Why God Created Children

                  WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students..
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T! "


"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"


" No Way !"  

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God.


"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.


"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom

and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,

what makes you think it would be

a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1.  You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk.  Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2.  Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3.  Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4.  Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5.  The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6.  We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
 

 

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

First, watch what you say and do around children - you never know when children might be listening or watching (or maybe even spying)

 

 

Second, be nice to your kids. One
day, believe it or not, you will cherish the
fleeting moments that become memories

 

(Sean Isaacs - Age 8)

 

. . . . besides, they get to pick out
your nursing home when you are old

AND FINALLY:

 

IF YOU   HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

 

 

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"

AND

"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!

Now quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.

Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,

ten people will be laughing

Traffic Camera

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid

How to shorten some songs by Tim Hawkins

How to shorten some songs by Tim Hawkins

Go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39-oy5QKYTI

One Man Saw

One Man Saw

Seatbelt Law

This becomes effective January 1, 2010 in ALL states.


The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt..  Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.....
 
Please pass on to family and friends.THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

 



This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW....YOU SMILED.

Twas the month after Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled,
the chocolate I'd taste
and  the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber),

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

Church Cell Groups

Church Cell Groups

Live, Laugh, and Love!  And do all three well!

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches.  They have been identified as:  Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ.  The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy..

However, there have been reports of a sixth group.

A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church.  Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ.  We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others.  They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!  (However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)

AWESOME ANAGRAMS

AWESOME   ANAGRAMS

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.  Someone out there  is deadly at   Scrabble . (Wait till you see the last one)!   ****** DORMITORY:   When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ****** PRESBYTERIAN:   When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ****** ASTRONOMER:   When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER ****** DESPERATION:   When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT ****** THE EYES:  !  When you rearrange the letters:   THEY SEE ****** GEORGE BUSH : When you rearrange the letters:   HE BUGS GORE ****** THE MORSE CODE  : When you rearrange the letters:  HERE COME DOTS ****** SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:  CASH LOST IN ME ****** ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ****** ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ****** SNOOZE ALARMS:  When you rearrange the letters:   ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S ****** A DECIMAL POINT:   When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE ****** THE EARTHQUAKES:   When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ****** ELEVEN PLUS TWO:   When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE ****** AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:   MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:  WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay  too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law) Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour Of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit Every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more From January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) Than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people And is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company In the history of the World.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food Than Kroger & Safeway combined, And keep in mind they did this In only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food Than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores In the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11. This year, 7.2 billion different Purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live Within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart

13 Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street

Jeff Foxworthy on Oklahoma

This is just as true if you've ever lived in Oklahoma no matter where you live now! This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Oklahoma (which is now celebrating its centennial ).

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Oklahoma ..

If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Oklahoma .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Oklahoma .

If you see a tornado warning on the television but don't get too awfully excited about it until you actually SEE it coming toward you, you may live in Oklahoma .

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Okie friends & others, you definitely live in Oklahoma. We're friendly folks!

Rules of Oklahoma

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, & I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah . . . We don't care what folks in Cincinnati call that stuff they eat . . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in the West . . . and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she'd better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and high school football & basketball is important here and fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Oklahoma State University and the University of Oklahoma . They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so 'Don't Mess with Oklahoma .' If you do, you will get whipped by the best. Oklahoma is the greatest state ever!!

THE BASIC RULES

THE BASIC RULES


        1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes. Walk thE length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.


        2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang whites with whites and hang them first.


        3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail. What would the neighbors think?


        4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!


        5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your unmentionables' in the middle.


        6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.....clothes would 'freeze dry.'


        7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.


        8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.


        9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.


        10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.








        A POEM


        A clothes line was a news forecast
        To neighbors passing by.
        There were no secrets you could keep
        When clothes were hung to dry.

        It also was a friendly link
        For neighbors always knew
        If company had stopped on by
        To spend a night or two.


        For then you'd see the 'fancy sheets'
        And towels upon the line;
        You'd see the 'company table cloths'
        With intricate design.


        The line announced a baby's birth
        To folks who lived inside
        As brand new infant clothes were hung
        So carefully with pride.


        The ages of the children could
        So readily be known
        By watching how the sizes changed
        You'd know how much they'd grown.


        It also told when illness struck,
        As extra sheets were hung;
        Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
        Haphazardly were strung.


        It said, 'Gone on vacation now'
        When lines hung limp and bare.
        It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged
        With not an inch to spare.


