaving and cut the sermon."
Sermon Take Off
A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife. She asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."
His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Words in a Day by Men & Women
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"
Get Out of Bed and Go To Church
A story is told of a married couple one Sunday morning. The alarm goes off to get ready for church, but only the wife gets out of bed and begins to get ready. After she comes into the bedroom from washing up and dressing, she sees her husband still lying in the covers, trying to go back to sleep. Worried that they’ll be late, she shakes him and says, “Honey. Wake up. We’re going to church, remember?”
He rolls over and with sleepy eyes and says, “Aw, I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to sleep in instead.”
Disgusted, she tries again: “Honey, we have got to go to church. Now get out of bed and get dressed. There’s no sleeping in.” Again, her husband shows no signs of getting out of bed.
He says, “No, sweetie, I just don’t feel like going to church today. I don’t like the service, the sermons are boring, and, what’s more, I don’t like the people. I can’t stand being around those people.”
His wife looks at him and says with much determination, “Now get out of bed! You are the preacher and that whole congregation is expecting you to be there this morning!! And I don’t want to hear any more of it!”
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Ain't It The Truth
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Are any cars named after actual people? . . .
Are any cars named after actual people? . . .
Alfa-Romeo Nicola Romeo, while the "Alfa" stood for Anonima Lombarda Fabbrica Automobili, or Lombardy Automobile Works Company
Aston-Martin - Lionel Martin, who won races on Aston Clinton hill, near Aylesbury, England.
Bugatti - Ettore Bugatti
Chevrolet - Louis Chevrolet
Citroen - Andre-Gustave Citroen
Daimler - Gottfried Daimler
Ferrari - Enzo Ferrari
Hillman - William Hillman
Honda - Soichiro Honda
Lancia - Vincenzo Lancia
Maserati = The Maserati brothers, Carolo, Bindo, Alfieri, Ettore, and Ernesto
Mercedes - Mercedes Jellinek, the ten-year-old daughter of Austrian financier and motor-racing enthusiast Emil Jellinek
Opel - Adam Opel
Peugeot - Armand Peugeot
Porsche - Ferdinand Porsche
Rolls-Royce - Charles Rolls and Henry Royce
Skoda - Emil Skoda
Toyota - Sakichi Toyoda. The family changed the name to Toyota since "Toyoda" needs ten characters in Japanese but "Toyota" only eight. And eight is the Japanese lucky number!
Make Money in Mexico
HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN MEXICO
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a piñata?"
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a piñata?"
Mistakes
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Warning of Terrorist Groups
WARNING BEWARE OF TERRORIST GROUPS IN OUR CHURCHES
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.
Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.
However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.
Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.
NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them IF YOU bin lookin and bin goin.)
I Resign
I Resign!
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple;
When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ .....
"Tag! You're it."
Friday, August 05, 2011
Should I Join Facebook?
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group and perhaps their kids too !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand-kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot.."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I want to share it with you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand-kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot.."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I want to share it with you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Relative of Yours?
A husband and wife drove a long way in silence following a terrible argument in which neither would budge. The husband eventually pointed to a mule in a pasture and asked: "relative of yours?" "Yes", she replied, "By marriage".
Monday, July 25, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Baseball
BASEBALL IN THE BIBLE
'In the Big Inning' (Genesis 1:1)
'Thou shalt make a plate...' (Exodus 28:36)
'Who catcheth ...' (Lev. 17:13)
'Samson went and caught...' (Judges: 15:14)
'Joshua did pitch...' (Joshua 4:20)
'Who hath first...' (Romans 11:35)
'The field I give thee...' (Genesis 23:11)
'...they were in the field.' (Genesis 4:8)
'It will be foul...' (Matthew 21:30)
'Thou art fair...' (Songs of Solomon 1:15)
'He came to second... (Matthew 21:30)
'Likewise...and the third' (Matthew 22:36)
'Haman came Home' (Ester 5:10)
'is safe'.....(Proverbs 18:10)
'Pitch it within and without...' (Genesis 6:14)
'I caught him' (I Samuel 17:35)
'Ye have erred' (Numbers 15:22)
'Neither say it was an error' (Ecclesiastes 5:6)
'Shall we sacrifice...?' (Exodus 8:26)
'Make a sacrifice...' (Numbers 15:3)
'Wherefore didst thou steal...?' (Genesis 31:27)
'Everyone that stealeth shall be cut off...' (Zechariah 5:3)
'In the Big Inning' (Genesis 1:1)
'Thou shalt make a plate...' (Exodus 28:36)
'Who catcheth ...' (Lev. 17:13)
'Samson went and caught...' (Judges: 15:14)
'Joshua did pitch...' (Joshua 4:20)
'Who hath first...' (Romans 11:35)
'The field I give thee...' (Genesis 23:11)
'...they were in the field.' (Genesis 4:8)
'It will be foul...' (Matthew 21:30)
'Thou art fair...' (Songs of Solomon 1:15)
'He came to second... (Matthew 21:30)
'Likewise...and the third' (Matthew 22:36)
'Haman came Home' (Ester 5:10)
'is safe'.....(Proverbs 18:10)
'Pitch it within and without...' (Genesis 6:14)
'I caught him' (I Samuel 17:35)
'Ye have erred' (Numbers 15:22)
'Neither say it was an error' (Ecclesiastes 5:6)
'Shall we sacrifice...?' (Exodus 8:26)
'Make a sacrifice...' (Numbers 15:3)
'Wherefore didst thou steal...?' (Genesis 31:27)
'Everyone that stealeth shall be cut off...' (Zechariah 5:3)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Self-Control
Want some fun interaction with with your mouse. Go to
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/
There are options or reactions depending on your mouse movement.
Kevin
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/
There are options or reactions depending on your mouse movement.
Kevin
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Wedding Anniversary
Happy Anniversary to Dustin & Quinn Rayner.
It was their second anniversary, and the husband sent his wife flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
*******
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for the terrible mistake that happened fifty years ago..."
*******
A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife for their anniversary.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
*******
I hope that you will all forgive me for sending out a message today that is more personal than usual. I know that many of you are going through (or have gone through) a divorce, and my heart breaks for you. There are many others of you who are single -- some content with the blessing of singleness, and others crushed with feelings of loneliness.
But, this day, this day is wedding anniversary for Dustin & Quinn Rayner. Two truly special people. Thank God for them and the love they share.
"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth." (Prov. 5:18)
"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband...." (Prov. 12:4)
It was their second anniversary, and the husband sent his wife flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
*******
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for the terrible mistake that happened fifty years ago..."
*******
A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife for their anniversary.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
*******
I hope that you will all forgive me for sending out a message today that is more personal than usual. I know that many of you are going through (or have gone through) a divorce, and my heart breaks for you. There are many others of you who are single -- some content with the blessing of singleness, and others crushed with feelings of loneliness.
But, this day, this day is wedding anniversary for Dustin & Quinn Rayner. Two truly special people. Thank God for them and the love they share.
"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth." (Prov. 5:18)
"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband...." (Prov. 12:4)
Saturday, June 04, 2011
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