Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Monday, August 13, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Police Reports
Allegedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!?! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!?! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Monday, July 09, 2007
Forgive Your Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"One hundred and one."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
The End is Near
Two preachers from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now... Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One preacher turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One preacher turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"
Monday, July 02, 2007
Spanking
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Four Golfers
Four old men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
SUPER HERO'S
OTHER CHRISTIAN SUPER HERO'S
We have seen the super hero's in comics and cartoons. There is a new video series out called Bible-Man. What other Christian Super Hero's would we like to see? How about --
7. Doughnut Man - Able to provide doughnuts before Sunday service faster than a speeding bullet.
6. Wonder Man - Disappears on Sunday mornings to the lakes and bayous for fishing. Makes the Pastor "Wonder" where he is.
5. Super Pastor - Able to read the member's minds to know when they are in need of Pastoring. Is able to avoid criticism for not guessing there is a need.
4. Choir Director Man - Able to sing all four-part harmony in any key at the drop of a hat.
3. Super Organist - No matter what key a song is started in, this super hero is right there to pick up on it.
2. Evangelist Man - Able to preach sermons 7 days per week on a $50.00 offering.
1. Sunday School Teacher Avenger - Keeps 30 rowdy 10 year olds under complete control for 1 hour each week without a bit of recognition. Wears a spitball proof garment.
We have seen the super hero's in comics and cartoons. There is a new video series out called Bible-Man. What other Christian Super Hero's would we like to see? How about --
7. Doughnut Man - Able to provide doughnuts before Sunday service faster than a speeding bullet.
6. Wonder Man - Disappears on Sunday mornings to the lakes and bayous for fishing. Makes the Pastor "Wonder" where he is.
5. Super Pastor - Able to read the member's minds to know when they are in need of Pastoring. Is able to avoid criticism for not guessing there is a need.
4. Choir Director Man - Able to sing all four-part harmony in any key at the drop of a hat.
3. Super Organist - No matter what key a song is started in, this super hero is right there to pick up on it.
2. Evangelist Man - Able to preach sermons 7 days per week on a $50.00 offering.
1. Sunday School Teacher Avenger - Keeps 30 rowdy 10 year olds under complete control for 1 hour each week without a bit of recognition. Wears a spitball proof garment.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Harold the Computer Guy
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Injured Employee
Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Shoes in church
Shoes in church
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................"To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet " Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink", as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes...... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................"To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Church Terms
Church Terms That Oughta Be...
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Deck of Cards
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards." The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
Prayer for the Military.
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on.... Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them. Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
Kevin Rayner
Highland Church of Christ
Tecumseh OK
Thursday, January 11, 2007
10 Little Christians
10 Little Christians!!!
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time. one fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late, one overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to heaven, one took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks, One didn't like the singing, then there were six..
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive, one took a vacation, then there were five,
Five Little Christians pulling for heavens shore, one stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee, One got his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do, one couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more, now don't you see, two and two make four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late each brought one, now there were eight
Eight Little Christians if they double as before in just seven Sundays we have one thousand twenty four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew
Author Unknown
Monday, August 14, 2006
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
BIBLE vs. CELL PHONES
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible Like we treat our Cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without It?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
Man Named Jed
A MAN NAMED JED
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
They said, "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... Big amusement park...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "Your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... Unpaid... Mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... Stressed out... No social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... De-briefed... Unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... Ya hear'!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Kids Letters To God
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --Ginny =========
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. --Joyce =========
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. --Janet =========
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton-because I hate her. --Denise =========
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. --Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am) =========
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. --Love, Alison =========
Dear God, How did you know you were God? --Charlene =========
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita =========
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan =========
Dear God, Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla =========
Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. --Glenn =========
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? --Love, Dennis =========
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Nan =========
Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? --Arnold =========
Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? --Jennifer =========
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. --Janet =========
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? --Seymour =========
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. --Peter =========
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry =========
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. --Mark =========
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean =========
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. --Marsha =========
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. --Mickey =========
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? --Donny =========
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? --Jane =========
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. --Sincerely, Donna =========
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. --Charles =========
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. --Jeff =========
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. --Frank =========
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. --Eugene
======= Quote of the day =======
It's funny how when were children, all we want to do is grow up, but when we're older and grown up, we wish the world was as simple and innocent as it were when we were a child.