        New folks in town were scorned upon
        If wash was dingy gray,
        As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
        And looked the other way..


        But clotheslines now are of the past
        For dryers make work less.
        Now what goes on inside a home
        Is anybody's guess.


        I really miss that way of life.
        It was a friendly sign
        When neighbors knew each other best
        By what hung on the line!

Your House

Your House As Seen By:

Yourself…

Your Buyer…

Your Lender…

Your Appraiser…

Your County Tax Assessor…

If you know who originated this, email me and I will them credit.

Pick Me

Pick Me

Baby Chair & Teething Ring

7 year old sings National Anthem

7 year old sings National Anthem

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

O x y m o r o n s

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Drive Safely

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT - - -

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.

This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess."

Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.

Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct."

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy-one. Would you sit back in your car, please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with very ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand.

Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack,

Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait  until heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me.

And be careful. My son is all I have left.

Bob"

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road.

Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he, too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious.

Handle with care.

I think I know what happened to Tiger

I think I know what happened to Tiger

Clip Art for Teaching

Do you need clip art for teaching and preaching.

Go to

http://www.faithclipart.com/

Laugher Really Is the Best Medicine

Laugher Really Is the Best Medicine

It's a well-known saying that may actually be true, according to a number of studies. Evidence suggests laughter is a true health promoter, helping reduce stress, boost your heart rate, increase circulation, and even burn calories.

For example, laughter helps combat stress, which is well-known to decrease immune-system response. Less stress means a better immune system, making your body less prone to infection and disease. Reducing stress levels also makes it easier to fall asleep. Poor and/or inadequate sleep can contribute to a whole host of negative health consequences.

But how could laughter possibly burn calories? It's actually a simple concept, if you think about it: When you laugh, your body moves in various ways; muscles throughout the body stretch and, depending on the strength of the laugh, your abdomen and other areas of the body may even contract repeatedly. That's a workout and a laugh all in one!

It all boils down to finding ways to relax, reduce your stress levels, and enjoy life – a great recipe for a healthy, happy life for you and your whole family.

Share some laughter with others -- tell them about "Off the church walls."

The Trainrider is real

These YouTube videos should not be attempted at home. A German man known only as The Trainrider has been a YouTube hit. After being diagnosed with leukemia, he pursued his dreams. The last year of his life was spent as a daredevil.

He surfed on the outside of Germany’s fastest commuter train. Armed with a vacuum cup and harness, he climbed aboard the ICE train. And he took the ride of a lifetime at more than 200 mph!

More than four million have seen his inspirational story. That would be touching if it were true. The Trainrider is real. But he’s not a dying man pursuing his dreams. The wildly popular YouTube video was a fake. And one news organization got the story behind it all.

You’ll see both videos here. The lesson? Don’t believe everything you see on YouTube.

Audio Humor

Tape Measure Skills

Got to love a skilled dude who can use a tape measure.



Kevin

Santa Float

Ads That Miscommunicate

CLASSIFIED ADS THAT DIDN'T QUITE WORK

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Pull Together

Pulling Together

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Bulletin Bloopers

Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: -------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Cajon Logic

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

"Da End is Near.
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Day Light Saving Time

"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

Visa or Mastercard?

Visa or Mastercard?

Our friends were ready to go to Italy as missionaries, but were waiting for their visas. As the waiting period grew longer and longer, they enlisted the prayers of their Christian friends. Our ten-year-old neighbor boy offered what he innocently thought was a logical alternative. "Why don't they try MasterCard?" he asked.



Placed by the Hiltons?

One day in junior church, I taught about Gideon. The following Sunday, for the sake of review, I asked who remembered last week's Bible hero. No hands went up. "Okay," I said. "I'll give you a clue: he fought a battle using only lamps, pitchers, and trumpets." Still no response. "Maybe you remember how he used a fleece to learn God's will," I said. Ten little blank faces stared at me. "One final clue," I pleaded. "There are people today with the same name as our hero, who go around hotels putting Bibles in the rooms." Finally an eager 8-year-old boy shot up his hand and said, "Oh! Oh! It was Hilton!"

A Cowboy Named Bud

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

Solution to the Economy

Just Imagine

A sure-fire way to fix America’s financial dilemma - the irresponsible spending in Washington D.C.

If Washington’s high-rollers would take a lesson from God’s word on fiscal responsibility and apply basic Christian teaching to the national debt we could be debt free instead of heading for a bankrupt nation!

