Happy Anniversary to Dustin & Quinn Rayner.
It was their second anniversary, and the husband sent his wife flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
*******
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for the terrible mistake that happened fifty years ago..."
*******
A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife for their anniversary.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
*******
I hope that you will all forgive me for sending out a message today that is more personal than usual. I know that many of you are going through (or have gone through) a divorce, and my heart breaks for you. There are many others of you who are single -- some content with the blessing of singleness, and others crushed with feelings of loneliness.
But, this day, this day is wedding anniversary for Dustin & Quinn Rayner. Two truly special people. Thank God for them and the love they share.
"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth." (Prov. 5:18)
"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband...." (Prov. 12:4)
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 07, 2011
My Mother Taught Me...
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY!:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And...
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Easter Bunny
Happy Easter
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
New Alphabet
New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and
B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
A is for apple, and
B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
Important People
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Bookmarks
I will continue to add bookmarks or favorites to this blog post as I discover relevant ones. If you have any suggestions, feel free to send those to me and I will consider there relavance to this blog. If I feel they are as valuable as you, I will add them. Thanks!
Links, Bookmarks, etc. below
off-the-church-walls.podOmatic.comMonday, April 18, 2011
Church Gossip
Mildred, the Church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the Church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's House... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's House... and left it there all night.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Brothers
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line...)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line...)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Saturday, April 02, 2011
The Top 10 Signs Your Sermon Isn’t Going Well
10. Your associate preacher is warming up in the bullpen.
9. The congregation is filling in the blanks of your outline before you get there.
8. You think the lyrics to a bluegrass song are really connecting with your audience.
7. When you pause for dramatic effect, several people giggle.
6. Your cell phone starts ringing, and you answer it.
5. The person signing for the deaf just pulled on mittens.
4. Your interpreter just rolled his eyes and put your last statement in quotation marks.
3. Desperate mothers are pinching their babies.
2. The ushers are handing out refunds.
1. You began your sermon with “Top 10 signs your sermon isn’t going well.”
9. The congregation is filling in the blanks of your outline before you get there.
8. You think the lyrics to a bluegrass song are really connecting with your audience.
7. When you pause for dramatic effect, several people giggle.
6. Your cell phone starts ringing, and you answer it.
5. The person signing for the deaf just pulled on mittens.
4. Your interpreter just rolled his eyes and put your last statement in quotation marks.
3. Desperate mothers are pinching their babies.
2. The ushers are handing out refunds.
1. You began your sermon with “Top 10 signs your sermon isn’t going well.”
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Exercise
Before resolving to jog five miles a day
Visit a cardiologist...
to have your heart examined
A podiatrist....
to have your feet examined
And a psychiatrist...
to have your head examined!
Visit a cardiologist...
to have your heart examined
A podiatrist....
to have your feet examined
And a psychiatrist...
to have your head examined!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day Dream
Valentine's Day Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
"You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
"You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Miscellaneous Humor
HOLY HUMOR!
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "preacher," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "preacher," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Forgetter Be Forgotten
Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Marriage
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Monday, January 03, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Missed Calls
Not necessarily a church humor, but thought provoking anyway.
After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think it's mine?" the referee asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think it's mine?" the referee asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Friday, December 24, 2010
Jesus Saves
Humor Train.. hits backups!!
Religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great
contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce
competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and
Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
Religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great
contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce
competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and
Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Cabin
A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of north Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' he asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother here?
'No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'
'Anybody home?' he asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother here?
'No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'
Monday, September 13, 2010
Confusion
An elderly citizen called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Application: Sometimes people approach scripture like this. They don't look at the words in their proper context.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Application: Sometimes people approach scripture like this. They don't look at the words in their proper context.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy- efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Dentist
The Buddhist went to the dentist and refused
Novocain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Novocain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Money - Giving
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."
Gordon MacDonald shares how your generosity effects your spirit.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."
Gordon MacDonald shares how your generosity effects your spirit.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
MINISTRY CANDIDATES
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position....
ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former preaching ministry of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher but our preacher home would never hold all those wives.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
HOSEA: A tender and loving preacher but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels. Has trouble with his language.
JONAH: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
MELCHIZEDEK: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
JAMES & JOHN: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
TIMOTHY: Too young!
METHUSELAH: Too old . . . WAY too old!
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once his congregation grew he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled a far bit. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A farmers Love Letter:
My sweet potato, do you carrot all for me? You are the apple of my eye, with your raddish hair and turnip nose. My love for you is as strong as onions. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry, and we will be a happy pear. (Reminisce Magazine)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Compliment
A man walks into a airport snackshop and the place is deserted, so he stands there waiting to be served. After a moment he hears a voice...
"Those are very nice trousers you're wearing, sir."
But when he looks round he can't see where the voice came from. After another short while he hears the voice again,
"And the shirt really makes you look quite handsome."
Before the man can figure out who is saying all this, the server appears behind the counter, carrying a box from the back room.
"Was that you talking about my clothes just then?" the man asked.
"No sir, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary..."
"Those are very nice trousers you're wearing, sir."
But when he looks round he can't see where the voice came from. After another short while he hears the voice again,
"And the shirt really makes you look quite handsome."
Before the man can figure out who is saying all this, the server appears behind the counter, carrying a box from the back room.
"Was that you talking about my clothes just then?" the man asked.
"No sir, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary..."
Saturday, July 03, 2010
A WORD...UNTIMELY SPOKEN
A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.
After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.
"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"
The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.
Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.
"Karate, my foot!" the husband yelled.
He is still in the hospital.
After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.
"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"
The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.
Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.
"Karate, my foot!" the husband yelled.
He is still in the hospital.
Knowing When to Be Silent
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Cell phones, don't you just love them!
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Cell phones, don't you just love them!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
A Shorty!
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Short Ones
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Moped
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Why?
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Internal Revenue Service Theme Song
Internal Revenue Service Theme Song
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
I'm thankful that churches are non-profit organizations in America.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
I'm thankful that churches are non-profit organizations in America.
Laughter
On average, children laugh 400 times per day
Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day.
The difference why adults laugh so much less...
because adults have children!"
At the Highland Church of Christ, we love children and they bring us laughter.
Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day.
The difference why adults laugh so much less...
because adults have children!"
At the Highland Church of Christ, we love children and they bring us laughter.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Math
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 M.P.H. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 M.P.H. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Pride at an old age.
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
FORREST GUMP
FORREST GUMP
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for Everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking Forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the Test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? --
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and Goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think The questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the Letter "T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was Thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" "How Many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that And I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve Seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Aw, come on, St Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I See your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give You credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy Walks with me, Andy talks with me."
The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another Person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you Do, does not mean that it's wrong.
-- Author Unknown
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the Place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for Everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking Forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the Test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? --
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and Goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think The questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the Letter "T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was Thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" "How Many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that And I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve Seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Aw, come on, St Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I See your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give You credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forrest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy Walks with me, Andy talks with me."
The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another Person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you Do, does not mean that it's wrong.
-- Author Unknown
Friday, April 23, 2010
Will Rogers Wisdom
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. These are some words of wisdom he is reported to have offered:
* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
* 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
* 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
* 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
* 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
* 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
* 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
* 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
* 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
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Tuesday, March 16, 2010
1964 Mercury Comet Caliente
Must see. put sound on
You have to watch this 89 year old lady with the car she has owned for 43 years!! It is a 1964 Mercury Comet Caliente and Rachel (the woman) says the car has lasted longer than any one of her 3 husbands, and she has had the car up to 120!! This lady has put over 540,000 miles on this one car with the original engine! She just returned from a trip to Pennsylvania for her 70th year high school reunion, driving over 3,000 miles on that trip, alone! She shows the receipt on what she paid for it, etc....Oh! And wait until you see why she isn't afraid, either. And you can't miss what she told them at the DMV when they renewed her driver's license!! This is great! |
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
IRS - Honestly
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Listen
Listen !
Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.
He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"
"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."
Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.
He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"
"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
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