--Tim Hussar
Kevin Rayner
Tecumseh, OK
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunday School
A father asked his son what he had learned in Sunday School.The boy replied, "We learned about how Moses went behind enemy lines to rescue the Jews from the Egyptians. Moses ordered the engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After the people had crossed, he sent bombers back to blow up the bridges and the Egyptian tanks that were following them. And then..."
"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.
The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"
"Did your teacher really tell it like that?" the father inquired.
The son answered, "No, Dad, but if I told you what he said, you would never believe it!"
Senior Personal Ads
"Senior Personal Ads"
Foxy Lady:
Intriguing, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Long-Term Commitment:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Serenity Now:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
Winning Smile:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
Beatles or Stones?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Memories:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Mint Condition:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Generous Giving
Generous Giving
The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous.
One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."
"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin, and God keeps shoveling back into mine, and God has the bigger shovel."
The Preacher
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
I Don't Want to Go to Church Today
Early one Sunday morning, a wife went in to wake up her husband.
"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to church!"
"I don't want to go," complained the husband.
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, none of the members listen when I talk, and the elders are mean to me! You give me two reasons why I should go to church."
"Well, for one, it is the right thing to do. And for another, you're the PREACHER!"
Friday, July 25, 2003
You Know You Are In Texas
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN. . .
+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .
+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .
+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .
+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .
+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .
+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .
+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .
+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .
+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .
+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .
+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?
+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
+ You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. . .
+ You can say 110 degrees without fainting. . .
+ You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off. . .
+ You can make sun tea instantly. . .
+ You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. . .
+ You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. . .
+ You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. . .
+ Hotter water comes from the cold water tap. . .
+ It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out in the streets. . .
+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door. . .
+ No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?
+ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Commercial Ads for God
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
He works miracles.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
COKE
He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
Call It A Day
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Turbulent Jet Flight
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Preacher, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Preacher, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
Jesus Saves
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They did every known task.
About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They did every known task.
About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Monday, January 15, 2001
Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
...and they are the idols of our children.....
1. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
1. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
10. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
12. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
Sunday, November 19, 2000
Everyday Face
The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell. . . well, then your everyday face will do."
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Keep a good man down.
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
Good Men
A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2, 10)
When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"
Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
Saturday, November 11, 2000
Random Thoughts
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Do unto others, then run...
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at once.
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Do unto others, then run...
Friday, November 10, 2000
Medical Humor
Medical Humor
* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.
* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.
* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.
* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"
* My Doctor finally found out what I had. He nearly took it all, too.
* A good doctor can add years to your life. And that's just in his waiting room.
* A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
* A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.
* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first thing his secretary did was take a medical history. The first question was: "Do you pay your bills on time?"
Thursday, November 09, 2000
Oldest
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest.
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
Saturday, October 28, 2000
Where Do I Come From
The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where do I come from?"
The embarrassed father gulped and proceeded to go into a long-winded explanation of the birds, the bees, the stork and anything else he could think of. Finally, the father turned to his son and asked, "Why do you want to know?"
"Oh," he replied, "there's this new kid in the neighborhood and he's from Nashville, and I just wondered where I came from.
The embarrassed father gulped and proceeded to go into a long-winded explanation of the birds, the bees, the stork and anything else he could think of. Finally, the father turned to his son and asked, "Why do you want to know?"
"Oh," he replied, "there's this new kid in the neighborhood and he's from Nashville, and I just wondered where I came from.
Tuesday, October 24, 2000
How to Annoy Other People
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "terrible service".
3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up".
7. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
10. Honk and wave at strangers.
11. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
12. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
13. type only in lower case.
14. Dont use any punctuation either
15. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
17. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
18. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed up." And repeat.
19. Ask people what gender they are.
20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
22. Sing along at the opera.
23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
24. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles".
25. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
26. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send things like this.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "terrible service".
3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up".
7. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
10. Honk and wave at strangers.
11. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
12. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
13. type only in lower case.
14. Dont use any punctuation either
15. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
17. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
18. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed up." And repeat.
19. Ask people what gender they are.
20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
22. Sing along at the opera.
23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
24. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles".
25. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
26. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send things like this.
Soap Maker
A rabbi and a soap maker went for a walk together. The soap maker said, "what good is religion? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years--thousands of years--of teaching about goodness and truth and peace. Still there, after all the prayers and sermons and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this be?"
The rabbi said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.
Then the rabbi said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"
The soap maker protested. "But, Rabbi, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"
"Exactly!" replied the rabbi.
The rabbi said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.