Consider the following letter:
Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations.

1. They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - unemployment fixed!
2. They MUST buy a new American Car. Forty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed!
3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed! It can’t get any easier than that!

Sitter

I like the explanation one little boy gave as to why Mary and Joseph took the baby Jesus to Egypt. "They couldn't get a sitter," he concluded.

Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Hushers

HUSHERS

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Kevin Rayner
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Listen!

Listen!

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.

He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."

After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

Kevin
http://hcoct.org/minister.html

Whatever God Wants He Can Take

Money

My Uncle Wayne told me this one.

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants He can take."

College Student and Money

A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

The Preacher And The Song Leader

The Preacher and The Minister of Music

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.

One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service.

The song leader then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord.

The song leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.

The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning.

The song leader then led the song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.

As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week. He informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away.

The song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

THE LAST SIX MONTHS

THE LAST SIX MONTHS

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical checkup. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

(Boy am I glad & proud to have a great second set of parents in my wife's parents. They are the best!) -- Kevin

Welcome To Texas

WELCOME TO TEXAS!

For those of you who have been in Texas in the summer for any length of time, you will be able to appreciate and relate to these.

For those of you who have NOT been in Texas in the summer, realize how lucky you are!!!

It's so HOT in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

It's so HOT in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

It's so HOT that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

It's so DRY in Texas, the cows are giving evaporated milk.

It's so DRY in Texas, the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

Love Your Wife

HOLDING WIVES IN HIGH REGARD

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some snacks. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the snacks and walked back.

Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."

Summed Up In One Word

SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message: COMFORTABLE." (Got it? No? Read it again, s-l-o-w-l-y.)

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When...

1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.."

2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.

3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.

4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."

5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta.

6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"

7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.

8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.

9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.

10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.

11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.

12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.

13. People begin referring to you as "our former preacher."

Gogh

Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?

Amee Gogh-- His Mexican cousin.

Bing Gogh-- His game playing great-uncle

Bong Gogh-- His drum playing brother

Can't Gogh-- the uncle who was constipated.

Chica Gogh-- The cousin from Illinois.

Day Gogh-- His Italian uncle.

E. Gogh-- his nephew the Freudian psycho-analyst.

Er Gogh-- His logical thinking cousin

Fay Gogh-- His cousin, the soda lover from Michigan

Flamin Gogh-- his ornithologist uncle.

Geta Pan Gogh-- His ambitious uncle

Go Gogh-- his Disco-loving sister.

Gotta Gogh-- The brother who ate prunes.

Grin Gogh-- The Mexican cousin's American half brother.

Hue Gogh-- The brother who bleached his clothes white.

Indi Gogh-- His famous dye maker aunt

Let Gogh and Lemmie Gogh-- His ornery second cousins

Mang Gogh-- his cousin who loved tropical fruits.

Out Gogh-- His spendthrift aunt

Please Gogh-- the real obnoxious brother.

Poe Gogh-- The little bouncy nephew.

Pray Gogh-- his Italian uncle who was a priest and loved spaghetti.

Prey Gogh-- His aunt, the pasta maker

Stop N. Gogh-- the uncle who worked at a convenience store.

Stoppen Gogh-- His traffic officer son

Tan Gogh-- the aunt who loved ballroom dancing.

U Gogh-- The grandfather from Yugoslavia.

Under Gogh-- His surgery prone brother

Verti Gogh-- His dizzy aunt.

Way Too Gogh-- his aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.

Wellsfar Gogh-- The nephew who drove a stage coach.

Wherediddy Gogh-- His magician uncle.

Winnie Bay Gogh-- his niece who's been traveling in a van.

Yard te Gogh-- his great-nephew who was fullback on the Rotterdam Cowboys.

White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified ..she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Biblical Humor

IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE....

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.


Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.


Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)


PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'


KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

How Big Is Wal-Mart

HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approximately 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

13. Let Wal-Mart run government and bail out Wall Street!!!

Check out this short video of talking dogs!

Check out this short video of talking dogs!

http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/RealTalkingDogs.htm

Case of the Missing God

Case of the Missing God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a minister in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the minister. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The minister agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The minister sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the minister repeated the question in a sterner tone. "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the minister raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face. "Where is God?" he asked.

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and anxiously asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!!!"

The Biblical Scholar

The Biblical Scholar

A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."

"And children? How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"

"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Understanding Government

http://www.wimp.com/thegovernment/