Church Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As
it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so
competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the
thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Cell phone vs. Bible
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat
our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!
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Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should
do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
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Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come
next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such
force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
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Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
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A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
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Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
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Hymns for All Professions
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
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An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man
seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do
you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
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Adam Strays
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to
hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
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One Nation, 'Under God.'
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
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Ole & Swen
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday
standing by the road, pounding a sign into the g round, that reads :
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve up ahead we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
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Things I learned living in Oklahoma
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' and "Acrosst" are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma.
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