Then the rabbi said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"
The soap maker protested. "But, Rabbi, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"
"Exactly!" replied the rabbi.
Tuesday, October 17, 2000
Sports Teams You are Disappointed In
The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
Leaf
Momma, look what I found!
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Tuesday, October 03, 2000
Good For A Dime
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
Saturday, September 30, 2000
Tennis
Question: Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: "When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."
Answer: "When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."
Cartwrights
A Sunday school teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
"Hoss," said Willie.
Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Ah, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
"Hoss," said Willie.
Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Ah, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
Friday, September 22, 2000
Church Math
CATHOLIC MATH
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Preacher
A friend tells about back in the 1930's when his father was a preacher in some mountain communities in western N.C., his dad and mother went to visit a family who lived in a cabin on the side of a mountain. As they started up the long steps to the high front porch, the woman of the house came out of the door, walked across the porch, kicked at the hound dog who was lying at the top of the steps, and said, "Git out, Preacher!" The guy's parents hesitated, but deciding that the woman was actually talking to the dog, and not to them, they went on up the steps.
Later, during the visit, they got up enough courage to ask the woman, "Is your dog named "Preacher?" She replied, "Yes, the neighbors named him that because he ate all their chickens."
Later, during the visit, they got up enough courage to ask the woman, "Is your dog named "Preacher?" She replied, "Yes, the neighbors named him that because he ate all their chickens."
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
SEEING EYE DOGS
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Bible by College Students
Top 10 Ways The Bible Would Be Different If It Were Written By College Students
10. Loaves and fishes replaced by pizza and chips.
9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's e-mail to the Romans.
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a freshman.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Saturday, September 09, 2000
Silver
~~~~~
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running!
Friday, August 25, 2000
Why I Am Balding
Top Ten Reasons Why I, As A Preacher, Am Balding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Out of consideration for God! Matthew 10:30 says that God numbers every hair on our heads, so I thought I would make His job easier!
9. The gleam from my forehead makes me look angelic while preaching.
8. The last hairpiece I had flew off while I was making a particularly forceful plea from the pulpit.
7. Youth group, 'nuff said!
6. Three boys and two girls, double 'nuff said!
5. People were always mistaking me for Fabio, so I had my hair surgically removed!
4. Proverbs 16:31 says, "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." So I figured gray AND bald was even better!
3. Hey, when I repent, I REPENT! (Isaiah 22:12)
2. I look at it as a sign that the old is being recreated as a less-hairy-more-Christ-like-new!
1. Paul teaches, "if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him"( 1 Corinthians 11:14). So I figure no hair must really be an honor! "I’m a preacher who is not losing hair, but rather gaining face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Out of consideration for God! Matthew 10:30 says that God numbers every hair on our heads, so I thought I would make His job easier!
9. The gleam from my forehead makes me look angelic while preaching.
8. The last hairpiece I had flew off while I was making a particularly forceful plea from the pulpit.
7. Youth group, 'nuff said!
6. Three boys and two girls, double 'nuff said!
5. People were always mistaking me for Fabio, so I had my hair surgically removed!
4. Proverbs 16:31 says, "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." So I figured gray AND bald was even better!
3. Hey, when I repent, I REPENT! (Isaiah 22:12)
2. I look at it as a sign that the old is being recreated as a less-hairy-more-Christ-like-new!
1. Paul teaches, "if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him"( 1 Corinthians 11:14). So I figure no hair must really be an honor! "I’m a preacher who is not losing hair, but rather gaining face!"
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Kids say the funniest things
Kids say the funniest things!
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Saturday, August 12, 2000
Life As An American
LIFE AS AN AMERICAN
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
Friday, August 11, 2000
More Lost in the Translation
More Lost in the Translation!
Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He regularly crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the Texas Rangers could catch him.
The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally crossed the border into Mexico. Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn't speak any English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to shake with fear. The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen from the Texas banks. "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the money is right now, we're going to shoot him dead on the spot!"
The bartender translated all this for Pepe. Immediately, Pepe explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They could find the money by counting down seventeen stones from the handle, and behind the seventeenth stone was all the loot he had stolen.
The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, "Pepe is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he is not afraid to die!"
Things sometimes get lost in the translation. Much of what we read and hear and watch is secondhand information that may or may not be true. We need to make sure that we are not only getting the truth, but also communicating the truth to others.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He regularly crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the Texas Rangers could catch him.
The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally crossed the border into Mexico. Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn't speak any English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to shake with fear. The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen from the Texas banks. "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the money is right now, we're going to shoot him dead on the spot!"
The bartender translated all this for Pepe. Immediately, Pepe explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They could find the money by counting down seventeen stones from the handle, and behind the seventeenth stone was all the loot he had stolen.
The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, "Pepe is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he is not afraid to die!"
Things sometimes get lost in the translation. Much of what we read and hear and watch is secondhand information that may or may not be true. We need to make sure that we are not only getting the truth, but also communicating the truth to others.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
You "might" be becoming too Fundamentalist
I scanned through these and I think they are PC. Please let me know if I missed anything. --- kr
You "might" be becoming too fundamentalish when...
* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You pray out loud in King James English
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You name your children after the apostles.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You pray out loud in King James English
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You name your children after the apostles.
Monday, July 03, 2000
Dying Husband
Dying Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone in his office.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die," he said.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will completely regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone in his office.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die," he said.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will completely regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Sunday, July 02, 2000
Twinkle In The Eye
How often there was a twinkle in the eye of Jesus!
His humor shines through his words. For instance, Jesus once pictured the religious legalists of his day. He said they were like a man who polished the outside of his drinking cup, but forgot to clean the inside. "You are like a person," said Jesus, "who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel" (Matthew 23:24). Jesus made his point by a humorous exaggeration. He used the same kind of humor when he said, "It is much harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle" (Mark 10:25). There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he talked about the faultfinder: "Why do you notice the little piece of sawdust that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).
The humor of Jesus show us the quickness of his mind and the playfulness of his outlook. Long before Mary Poppins, Jesus knew that a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." How much we need the humor of Jesus today! We get deadly serious about his words and miss the humor in them. Jesus talked about the necessity of communicating his message. He made this point by an absurd picture: "Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed? Don't you put it up on a table or on the mantel?"
(Mark 4:21).
Jesus did not fit the pattern of what people expected a holy man to be like. Luke reported: "By this time a lot of men and women of doubtful reputation were hanging around Jesus, listening intently" (Luke 15:1). The religion scholars were not pleased and growled, "He takes in sinners and eats meals with them, treating them like old friends" (Luke 15:2). Jesus' cousin, John, had followers who fasted all the time. Jesus and his followers had a reputation for eating and drinking. Again, Jesus reached for a humorous image to portray his contemporaries. He said about them: "They're like spoiled children complaining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk but you were always too busy.' John the Baptist came fasting and you called him crazy. The Son of Man (Jesus' favorite term for himself) came feasting and you called him a lush" (Luke 7:31-34, The Message). I believe that Jesus would approve this little prayer:
God, give me sympathy and common sense,
And help me home with courage high.
God, give me calm and confidence
And please -- a twinkle in my eye."
His humor shines through his words. For instance, Jesus once pictured the religious legalists of his day. He said they were like a man who polished the outside of his drinking cup, but forgot to clean the inside. "You are like a person," said Jesus, "who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel" (Matthew 23:24). Jesus made his point by a humorous exaggeration. He used the same kind of humor when he said, "It is much harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle" (Mark 10:25). There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he talked about the faultfinder: "Why do you notice the little piece of sawdust that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).
The humor of Jesus show us the quickness of his mind and the playfulness of his outlook. Long before Mary Poppins, Jesus knew that a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." How much we need the humor of Jesus today! We get deadly serious about his words and miss the humor in them. Jesus talked about the necessity of communicating his message. He made this point by an absurd picture: "Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed? Don't you put it up on a table or on the mantel?"
(Mark 4:21).
Jesus did not fit the pattern of what people expected a holy man to be like. Luke reported: "By this time a lot of men and women of doubtful reputation were hanging around Jesus, listening intently" (Luke 15:1). The religion scholars were not pleased and growled, "He takes in sinners and eats meals with them, treating them like old friends" (Luke 15:2). Jesus' cousin, John, had followers who fasted all the time. Jesus and his followers had a reputation for eating and drinking. Again, Jesus reached for a humorous image to portray his contemporaries. He said about them: "They're like spoiled children complaining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk but you were always too busy.' John the Baptist came fasting and you called him crazy. The Son of Man (Jesus' favorite term for himself) came feasting and you called him a lush" (Luke 7:31-34, The Message). I believe that Jesus would approve this little prayer:
God, give me sympathy and common sense,
And help me home with courage high.
God, give me calm and confidence
And please -- a twinkle in my eye."
Saturday, July 01, 2000
Shot Down
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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